I do not like my family. Do I love them? Its hard to say and I am being extremely serious. How could anyone agree.. choose.. like.. love... this sort of treatment. I don't agree, like choose or love any of it. And I don't accept it. Do I like or love them just as people? I don't know what that means. Like not as my family but jsut as people? This makes no sense. I hear people say that a lot. "I love my family but as people they are terrible." UH. My family is my family and yes they are people and how I feel about them IS how I feel about them as people. people and family alike. I always try to ignore it but no... they are truly and unimaginably terrible people. just terrible. And I mean that from the bottom of my massacred heart. Shredded arteries and clots of blood dwell in the creases of their unforgiving claws and fangs. Just when I think they redeem themselves they surprise me with new depths of disappointment. At this point in the past I would cry out for justice. In any situation like this... same reaction. And that is my instinct. Except now. Now I am indifferent. I am just there. I am there but not present in interactions. i dont look at them. not just not in the eyes... which i made efforts to do before.. now I make efforts to look straight ahead. and its easy of course. i say nothing if i can. i say one word answers if i must. i even tried this morning but i am so over it. mostly with my mother. i am so over my "mother".

Double standards. Denial. Whatever you want to call it. Someone who believes anything a person says when they give them every reason to doubt them and doubts everything another person does when they do nothing but try to do everything the right way.. the way THEY wanted... sucks. they suck. the end.

Throughout the enitre relationship we did not have sex... yet my mother did not, would NOT believe it. Yet when manuel found an OPEN BOX OF CONDOMS in Jasons room while dating Cambria she beliebes his sorry story about it being from his medical pack from the army. really? What a ridiculous story. When I dated that one guy my mom wouldnt let us watch a movie in my room... right across the hall from her room with my door shut. Tim once tickled the back of my leg.. UNDER the knee even... and she freaked OUT! We wonce were sitting on the couch with our LEGS under a blanket and sharing headphones listening to my iphone. Sitting up straight in the living room. and she comes out and says "Jeni can you come to my room.. we need to talk" and during said talk... she tells me I am being inappropriate! And FREAKS OUT AGAIN! AND COUNTLESS.. COUNTLESS OTHER EXAMPLES! I was 22 and ENGAGED! She's seen Jason do 100 times worse right in front of her and not batted an eye! Its sick. AND I AM THE CRAZY ONE IN THIS FAMILY? their relationship is gross. Even Tim thinks it is gross. grosser than I do.. I'm used to it. He brings it up a lot since living here.. saying its like she treats him like a husband. he has no idea.It started at an early disgusting age. She would deny it. And so would any other mother and son in the same mother son relationship.

The most annoying part is that 3 times she has crapped information all over me about my brothers new "friend". Once because I mentioned that they had been there or something or just left idk i said something like "he just left with his girlfriend" or something and she scoffs and says "Not girlfriend.. they're not going out... they're taking it slow... he's doing it right this time..." and bull shit like that. I didnt even fucking ask.I just stood as she spewed nonsense at me... THAT SHE ACTUALLY BELIEVED. Then we go to this scrapbooking thing she invited me to uhg it was the worst.. and all i asked was how old she was and she goes on and on about the same crap about how she was engaged and wants to take it slow and shes sooooo proud of them and this and that... and I think... ok she must know more than I do.. I just got here. BUT history shows... he has sex with ALL.. not some, not a long time ago.. new old recent ALL his ex gfs. He is shallow and lives with his mother. of course he has this need to "prove he's a man" and has control. So he sleeps with his girlfriends out of marriage. I don't care what they do... he's 30.. do what you want. But dont fucking walk around all high and mighty and tell people bullshit like you're "doing it right this time"... its bullshit. ESPECIALLY when your sister and her husband are living in the same house and you KNOW she is right down the fucking stairs.. you probably shouldn't be having sex at 4 in the morning with your girlfriend with the door open. I'm 99% sure they had sex.. unless he was watching really loud porn. gross. Even if they were not having sex.. that was the 2nd of 3 times now that she stayed over . tim saw her car in the drive way when he left for work. Going slow my ass. this doesnt even make sense because i am typing so fast because i am so mad. DOUBLE FUCKING STANDARDS.

We had a family talk a while ago in my moms room... it was going fine and then my mom starts going on about how Jason waited to date till he was 18 and she was SO proud of that decision... i said i waited till 17 and she goes "because I wouldnt let you". There is so much wrong with that sentence. First she had nothing to do with it. and second why not just say and I am proud of you too? Instead of praising and kissing the ass of someone who had sex with all his girlfriends and his current one WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING IN THE OTHER ROOM! Don't praise the one who waited to have sex with her husband. The one you shamed all over the family telling grandma and everyone else I was having sex even when I told you i wasnt. Oh sorry "implying"... or not standing up for me when they would. Same thing. not saying something tells people you fucking agree. idiot. I dont get it.

But I'm the crazy one. I'm teh irrational one. He got drunk all the time but no no he wasn't possibly an alcoholic.. he got in fights.. he had sex.. did drugs.. said the f word so much it was like a catcfh phrase... i could care less about any of that... but everypne puts the guy on a fucking pedastool. fuck them.this is just the tip of the iceberg and its a pretty huge freaking tip.

No matter what it is.. with everyone else she is quick to believe or defenend but with me she is quick to judge or find fault. EVERY TIME. Even with Corina. Even with Manuel and Alisha. She wonders why I hate her. I HATE HER. SHE MADE IT THIS WAY.

Today at 12:17 am on thanksgiving... I am thankful for finally getting the hell over them.. for the motivation to get thru this last day of peace and the courage to unleash when its all over and tell them all how I really feel and not care what the reaction is because when its over we are leaving and I am never letting them get under my skin again. I dont want anything to do with them.