On Saturday I move into my uncle and aunts house. I'm at mymoms right now. Its been okay. NOt terrible but I just cant be here indefinitely. We havent had any horrible fights but she just gets undermy skin sometimes. BUt right now she is being nice. She's making me soup. i dont feel good..

I had a nice Christmas with family. I'm glad I didnt wait longer or try one more time. I mean. It wasnt up to me anyways. He said "Iwould have begged you to stay". Instead of saying goodbye to me in person he decided it was more important to drink. Yeah. So I guess he relapsed like a week after we broke up. Around Dec 7thish. When I had that medical scare and they thought I might have had a stroke or something. Which it turned out to not be a new bleed but a "old bleed" which was explained as "something I've had since birth"... "probably". I love when medical professionals use that word, don't you? Anyways, i told him about it and begged him to call me because I was scared. And he didnt. instead.. he used it as an excuse to relapse. That's all that was. He loves being depressed and having things fall apart and not work out and everything being "too hard" so he can sit around and tell himself "i tried" and "what did they expect". And he was trying for a lot of it.. but when I look back I really wonder if he was actually completely sober the whole time. Now that I'm coming out of the fog it gets harder to beleive he was. But then I feel so cynical and paranoid and harsh and think maybe he was.. its crazymaking.

I would skip this rambling nonsense....

For example... after he got out of treatment.. he got out a day before graduating. long story but he was supposed to pick me up from the airport and he told me the treatment center said it was fine. but really.. im sure he just never asked. Anywyas. So when he did ask they basically said no. And he already told me he would pick me up from the airport and he didnt have a way to contact me to change plans because his phone didnt have service or maybe i had his phone. yeah i think i had it because well thats another long story. It was this huge thing. The entire day was insane. for half the day i thought my car was stolen because i didnt know if he was in treatment or not. but my car wasnt in the lot... oh and also... the day i took him to treatment, we stopped at a gas station. And he tells me to give him $40 of the $100 he just gave me to pay me back and he will go in and pay. he comes out with a beer... I said "um wtf max, you asked me to take you to treatment and youre fucking buying a beer right now??" So i took it away like he was a tiny child and he didnt even fight it.. he was so gone. and idk WHY I didnt just throw it away. i ask myself all the time but i put it in the trunk of my car. Maybe i thought he would be mad at me or something Idk. I cant tell you. it was just a crazy day really. and wwhen things are crazy sometimes i dont make the most sense. He was high on a lot of stuff so he couldnt even get in and out of the car. so i helped him into the car as people watched. it was really embarrassing. And checked his pockets. I found a bag of blue pills. I threw that away immediately. Then i went to fill up. But nothing was happening. I told him it wasnt working... and he starts blaming the cashier for stealing. I said 'no. where is the change?' he said there was no change "she took the $20" I said "no... I gave you $40". So I go inside and he is accusing the lady of stealing. I said sorry for him and i try to figure it out but someone in that fucking station was lying to me and I couldnt prove it was the cashier and I didnt want to argue with max. imean she did seem kinda sketchy but out of the 2 only one has lied to me before so I paid her $20 to fill up. I fill up and we leave. So, that said, when he got out of treatment that day to pick me up he went to the place my car was parked and was going to pick me up the next day. he had a whole day maybe a day and a half after getting out of treatment. When he picked me up there was a bag of trash on the floor. I looked in and there was the smashed beer can. I asked him about it and he said that when he saw it in the ttrunk it ws too tempting and he wanted to drink it so he chucked it on the street instead. i bought it at the time but its complete bullshit. but whatever right.

