[672] Blame It On Bad Luck

by ilickdoorknobs on May 3rd 2006, 12:00AM

Listening to: Bayside

Feeling: wanted

Pretty much read the lyrics of this song and realized how much i relate to it. not word for word but if you replace some words. its me. Pound my knuckles hard against the floor. My head against the wall. But I did this to myself. Assume it's just not worth getting back up so I'll blame it on bad luck. I'll shake responsibility and...... I spent some time in a bad place at 18, wishing I could see something through clear eyes. Do you ever wake up to realize your life is meaningless? Does it give you strength or lead you to your grave at a young age? Pound my knuckles hard against the floor. My head against the wall. But I did this to myself. Assume it's just not worth getting back up so I'll blame it on bad luck. I'll shake responsibility and...... It seems that when I ran away from my past all my dignity, my faith, my pride got left back. And now I think it's time that I realize self pity's meaningless. Though I'm 10 feet deep, I'll claw my way back out from in my grave. Pound my knuckles hard against the floor. My head against the wall. But I did this to myself. Assume it's just not worth getting back up so I'll blame it on bad luck. I'll shake responsibility and say a hard life did this to me But now I realize I'd give anything I have to walk a day in my old shoes. Wondering what my first smoke would be like, my first fuck, my next fuck up. Or the next band that would change my life and it changed my life. Pound my knuckles hard against the floor. My head against the wall. But I did this to myself. Assume it's just not worth getting back up so I'll blame it on bad luck. I'll shake responsibility and say a hard life did this to me __________________________________________ So I left my house again. not my house. my moms. it was never mine. not even a little bit. Its harder this time because I know its for good. I am never going back to that life. And its not impossible to bear it. Im sure a stronger person could. I just choose not to. Is that wrong? To not want to live like that. like where youre never good enough no matter what you do? I just dont want it. I cant stand it. So Im back here. At tim's. I would love to have my own place. and i know i "shouldnt be living with my boyfriend" but i cant afford anything else right now. and if people have a problem with it.. then give me another option. cuz im open to suggestions. otherwise. people can just keep their negative opinions to themselves. Im so weak and I feel like giving up on everything sometimes. But Tim's been so encouraging. he's so supportive and i need that right now. I love him so much. Im so afraid to lose him. I went to the health office a couple days ago. I talked to the nurse proctitioner and she basically just asked questions to see how i was respnding to the prozac pills. and everything seemed fine. so she wants to increase the medication. double it. cuz what im taking right now is very small. so i agreed. we'll see what happens. its hard to know what to do tho. i mean. having a crazy mother who demands that you tell her before you take any sort of medication.. its weird making these decisions alone. what if i make the wrong ones? what if i really screw myself up? i talked to timmy a little about it but. i dunno. bleh. but yeah, since i only had 6 more pills she told me to take 2 a day and come back to fill my perscription on thursday. I got a stomach ache yesterday but she said that will go away after a couple days. i feel fine right now but it'll probably hit me later in the evening. thats what happened when i first started taking this stuff. im hungry. yesterday i thought i saw my dad in the parking lot. and i realized how much i wish i could see him. even tho im so mad at him. it just drives me crazy that i dont even know where he is. jerk. uhg. and then for the past couple nights.. dreams. about jay again. i can barely remember them but its just weird. why do i still dream about him? i see a pattern tho. whenever someone mentions him or something related. i have dreams abouot him for the next couple nights. when i left home on friday or whenever it was..me and my mom were arguing and i was telling her about how she freaked out over me and tim sitting on the couch and i had a blanket over my legs cuz it was cold. and she went on about how she doesnt want me to sit under blankets with or near boys because of "what happened". because thats how things happened with jay. but i was 11... im 19 now. and im over it. she needs to get over it too.

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