Listening to: frou frou- hear me out
FROU FROU
I join the queue on your answerphone
And all i am - is holding breath
Just pick up i know you're there
Can't you hear - i'm not myself
Oh go ahead and lie to me
You could say anything
Small talk will be - just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you
So listen up - this sun hasn't set
I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling
Just hear me out - i'm not over you yet
It's love on the line can you handle it
So how do i do normal
The smile i fake - the permanent wave of
Cue cards and fix it kits
Can't you tell - i'm not myself
I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings - and fingerprints
I don't - wanna feel - anything
But i do
And it all comes back to you
So listen up - this sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out - i'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line can you handle it?)
So listen up
Look at me straight
Just hear me out
Don't make me wait
I'm not myself
I can't take this
Love's on the line
Is that your final answer
I join the queue on your answerphone
And all i am - is holding breath
Just pick up i know you're there......
So listen up - this sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out - i'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line can you handle it?)
-------------------------------------
today was weird.
i woke up at tims. he wasnt there. he was in laughlin. so i just went and slept in the bed knowing that. i needed normal again. i need it sometimes. no one understands how hard it is.. october 6th.. that wasnt very long ago. and i was still there. in that bed. and everything was fine. i dont know what is wrong with me. i felt like it was the right decision.. to have a break. but i dont know anymore. i miss him more than anything. i love him. i dont feel it going away or fading. it scares me. did i make a mistake? i feel so rushed. i just want to tell everyone to shut up and stop and just rewind a little and take things slower. and wait it out a little. and work it out. and figure things out first. i just got so caught up in my thoughts.. i was scared of them. but if i just would have waited.. idk.
and right when i finally feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.. things get worse. and better. at the same tiem. and its confusing. i love timmy. and then theres jason and he is great.. he's a christian. its what i wanted.. he is everything i've bee n looking for and he treats me good.. but i cant help but think.. i wish it were timmy.. pursuing me like that. i dont want to start over. but its not only that. i just dont want anyone else. i want timmy. and he doesnt want me. we were great together. we have wonderful memories. he jusst wants to focus on the bad stuff. i know there was so much stress. i know it was my idea to take a break.. i just thought.. i thought he would realize how much he missed me and get me back. things went too fast tho. i miss him and us and just being near him...
today in his apartment. we were sitting soo far away. i just wanted to inch closer but i felt stupid. i wanted to tell him to shut up and just hold me like last time. but i felt like he would get mad or something. i want to kiss him. i want to talk to him. i want to be close to him again. i hate this. i really hate it. it was all my ffault. i pushed him too much. i presured him. and when i stopped it was too late. or maybe he just wasnt attracted to me ever. i dont know. i cant remember. i just miss him. i know he wasnt with anyone else. thats stupid. its so untrue. i just couldnt think of anything to say.. i needed something. i was venting. thats all. i know he had to go because he has to sleep. he has to get up early.. i just wish i knew what was goign to happen. he wont call me. he hasnt. he didnt even call to say that i dont have insurance. ive been driving around without insurance for like a week. we were engaged a year and he doesnt think im worth telling something important like that... i mean who knows how long i could have driven without knowing. im not mad. it just hurts that he doesnt think of me anymore. about anything.
i need someone to talk to.
he's right about everything. we pushed eveyone out of our lives. i hate it. i dont even know how it happened.
i love him. i miss being able to cry with him and being held. or holding him when he is stressed or sad. i miss rubbing his back and stomach before falling asleep sometimes. i miss when he would kiss me every morning before work. i miss watching movies and shows with him. i miss just being in the same room. does he miss me like that? does he miss those things too? or does he just fill his head with all the bad things? like my mom. and the whole aaron thing. and stuff like that.... things that had nothing to do with US and how we felt about each other. they affected us but they shouldnt have defined us. i was wrong to take my mother so seriosuly and he was wrong about stuff with his brother. but who cares. its in the past. who cares. we should just be able to forgive each other. i justw ant to be with him. i know i got mad about stupid things sometimes like a dropped call. but he told me and i stopped.. at least i mean from what i remember i really do think i stopped. cuz its not his fault. its his phone. i was never mad at him. i was upset at his phone. i just express it stupidly. cuz im stupid.
he said its not that he wants to go, but he had to.. because of work. but he wont call me i already know.. i wish he would have just said "i'll call you tomorrow" or "i'll call you never"... at least if it was the first one i wouldnt have to cry over the second one right now. and if it was the seocnd then at least i know these tears are justified.
he makes me feel so unwanted. but just now. it hasnt always been like this. right before the break. things were ok. why did i do this?
so i felt really stupid. and crappy. after leaving. i get in my car and start the engine. i turn on my phone and i have a voicemail.. and its from jason. singing "isnt she lovely".. i know huh? how wonderful is that? but i couldnt enjoy it. i couldnt think "wow. this guy is amazing.." i just wanted it to be timmy so badly. maybe not singing if he didnt want to.. but just expressing the same thought.... just feeling the same as this guy that i barely know. i want timmy. i know im stupid because he doesnt want it anymore and now theres this person who does want it.. or well something.. but i cant help it. i'd give it all up for another go.
its true it was chaotic. i would work so hard to make things better. so much of what was effecting my mood and my emotions.. so much is gone. my mother and me have had a break thru. brett situation is now a nonsituation. living together isnt an issue. the brother issue was soo long ago that it shouldnt matter and im ok not bringing it up anymore. the only other thing is people... having more people. but we could. we could go to church more or we could go out more. we could go out with bea and ryan more. as much as he would want to.. i like them. i was uncomfortable at first but that wass soooo long ago. that was like a year ago when i said i felt awkward. and even so.. i still wanted to push thru the awkward phase. its just hard to meet people. we both werent in school. he works with a bunch of old guys. we werent going to church. where else do you meet people? and i was open to going out with that guy and his gf from work or lenny and his gf. i think things could be so much better now. things that stressed timmy out are gone too. like financial stuff. he said he felt like i made him feel bad for wanting to buy things. but i didnt mean to. i thought i was doing the opposite. he would say "i want an xbox 360" and i would say "get it" and i wasnt like just syaing it. i meant it. its not my money. its his. and the wedding thing isnt happening.. (oi, its hurts) but that was such an isue with money and its ok now.. he has a nice car that he's always wanted. and things are going good... we didnt wait long enough to find out if we could go good.. but we could see somewhat the outcome.. it was better than good. i mean i know its not much but we started hiking. we had fun. i did. i think he did. i liked spending time with him like that. i miss him. it was something new for us and idk.. it doesnt matter i guess.
i could go on all night. i wish i knew what he was thinking . i wish he had a diary or journal i could read so i wouldnt have to wonder. i know im just pushing him away by being so open about my feelings. but i just want him to know. whats so wrong about that? i love you timmy. i miss you so much.
maybe i just havent cried about it enough. maybe after crying forever i'll be able to shut up and think clearly..
im going to go cry myself to sleep...
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