Another thing though.. after he got out we didnt really have anywhwere to go. so we went up to his family's house in hayward. no one uses it most of the year, its just for like vacationing. so we ended up staying there for about 3 months. well from time to time i would smell weed. and he would smell it too and comment on it. probably before i even did. He would be standing in the kitchen and be like "do you smell that?" yeah.. and he'd say "i wonder if i left weed up here.. i cant find it though"... he'd start standing on chairs and looking in cabinets, etc and say "but if i do I'll let you know. maybe its alicias" his sister. And then one day im cleaning, after he had just cleaned the counter and i just wiped it down one more time and there it is behind the cookie jar in the corner of the counter. And I said.. is this yours? He said no he doesnt put weed in bags like that, "it mustve been alicias". And i said ok but you didnt see it?? Youve cleaned the counter a lot.. he said no he didnt see it. But i dont know. thats the perfect cover. to say he smells it. to be the first one to smell it. and act like he doesnt know where its from. so if i smell it i dont think he knows. and idk. it doesnt matter. Just little things like that.. alll the time.

Its just sad. I just want him to be content. Not have to do what he does. I love him. I wish I could fix him but even from the beginning I always knew that wasnt my place to do that. He has to want to. He has to do the work. And I think soemtimes he was. But not nearly as mcuh as I thoguth he was. He couldnt stop lying. He even lied about smoking cigerettes, right to my face. So why wouldnt he lie about worse. I told him I didnt care if he smoked anymore, as long as he didnt lie about it. Sometimes I think he just likes lying.

I just feel stupid. I have had a broken heart before. And you always get that feeling of "i wish we never met" but i always end up getting over that and being happy for my experiences with that person. Because its usually mutual or i understand or eventually i realized we werent meant to be. But i really do wish we never met. Because I cant shake the feeling that he is the "one". he is mine. Im his. And its hard to have that feeling when I cannot be with an addict. At least i cant be with a liar. I could have handled the relapses. I know that sounds crazy but I knew they would happen at least for the first year and up to 4. I mean I prepared myself mentally for the relapses. Its everything else I didnt preapre for. I wasnt prepared for the lies to continue. He always blamed his lying on the drugs and alcohol. So either he was still doing it all and never stopped thus never being able to stop lying or he lied about lying and was just a lying liar. Either way sucks. if that even made sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I miss him constantly. Even though the end months were horrible. I've never been treated so poorly in my life by anyone and I know I wont be ever again because I cannot imagine someone being that way to anyone. I dont know why he is so convincing when he says he loves me and wants me after all these awful situations.

i feel like an addict.

they say take a girl on an exciting date because then she will associate those exciting feelings with you. They also say that excitement and stress trigger the same feelings. SO being with an addict is stressful... but thats a close feeling to excitement. so then my braind associates being with him as being exciting - good or bad still exciting and i think the body cant tell which is which. maybe. idk really and Im too lazy to go google it for 5 hours right now. becauser thats exactly what i would do. spend 5 hours researching exactly that and it doesnt even really matter.

New Years is coming up.

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so.. happy new year sit diary.

I need to stop starting entries if I cannot commit to finishing them in one go. I started this one on the 28th. Its Jan 1st. And. My new years was uneventful. the last 3 - 4 days I have had an awful cold.

I walked into the kitchen the other day to get the juice my mom got me and i almost fainted again. i grabbed the table for support and she's just sitting there just talking away like she doesnt even see me. And everything is turning gray just loke it did when i fainted at the motel. And it scared me. I was determined not to faint and start shouting at her to stop. stop what idk. Just stop. Talking. moving. whatever she was doing was not ok at the time and making it worse. And i finally am seeing colors again enough to move from the table to start walking back to my room but i make it to the hall and slide down the wall and have a meltdown. And she comes over and tells me she read that she knows that i dont want to be touched but that its what is good for me and is it ok if she hugs me. and the thing about that is.. she is absolutely right. I do not want to be touched. by anyone when that happens. Except max. before it was tim. Idk if its a signifigant other thing or a personality thing. idk. but thats all. and really i wouldnt want tim to even if he wanted to. so really its max. ANd the other thing about hugging.. its just fine. i actually like hugs in the right situation. but there is just something about my mom. and i mean i feel kinda of bad about this, and i dont know why, but hugging her is extremely stressful for me. so i resisted. but she's her. and it was awful as expected. but i was trying. and it eventually ended and her roommate heard and I was embarrassed. I dont like having meltdowns. what autistic person does.. but. I really dont like having them in front of people. Especially when one is my mother. All week I've missed max. I didnt think i could miss him more until then.

