i should be sleeping. i was in bed but i can't. we woke up really late today. i told him i wanted a baby. or a new pet. i was kinda kidding about the baby... but I'm just so lonely.. so we're gonna really try to buy a pet soon. we carved pumpkins together. it was really messy. Timmy made an alien. i made a kitty. i didn't finish cuz the knife is too big. My spoon is TOOO big. and such. we watched tv and i fell asleep on the chaise at 11:30ish. and Timmy played games till 1:45. i like when he comes to carry me to bed. but i didn't let him this time cuz i hadn't brushed my teeth. i asked him if he's happy. he said yes. he said he's happy with our relationship. he likes working at it. he likes putting effort into it, he said. and he does. so much. more effort than any person I've ever known puts effort into anything. he says i do so much. he says i am wonderful. i wish that were true. i wish i was what he wanted.. but i don't know what it is. i wish i knew what a perfect wife looks like in his eyes. he's the worlds greatest listener. he hears me. he tries to understand my feelings. last night i was really upset and it was really really late and i didn't mean to wake him up but i did. but he stayed up and listened to me and held me and rubbed my back and made everything ok again. every time that happens i think of that song and its true as corny as i will be upon writing it.. he's my gravity. he keeps my feet on the ground. he keeps me going. i just wish he was physically there 24/7... i hate to admit it but as of sort of really recently and sporadically over the last month or so.. i really am needy. i don't enjoy it but i can't change it right now. i try to mask it but i suck. he is a great listener like i already mentioned... but i get sad sometimes because i don't feel like we talk. well we talk all the time but i mean like when we first got married and we'd be in bed for hours and laugh and play and talk until we fell asleep and felt closer than we ever had. i miss it. and i feel like we lived together without... being intimate for so long.. that now.. its not something that we think about.. its feels like it did months ago when we weren't married. not that i don't like to cuddle. and its mostly my fault why thats all we do... i went to the doctor and she made some suggestions.. but i feel awkward. its a little bit discouraging.. a lot a bit. i feel defeated. not just in that area. in any area imaginable. i never thought I'd be in this state for such a long time. Timmy said we'd look at finding a psychologist or counselor or something this weekend. but. we didn't. i didn't know the difference between any of them.. counselors, social workers, psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist... and after figuring out what each is... it didn't help me figure out which one i need. now I'm more confused than i was yesterday. i know i need to go just for my own sanity.. i need someone to talk to.. someone objective who knows what they are talking about.. but i haven't exactly had the best experience when it comes to counselors or therapy. all my counseling has been a meeting here or there with a church pastor.. and it scared that experience for life. they are all real people outside of the "counseling" role.. but once they put on that hat... everything changes. everything is my fault.. no matter what and they never ever blame the mother. they back her up on everything even if it is the most insane load of garbage possible. you go there for help on how to change a bad situation and they completely ignore the problem. and these are people i trusted. so going to a complete stranger sort of freaks me out.