WOW!

Its crazy how even though I don't go to church anymore.. God keeps giving me the answers i need. he doesnt care so much about answering the questions i "want".. grr.. but I take what I can get.

A few months ago I felt so distant. More than ever. My thoughts of God were nonexistent if not negative. And then randomly during that time Timmy brought up how its so crazy how things just fall into place. And how its God answering prayers and being there when we need him most. I wasn't really into it. But then he brought up other times too. And he was right but i was still mad. I think its mostly because of all the crap going on with my mom and brother at that time. But I'm not being stubborn anymore. I see it too. We'll I've seen, but I can acknowledge it and be thankful now.

That asshole at the Irlen Lenses center really got to me. Even tho I defended Dr. Torquato's diagnosis... it did make me question it. What if he was right? What if I didn't have AS? What if I'm just broken. What about my movie? What about all the things I do that are AS related? But then when I stop worrying, thats when the answers I need fall in my lap. I've been given too many answers about my AS to think it is a coincidence. I was reading my book called "Solutions for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome" . I haven't read it in a few days. And every time I do I go.. "that's what I do.." or "That's happened to me". But you forget those times when someone questions something you think is certain. But of course it happened again.

Here are some quotes from the book that all strongly relate to me and are what I've been struggling with through life ( most of them that have been an issue recently which is why its so weird that I read this today):

"And, in fact, many people with AS complain of tiredness and physical ailments such as chronic muscle pain. These symptoms are often associated with stress and may get in the way of individuals with AS doing the things that they want to do because they are always feeling fatigued." page 172

"It's important to tell your partner or companions if you start feeling tired or overwhelmed. Being exhausted greatly increases the chance of miscommunication and misunderstandings, and for someone with AS, there is the risk of an extreme emotional reaction that may include lashing out at others. If both of you understand that coping with AS can be very tiring and that dealing with new situations will probably intensify your anxiety, you and your partner can take into account when making plans." page 173

AS-NT Differences in Recovery from Emotional Outbursts; "...once the outburst has run its course, [he] will have said or done what [he] needed to do to get the issue out of [his] system and will move on and behave as if nothing has happened...... people with AS are usually not aware of the impact of their behavior on others...." page 174

"Its not unusual for an overtired or overstressed person with AS tog et angry and yell and scream over some minor incident" page 176

"Changes in routine and having to spend extended time with others, especially perople they do not know, are often struggles for individuals with AS." page 177

"People with AS often have difficulty recognizing their feelings.; many people with AS also report having trouble telling their feelings apart- not understanding if they are anxious, afraid, or disappointed. They can only tell that the feeling is comfortable or uncomfortable. If the feeling is uncomfortable the person with AS may lash out angrily, often not knowing what is wrong but feeling a lot of discomfort and needing to make those around [him] aware of it. Not only is the lashing out a problem, but not understanding what you are feeling makes it harder to identify what is causing the feeling. Being able to understand what you are feeling is critical to learning how to manage your feelings and gain emotional competence. Because many people with AS are not able to recognise what they are feeling, it is harder for them to learn to manage their emotions. Its encouraging to know that a number of people with AS report that, over the years, they have gotten better at recognizing what they are feeling and why they are feeling it..." page 178

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All these things happen/explain me on a regular if not daily basis. I am always telling Timmy how tired I am. I am always being told I "look" tired even when I'm not. At jobs I've been at a while, its a known fact that I am always tired because co-workers that hear me say "I'm tired" will say "You're always tired". I always have achy muscles. always. And this chronic back pain came literally out of nowhere. I want to say that it was from pulling a back muscle it while lifting something but I lift heavy things a lot without a problem. I think its just the typical AS aching plus the stress of everything I have been dealing with lately and the stresses of whats to come. And mostly not knowing what that is. A huge stress lately has been having a baby. and wanting one but at the same time not knowing if its the right time. And then thinking about actually having a baby is overwhelming enough for anyone. And this job is getting to me. And our finances. And the house is always a mess. And my family. And Panda is so annoying. And Jefri has a bump on his neck and one of his nails just FELL OFF the other day... I dunno what that is about but I wanna take him to a vet like now but.. finances. uhg. And irlen lenses... but finances.

There were also stories of real situations in the book that i could relate to but they would be ridiculous to sit here and type out.