We have been talking since New years Eve. We arent together. But. I wish we could be. I cant be with him when he's at scotts. When he says with his mouth that I'm right and he shouldnt be there but he wont go anywhere else. He says its his only option. He relapsed. He could.. and should go back to treatment. I used to say go with family but I really think he needs more inpatient treatment. There's pepole in there for several months when they just do 1 thing. Yeah his drug of choice was meth. but he did pretty much everything apparently. yeah, i didnt know until later. i dont like looking at statistics. i dont like being realistic about what might happen. Because it cant. i know people would think im psychotic for talkign to him after everything. But when I dont its just a count down until I can. Even at my best during those times.. idk I've even been happy. But then we talk and it feels like I had been trying to breathe under a mountain of football players and didnt know it. Idk. something changed. or Maybe when I started going to alanon its not that something changed in him but I could see his intentions more clearly. I hope thats not it. im not sure whats worse though. If he was never that serious about it, that sucks because him saying he hit rovk bottom was just a lie but its hopeful in a way that.. he still has the potential to hit hisrock bottom. Im scared of what that would take for him though. If april wasnt it. On the other hand, if something just changed... i think thats worse. how many rock bottoms does it take? and if you can hit rock bottom and keep going back.. i mean he didnt do meth. his relapse was with weed and alcohol but he agreed that if he stayed there it might happen.

I just dont get how the whole "say no to drugs" talk didn't take for some people. I mean I made fun of it in my head during. But apparently it made a subconcious impact. Although I was never actually offered anything. In fact someone told me they wouldnt give me drugs because they were "afraid what might happen"... people seemed to always assume I was either high or drunk anyways. I snack like I always got the munchies, I'm just a little too clumbsy, random by default, and idk.. I think the last few years that's changed somewhat though.. sometimes I wonder if people think I am an addict/alcoholic by association. Not people at AA. They seem to know the difference. Its not that hard really. But like law enforcement and professionals. the people at the treatment center. idk.

I'm about to contradict myself because i just said I don't get it. but that isnt true. i get it. everyone is an addict. i mean it isnt a complete contradiction because i get addiction but i dont get addiction to drugs. I feel I'm addicted to max. I know I am in love with him. But there's also something else. I have a really addictive personality. Everyone does to an extent. Even if your addiction is laying on your ass doing absolutely nothing.

Doing sitD right in the new year. just like the good ol' days. Rambling incoherent nonsense as far as the eye can seeeee.

Don't worry.. I'm done talking about max for now.

I haven't done pretty much anything since being back. I;ve been sick but so what.

Although yesterday I decided to do some challenges. 100 days of squats, 100 days of push ups, 100 days of learning Nuvole Bianche on guitar, 100 days of using charcol with my toothpaste.

I started the squats and guitar yesterday. I want to squat 100 pounds. which isnt much but i can barely do an air squat. I want a big butt. God didn't give me much to work with but that. Imean I like my hair. But after the last 2 years I'm pretty sure I'll be completely gray this time next year.

I read that squatting can actually make you shorter. Which. Is not ok for a person like me. I'm 5 3/4". So I need to start doing yoga again.

Nuvole Bianche is so beautiful. Sometimes I listen to it on repeat while I study. Speaking of that.. i should register for classes. I failed 2 of 3 last semester. uhg. I got an A in the 3rd one but it was easy.

Oh. Right. I move into my uncle and aunts house today. I'm nervous about it but excitedish. I hope kodi behaves. He's been a nightmare here sometimes. But maybe because of all the change. And I have been sick so I havent been able to do things with him as much. i think their backyard is more grass so he wont do what he does here and just roll in the dirt nonstop. every time i go out there he is literally just rolling around like he knows how white he is and how fun it is to brush him after he does these things.

I have a weird feeling. I can't figure it out. I keep wanting to write about it but it isnt translating into words. Maybe in a few days I'll know what it was about.