So Stupid.

Timmy listened to the whole conversation so I know I'm not crazy.I thought he was being inconsiderate yesterday and then today he is just selfish and rude. putting words in my mouth like i don't know what i said. I have an amazing memory. don't tell me i didn't or did say something when i know exactly what was said. he twisted the whole conversation up. i called and asked if i could come over tomorrow. i SPECIFICALLY said that i wanted to come up with some more ideas for our show. And He asked me "like what" and i started listing the ideas we had already went over before. I started listing a few and i guess he didn't remember.. and i asked him if he still wanted to do the first episode how he wanted before. he had an certain idea about how he wanted to do it and so i wanted to know.. and he said he changed his mind. which is cool with me. and i was like ok well for the 1st episode how bout we just start with one of the ideas on the list... and he asked me to read them again and i did and he asked me about man vs wild and i explained how i thought of it in my head.. and he was all like well meh about it so i was like "or how about this..." and said another one and he was like "you're thinking to big" and stuff and saying that we need more eqipment and blah. and i said i'm not thinking too big.. its only as big as we make it. and he was like "its just a youtube channel" he's been saying that a lot lately but then he goes on about how he wants to get better equipment in order to film... but then he belittles it by saying "its not a big thing" and stuff.. so why do we need big equipment? its the ideas that are going to make the channel. and then he was like saying how he wanted to just walk around and film random stuff... uhm... great. but we've done that before. and nothing happens. we could maybe do that for 1 episode. but an entire channel of just 2 people wlaking around without a plan... gay. my ideas were good enough 3 months ago when we were talking about it. and he was telling me his whole idea for the first episode and yeah it did sound big and elaborate but i was supportive because I'm a good friend dammit. and if that's what he wanted... we'd find a way to make it work. it might not have been how i would necessarily do it but my diagnosis has helped me to try and compromise and since i came up with the name of the channel i thought he should be the one to come up with the first episode. and when we were talking about it.. i was coming up with all sorts of funny ideas for episodes and he was loving every one. He said we would have 2 lists and one would be boring and one would be funny (mine) and the guy wouldn't like the boring one so we would read the 2nd and thats why we got the show and then our show would be based on those things and things like it.. random and funny and off the wall things.. and no all of a sudden.. they are too this and too that. the SAME EXACT ideas he liked before are too "BIG" and too unrealistic. and he's completely changing how we BOTH first envisioned the show. almost like he only agreed with my ideas so i would go along only so he could change it later. or he seriously has a memory problem. idk what it is. but its inferiorating. But that's not even the issue. he started saying that i wanted to come over becuase i wanted to do all that tomorrow. i never said that. i know for a fact i didn't say i wanted to go anywhere and film stuff because i don't. same reason i didn't go to the expo. i'm on my period. and if there is anything i hate more its being in public on my period. i am crampy and my head and stomach hurt and i want to just sleep but i thought he would want me to come over. i felt bad for not going to the expo today. i wanted to make up for it and come over to his place since i am always driving down and picking him up to hang out over here. but he was all negative about everything i said and then when he started putting words in my mouth i didn't want to hear it. So i hung up. I understand he doesn't like being hung up but he doesn't understand that i don't like people putting words in my mouth. so if he doesn't care about what i don't like why should i care about what he doesn't like. and He's ALWAY trying to prove me wrong and then when i say something about wrongness/rightness he goes on about "its not about being right or wrong.. why is it always right or wrong with u.. blah blah blah" when HE is the one that made it that way. he is so passive aggressive. i don't know how i get into these relationships. he is selfish and i didn't even realize it completely until yesterday. I was texting him and i was shopping with monica and she asked who it was and i told her and i guess i looked upset and she asked what was going on so i told her and let her read the texts. and she said i should feel bad.. he should be thankful that i would even consider driving down there so much and that he is being inconsiderate. and then when we found out bella was going.. we both flipped out. she thought it was outrageous and then when we were done shopping we were hanging out at her and chase's place and she told chase and he was so angry for me. he saw me texting and he was like "who are you texting" and i was like "i was just telling casey i am still here if he still wants me to pick him up"... and chase was like "OMG jeni no!.. you are too nice!" and when i was leaving he told me i better not pick him up. he was like mad. and it clicked. he's right. and i feel weird saying that but its true. i let people take advantage of me. a lot. it starts out small and grows until i don't even realize they're doing it and they just get used to it i guess. but from an outsider who is completely unbiased.. its not cool. i've always had a hard time saying no. i say it now sometimes but its like torture, but i need to stick up for myself. And before this and yesterday it was him flaking on the teaser. i didn't care that it wasn't done yet. he could have left the time frame open and not done it for months and i would be cool. but he kept saying "it'll be done by tonight" several times. and then he wouldn't do it. or couldn't and he wouldn't even text me a quick "hey actually didn't have time, i'll get to it when i can" nver. always "it will be done by..." and then it wasn't. and when i got upset about it, i was wrong. i was overreacting. i was unreasonable. I can't always be made out to be the bad guy in this friendship. i am such a good friend to him. i was there for him when he needed me. i try to help as much as i can. i gave him money twice when he couldn't afford his rent. he didin't have a tv so i gave him mine. it wasn't a good one but better than nothing. i had his back when people talked crap about him. i encouraged him about his relationship with katie. i spend my time, and energy to go pick him up an hour away and bring him back to my place just to hang out with him and don't even ask for gas money. I know he wants to get into the entertainment business so i asked him to co direct my film.. i don't need a co director... i was doing it for him. he said he was honored but he couldn't even be bothered to read a few pages of notes. so i just stopped sending them... i stopped calling to talk about it. he didn't know it but i removed him from the process because of his lack of motivation and general interest in it.

