Welll... I finally decided on something. I want brett to come out and see me for my birthday. But the thing is, he said he cant do that and pay for the phone bill. So I was thinking and thinking. then my head hurt. that kinda happens alot. so im fiddling with things on my desk and i came across a wrapped gift and a card, both for vannessa. Theyve been sitting on my desk since her birthday around mid-july, collecting dust. I dont know why I waited so long, I should have returned the gift a long time ago but I guess I couldnt bring myself to actually do it. I had thought about putting on her door step but like I said, its been almost 3 months and no word from vannessa. She said it wasnt permanent, but I guess she changed her mind. and thats fine. I hope she is doing good.... it was a home made card and a promise ring with her birthstone. I was really excited about giving my best friend such a special gift, or at least i thought so. I have a promise ring and its incredibly special to me. I know her mother wouldnt think of getting a promise ring for her, and being 18 and never having sex is a big deal and i thought she should be praised for it. I felt so bad for missing her birthday and I wanted to make up for it. she thought i didnt get her a birthday present but it was in my head for a long time before her birthday. I just had to convince my mother to help me buy it cuz at the time I wasnt working. i guess she'll always think of me that way, that I forgot all about her birthday. we were best friends and I'd like to think shed know me better than that. Id like to think shed know i thought about those kind of things. I mean it was her 18th birthday, thats big. for her and me. I realized a while ago when I sent her an email askng a favor, and she well... turned it down, that she moved on, and didnt think of me as a friend anymore. yeah... well anyways, enough of that rambling... coinidently the promise ring costs the same as this online discount for a plane ticket from chico. I have to accept the fact that this is not a temporary thing and get over it. This will be the first step. I'm gonna take it back after work. I havent given brett a birthday present yet because the one I planned out is still in the works, or unworks because it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong or delay it, is and its a butt, but its on its way. In the mean time, a plane ticket may hopefully make up for the wait. because i would rather invest in someone who cares so much about me than someone who wants nothing to do with me. i know he will appreciate it more than anyone else could.