Listening to: Secondhand Seranade- Half ALive
I feel half alive. and thats not a bad feeling when you know what I mean by it. Because its not like I feel half alive and half dead. I feel half alive and half more than that. Like sooo alive its double.
Secondhand Seranade- Half Alive
It's 4 AM,
I'm waking up to your perfume
Don't get up,
I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I lost the way into your room
I'm spiraling into my doom
I'm feeling half alive
ut I know one day
You and I will be free,
To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.
I'm almost alive,
and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight,
tonight.
Well excuse me while I get killed softly,
Heart slows down
and I can hardly
tell you I'm okay
At least 'til yesterday,
You know you got me off my highest guard,
Believe me when I say it's hard.
We'll get through this tonight
And I know one day you and I will be free
To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.
I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
And you touch my hand ever so slightly
[Girl we're not ready for this yet]
And the deadly look she cast upon me
I won't regret, I won't regret
I won't regret. I won't regret...
And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now.
I'm almost alive
And I need you to try and save me.
It's okay that we're dying
But I need to survive tonight, tonight
Tonight...
I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
I need to survive tonight, tonight
this song could be interpretted in a lot of differnt ways.. to me its about me. cuz i said so. hhaa. for me its about a couple that just broke up, but are back together because they couldnt stand being apart. and altho they know they had issues in the past andit might be a struggle to get thru all the history, they know they are meant to be together and they need to try.
after church and such, timmy helped my mom and manuel put up the christmas tree [its fake] but it broke lol. o well. it had a good run. after that we did laundry lol and watched a movie at tim's. and for those like alisha, we spooned! lol.. the movie was okay/good. not sure yet. i need an ending and it didnt really have one. but it had some good parts. it was that paris je taime movie. timmy picked it out but he fell asleep. cuz timmy's are tireds.
amanda texted him and it was awkward but.. i dont care. she's harmless. and tolerable at a distance i suppose.. but harmless.
i love how timmy is with my cousin amelia. He said he likes amelia a lot but also that when he has kids he wouldnt want them to be soo crazy. he said thats only cuz she gets treated kinda weird.. like when manuel calls her ugly all the time. but tim is so sweet to her, and calls her beautiful girl. i think he could be a really awesome dad one day. haha that part from bridget jones diary just popped in my head. "i think he would make a really great father... father to my children of course.. not me.. that'd be weird" lol. what its a funny part..
jason sent me a message.. uhg. its just really upsetting. like.. really. he said "after everything you put me thru" what the heck is he talking about? I didnt put him thru anything... if anyone did, its me who was put thru crap with him. and i just dont get it. its not like what we went thru was even bad... we enjoyed each other, i believe we were both on the verge of falling really hard, but things happen. i cant be sorry for my feelings. and i cant be sorry for being honest about them. "put him thru soo much" i dont know what he is talking about.. sorry i wanted to define us? sorry i wanted an actual relationship and not just sex? sorry i think some things are sacred and sorry i felt the need to talk about it like what? 2 times?? all month... and thats too much? you know whats too freaking much? him. he is too much. he really is something. he can go on and on about how he likes that im a christian and love God and blah blah blah.. and go to church with a straight face.. and then take away the only thing that i felt really set me apart from most of this ugly world. the one thing i wanted to give my husband. i never said yes. i said i dont know. put him thru what? no.. i didnt put him thru shit.. he put me thru hell... and did i even bring it up? no i didnt. was i even going to say a think about it? no i wasnt..
i mean. i am soo happy. i feel like I can finally accept acceptedness with God, and I love what is happening with tim and me and us and things are goiing.. wonderfully. but in the midst of this amazing feeling of joy, Im dying. and grieving and hating myself for what ive done.. I just want it to pass. I want to go back and be smart and walk away. Who cares what he would think or say or do.. who cares how i felt about him. i would have that part of me and thats all i really care about. its not like it was a one time thing for him. it wasnt "in the heat of the moment" like he'd probably like to excuse it as. i do admit that was the reason for the first time. but he wanted it to continue. i thought it was a passionate stupid thing that just happened and wouldnt happen again. in the beginning, he said he wanted to wait until marriage.. what? for as long as his gf can hold out? or was it ever a reeeeal choice? i dont believe it was. at all. at alllll. and i dont think it will be in the future for him either. he never said to me anything like "i know we screwed up, but i want to wait" or something. infact he said the exact opposite. because it wasnt an issue. because it wasnt even a thought. and he has the nerve to say he was just a rebound for me? he can eat shit and die for all i care. i was falling for him. OBVIOUSLY! or I wouldnt have given him the most important part about me. and i thought he was falling for me.. leaning in and telling me "im faling in love with you" funny how those words only came right before a potential.. session of souping. because he;s smart. i knew he was smart. words are a girls weakness. especially mine.
i want to kill the part of me that thinks about this constantly.. i dont think it will ever go away. right now, i know its not true, but i feel like i will hate myself for it forever. everyday until i die and after. I feel like I am just a little wrthless as well.
he says he hates liars? ef him. He "almost cheated on his gf?" no.. he ACTUALLY cheated on her 2 times and DID NOT tell her about either time. god. i seriously dont know what is wrong with me. that should have been an obvious reason to get out.
I am really.. really dissappointed with myself..
But God Loves Me. And he gave me a boy who loves me lots, too. ANd I love him. ANd I am thankful for him every second.
he's been so understanding. I'm thankful for that too.
I love him.
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