and no matter what... he always has to turn the finger back at me. he kept saying the same thing... but he wasn't telling the truth. so i was telling him to stop. and he flipped out and screamed at me to listen even tho i heard it.. he can find a new best friend and i told him that. i have put way too much into this relationship and have barely gotten anything back to be disrespected like this.

and ps. you're only as big as your dreams. and big dreams start with big ideas. you're never going to go anywhere if you're willing to settle for less or sit on your ass... procrastination is a dream killer. and so is negativity and practicality. i would rather be considered to have my head in the clouds... other wise you get stuck at a job sticking your head up someone elses ass.

and everyone has to start somewhere. i'm done surrounding myself with dream crushers and nay sayers. always making excuses. telling me its too big to do my ideas. and then saying "its just a youtube channel"... if its just a silly youtube channel then why do you need nicer / expensive equipment? if its just a silly channel.. just work with what we have.... HE even wrote himself in the freaking description part of our channel and i quote "we're two people who enjoy making ourselves laugh. Yea... we don't do this for you guys. We do this for US! If you happen to get enjoyment along the way... then sure, why not. Just kidding.. for real though, we do it for us". No one told him to say that. I certainly did not. I actually wanted to do it for people as well... like with people in mind.. to make people laugh. so it just doesn't make sense for him to say "we need better equipement and a better camera.. no one will be able to hear what we're doing" and stuff.. like where is he thinking we would have been filming? a noisy restaurant? uhm. no. and he's the one who built it up so much saying "we could like be one of those channels people like so mcuh we get paid by youtube" and blah blah... i just wanted to put up funny videos people thought were funny.. now he's saying I'm thinking too big. I think HE is thinking too big thinking we'd be one of those channels to get paid. especially if every time i want to even just BRAINSTORM... he is too busy or tired or unmotivated. he was literally doing nothing tomorrow. no plans with his mom for mothers day she is far. and he wouldn't have to drive, i was willing to drive to him.. all he had to do was bounce ideas.. and he turned it into something it wasn't and when i tried to tell him he got it wrong... he just wouldn't let it go.he;s just so passive aggressive. and the thing about passive aggressive people is.. they NEVER think they are. So you can't like tell them. but you can't just let them treat you like they do cuz that's not fair either. I've felt stuck between a rock in a hard place so many times. a friendship shouldn't feel like this. at least not the majority of the time.