Anyways, its THIS information I should listen to. Books written by professional psychologists that deal specfically with adults that have AS. and the psychologist that did a 3 day thorough analysis to come to her diagnosis. Not some jerk that had only spent 10 minutes with me before making such a stupid statement. People like him.. professionals like him too, get soo stuck on the symptoms of AS as a child. Children grow up. and people with AS aren't retarded.. they learn what works and what doesn't just like NT.. just slower. some slower than others. and i did have AS symptoms as a child... but he didn't even ask me about my childhood before saying I didn't have it. He was a douche.

I wont doubt it again. AS is hard to deal with. But learning about it has brought me so much understanding of myself. And of situations and things I could not explain. Take away AS and all that understanding goes with it. Reading this book and books like it help a lot. To understand why I do things and be aware and try to do them the 'correct' way next time.

On a different note.. although being diagnosed came as somewhat a relief to me.. its had a different sort of "sense of relief" to others. Apparently telling someone you have AS means... to them... that you are just generally wrong about everything. They think back to past situations and just assume every time you insisted you were right or got upset... that you were just being aspergersy. After telling my grandma about it.. she paused a few seconds and was basically like "so is that why you are bad at dealing with things?" well she would be right but thats not how she meant it and maybe I said it wrong but basically... I know to her, me saying I have AS just means that in the fight between me and my mom and brother.. I am wrong and this just proves it. It sucks. because I am not stupid. I can be very articulate on paper. And I can be right in an argument. My reactions and the way I do things are whats usually wrong and even a lot of my reactions with my mom have been intense but i feel they are justified. I think anyone in some of those situations AS or not, would handle it in the same ways i did. For the times I did react wrong, it doesn't make me wrong overall. The reason behind the reaction is still there. but I can't explain this to people in words from my mouth. Its hard knowing who to tell and who to keep in the dark. I told a co-worker at the job i have now.. and he was like "so you ARE retarded". I wanted to tell my boss but now I'm not sure. My boss is psycho. And I am afraid he will blend those 2 reactions together and think I am a retard AND I am and have been wrong about everything. Even tho that couldn't be further from reality. He is a very controlling, unorganized boss who gets on power trips when he is stressed and takes it out on.. *ding ding ding*.. me. Its because I am not assertive. I've been that way for a while because I used to be overly assertive to the point of being tactless and overbearing. I can't find a middle ground. I wish I knew how. I also wish I knew things like "office politics" apparently its important but I have no idea what it means or who to ask to explain. I just know that I've been told "Jeni, you need to learn some office politics" wtf? ok well tell me where to look. the person who told me that was fired a while ago tho. hmm. maybe he isn't someone to listen to. I think I have pretty good work ethics. I will stick to that. ANyways, like i was saying. I don't know if i should tell my boss about AS or not. Part of me thinks it will help him to be more specific and organized in our meetings. And to tell me what he expects instead of expecting me to read his mind.. uhg. He tells me I am too literal. I don't see how... He says to do something and I do it. But he's one of those people who wants you to take a buttload of notes so you dont forget what he says.. but he doesnt take any so he forgets what he says a lot and that leads to him changing his mind or thinking he said he wanted something one wya when he actually said he wanted it a different way and he doesn't GET that these things take time. He thinks I can just make a website in a day. uhg. he stresses me out. He actually hasn't been annoying me this last week and a half. Which is weird. Maybe he's thinking of firing me.

Anyways. just. thoughts on my mind. its about time i gave this thing a meaty entry. When I have urges to write like this there is no stopping me. Even at 3 in the morning. I just got up to go to the bathroom and check my fb real fast. And this is what happened..

I should go back to bed.

PS.

Timmy I love you so much. You are my soul mate. You are always there for me. There is no one who could handle me. There is no one who could love me like you do. I love you because I know you love me and I can see it all the time. You love me even when I annoy or upset you. You support me. and have been there for me while learning about AS. You stand up for me. You say sorry. and accept mine. You don't think I am stupid. you believe in me. You take me seriously when I want to be taken seriously and ignore me when I don't. You give me space when I need it and don't take it personally. You tell me you love me and kiss me on a daily basis so I don't forget. You don't think I am lazy. You know I try my best. You don't think I am weird... well not enough to go away. You don't get mad at me for forgetting things. You put me first.

And so many other things I cant put into words.