theres been some craazy things going on.
Ive been so emotionally and physically stressed out lately its reeDONKulous.
From classes and a new apartment with my fiance to bed bugs and stupid renters. from finances to my mother and taxes and insurance. from sleeping on an airmattress for the last month to being a virgin and thinking im pregnant to being sick for 2 weeks. jefrie's eye. and tim stuff and me stuff and all sors of other stuff.. everything seemed to be happening at once.
this last week has been especially overwhleming. ive been feeling so anxious about things. at the edge. and on the verge of tears msot days.. I havent had my period in 2 months. so either Im over a month late or I skipped one and now im late for the next. either way, its weird. and its been driving me crazy. i know its ccrazy to even consider the possibility of pregnancy, but it is possible considering how close we've been. But highlyy highly unlikely. well thats what Ive been hoping to believe. and thats what i have been believing.. until things.. like nausea sickness. morning sickness? like loss of appetite and cravings... for bananas.. I hate bananas! like gaining weight and swollen breasts. and it seemedlike thats all it could be.. so i had to test the theory. 2 pregnancy tests.. both negative. so now im thinking ok. not pregnant what the heck is wrng with me?
and i pretty much come to the conclusion that im not pregnant.. i'm just dying.
i called my mom and told her all my symptoms minus the no period for 2 months part and she said i had the stomach flu. so i figured she was right.
a few weeks ago. i had a dream. that i had a baby with timmy and we named him Ezekiel.
today, I went to see my mom. we spent the day together. it was actually kind of nice. we talked alot. and she told me about how a couple weeks ago when we werent speaking still and we were planning on meeting to deal with car stuff... she said she told her growth group she was scared to meet with me because she felt like when she saw me i would be pregnant. she said she felt like she "knew". not an accusation. more of just a fear. that whole week before she saw me she was freaking out. then the day of... right before i came to her office, she got the same strange feeling and called her friend christi.. who pretty much told her she was crazy. she said, "but when u got there, you obviously werent pregnant." obviously?
when i got home today tim said "i had a weird dreaM". and the weird weird part is.. tim doesnt dream. well he does. but he can never remember them, sometimes. but its very rare. and they have nothing to do with anything. anyways.... well. this one was definately different from the others. he said he had a dream that we had a baby girl. I kinda thought "oh crap.. now he's going to be parinoid and hate the idea of ever having a baby". but it was actually quite the opposite. he said she was really cute. he said that the dream made him feel good. since ive known timmy he never really thinks to the future without someone else bringing it up first. and he said this dream made him think of that stuff, having a baby. with me. and i dont know.. he made me melt. cuz i always thought those thoughts would scare him. but he was sincerely excited. i actually started crying. not a lot. it just felt so amazing to know how he felt.
i needed something amazing to happen. this last week. Ive been distancing myself from him in a way. getting really angry at him for stupid things and then feeling horrible and apologizing later.. and just feeling alone. because i guess somewhere in the back of my head (as crazy as it is)i considered the possibility of being pregnant and it really scared me. not because i wouldnt want one, not even because it isnt the right time(which is really really isnt).. and not even because if i wasnt, i would be the first woman in my family to get married before having a baby (which is actually a really cool thing that i hopei can accomplish) but because of Tim. and his reaction. sometimes the feeling makes me terrified.. thinking.. if i did have a baby.. would he feel obligated to marry me? would he be scared and somehow resent me for it in the long run? and all sorts of other things. stupid things like.. "i bet he always saw himself having amandas babies" amd "i bet he would leave me" and "how sucky would that be to have a baby and be a technical virgin?" that last one didnt really have anything to do with tims reaction but.. it would be weird. Ive heard its happened. where people are naked but not having sex, but close enough to yeah. and it just happens. sucks.
but anyways. i felt weird. but i realized that i dont have to be afraid. beccuase i know he's going to support me no matter what. we have gone thru so much.. why would i worry over something so stupid to the point where its ruining our relationship? not that it is. and he probably doesnt even think anything is or was wrong with it.
I thought maybe he wont love me enough. but he has been so amazing. in every area of my life. i would be such a fool to throw that away over fear. I love him so much. before i could paint a picture of our lives in my head and hope it all turns out the way i wanted.. but now, i am conent not being able to see the big picture. not being able to know ever detail of it. because today i saw part of the picture. and thats perfectly fine with me becuase it was a great part. and i cant wait till we get to a place in our lives when we can handle a baby and love a baby together. because now i know he'll be just as excited as me. and its an amazing feeling :)
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