ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
So i just got back from the delta. 5 days on a boat in the sacramento delta. i didnt really wanna go... but i did have fun and i think it was good for me to get away.. but gosh.. it made me think. so much. i had a few conversations with some people about things.. like future stuff. and sean.. what else is new? anyways.. i got to talk to pastor marty a little.. bout sean.. and a few other things. and even pj. not about sean tho. but i dunno.. pj just doesnt get me so it was a short lived convo.. he isnt like pdk or pm.. i just click with them. even when they are kicking me in the butt... it doesnt even feel like im being kicked in the butt cuz they love me so much. and i dont have that kinda relationship with pj. i feel like im a little kid whenever i talk to him. like im being talked at instead of talked with. i dunno. but pm had some good things to say.. in our convo and in the group meetings we had each night. i also got to talk to luke a little. and it was really cool... what he said... bout talya and stuff. and i vaguely brought it up with daniel and kristen... i really wanted to talk with dawn but she was always busy talking to someone else. or busy with her kids. bleh. anyways it just brought up some questions in my head and feelings in my heart and i feel so.. far. from where i want to be. from what i want to be. i feel like i am taking baby steps.. here's something pm said.. if i can 'member it...
before our last meeting the boys were on their last run of the day.. wake board run. cory and alex were pretty much the best wake boarders there so they got to go at the same time.. doing all these tricks. everyone always tries to look cool when they pass the house boat so.. they were passing the boat and alex decides to do a rally right there.. this flip in the air thats he's been wanting to do all week.. and he does it SO perfect and lands it and he's got this HUGE smile like "yeah! Im so cool" on his face... and BAM! he turns his head and completely eats it.. he smacks right into a bunch of tullies... tullies are like these huge bushes in the water... pm said that we're like alex. we're doing our thing. a good thing and its the right thing. going a good 30-40 mph.. we're doing what we have to do to accomplish our goal. and we succeed. and then... out of no where.. we bail. and everyone saw it coming but we had no clue and its too late... we're in the tullies. going way to fast to stop. he said.. we're holding on to that rope.. the thing thats going to cause us to fall and all we have to do is.. let go. i dont do the story justice and left alot out but thats the general idea. what if i am feeling like i am doing the right thing.. but i dont see whats ahead of me.. what if i think everything is fine only to find out im gonna eat a bunch of tullies?
that was pretty much the theme of the delta. its kinda funny cuz delta means change. and basically they asked us to take an inventory of our lives so far and figure out what it is we want. and what steps we need to take to accomplish those goals and dreams and wants and needs and blah blah blah.. pm asked where we were a year ago and how far we've come.. well, i was doing pretty bad... I'd say I've come pretty far.. alot of improvements.. but im definately not where i wanna be. theres so much i want and so many areas i need to grow in and its just overwhelming. its ridiculous. im just rambling now..
i guess one question that keeps coming to mind is... am i happy?
i think so.. but i really dont know.
oi. im kinda mad right now tho. grr. i hate myspace. i think im gonna delete my account or something. its so pathetic and a waste of time.... and on top of that, im an idiot and went to biancas myspace. (bianca= seans ex gf)dumb idea that was. i havent taken the time to look at it.. what for? but i was THAt bored. and freaking holy shoes... i dunnoo about in person but she freaking reminds me of myself. its ridiculous. no.. its disgusting really. i feel like i should jam some sort of sharp object into my eyes.. like forks. i want to completely rip out my brain and sell it on ebay.. and build a new one. preferably with no emotions and inability to feel pain of any kind. but thats not why im mad.. well not completely why... BLEH.
huh.. i think i only write in this when im upset in some way.. cuz im starting to see that i always sound so dramatic.. but o well. thats what diaries are for right? to vent.. it helps alot actually.
____________________________________________
later that nite...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i feel dumb.
Read 2 comments