Listening to: sleep mix
Feeling: vain
ive seen better denny days.
after denny's, me and tim had a really good talk tonight. he said something like he thinks its one of our best talks. and i agree. he told me alot and i really do feel like its because he wants to. and not cuz he has to. we kissed and cuddled just like when we first met and thats all we ever wanted to do.
i am starting to feel more comfortable talking to him too. whenever someone asks "how are you" and "whats up" i always think... "do they reeeeeally want an answer?" or were they just trying to polite? so when tim would ask me what im thinking or whats wrong... i'd figure it was just boyfriend talk. just something they spit out for no aparent reason. but those are just stupid girlfriend thoughts i guess. he's my boyfriend. if he didnt care, he wouldnt ask. so im trying to accept that fact that he wants an answer, and give it to him. but sometimes, i just feel like im running my mouth and taking up valuable time that we could be laughing and talking about positive things. i feel like im just bringing him down to my level. and i dont wanna do that. just because i am not doing to great doesnt mean i have to make others feel the same. thats what i have this online diary for. diarys dont really have a say in how annoying my complaints are. I dont think timmy thinks im annoying. i kow he cares about me. i know he wants me to be happy. i think he is confused about why im not. i dont think i could ever really explain why to him without somehow saying the wrong thing. maybe its because we still havent really known each other very long. or something. lately. because of how things have been and how ive felt. because i keep feeling worse and worse. i feeel really ashamed of myself. i feel sorry for tim. that he is with me. this vegetable girl. im so worthless. ive been really irritable with people lately, towards tim alot too. and i think thats why. cuz i know my worth and i think he is so much more than me. in a way, i think i was subconciously aware of that and trying to get that across to him by beign a jerk. maybe not, but either way. im going to try really hard not to be. this overwhelming feeling of worthlessness is clouding my rationale.Im going to schedule an appointment for the counselor tomorrow after work and before school sometime. see how that goes. tim says i think too much. or something like it. i think he's right. and thats great and stuff, but how exactly do you make yourself think less? ive been trying really hard. and ive come to the conclusion that.. im pretty much screwed.
but anyways, it was a nice conversation. i hope we have more.
something on my mind is what i wrote last night aka "stay". i dunno. i dont think its true anymore. but its hard not to think about it sometimes.
when i got home manuel made me a burrito with chicken and egg. and then i saw him put mayo and italian dressing on his. so i did too. and it was good.
i dont have any benydril. hopefully i can fall asleep.
luckily i dont have to work till 10 tomorrow.
mmm. how bout, leave a comment if u love me. usually dont ask but. its been nice in the past.
nite.
yeah im not sick ne more though. much better.