Listening to: switchfoot- you
well yesterday was fun.. i forget what happened mostly.. mmm..
went to school. yoga wasnt too awkward. brett gave me a sunflower.. and he made me a present. oi. i went to work and it was good.. but lame.
tim picked me up and we hung out.. we got out of the house for a while. that was nice.
Today i slept in reeeeeeeally late. i didnt even mean to.. i slept thru my alarm. I got up. did chores. waited for my mom to come home. did my hair. got ready and then sal picked me up and we went to the murder mystery party. it was pretty fun. sal looked so funny. good funny. it was kind of a joke that he was my father but it worked i guess. he ended up trying to kill me. and then i hired someone to kill him and he died muahaha. i got propsosed to 5 times almost 6. lol. thats always interesting. ha. and i got engaged to "PJ" or kelli cuz he was the only one i knew wasnt trying to kill me or take my money. mmm the food was pretty good. we took lots of pictures.. but not with my own camera. i didnt have one but they had cameras on the tables for random pictures.. talyas dress was so pretty.
more later uz im too tired to really get into detail.
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my mom is such a jerk...
she wont leave me alone. i cant deal with this. no one even can see what happens and she acts ahh i cant even put into words whats happening.. and its hard because if i could it might be ok but i cant so no one understands. and i wish people could just see through her. i looked like a fool tonite but i dont know.. i couldnt really stop myself. i just am to a point with my mom where everything she does pushes me over the edge.. but it didnt come out of nowhere... im not just deciding to out of the blue be a jerk... i know im out of line alot.. but no one knows what she does... and she says things and twists them so she looks good. all the time. and i look like crap. who cares. i am crap. ok? she wins. whatever. i told tim to go home. i didnt want him to go. oi. i just wanted to kill something and i didnt want to take my anger out on him. and i didnt want her to affect how i treated him. i just wanted to scream and cry and be stupid.. i cant do that with him here. and i dont want to. i want to be happy with him.. i hate this crap. and i hate that it matters so much. i dont even know what i want. in 5 seconds everything is changing because.. i dunno i always say to myself "ok.. new day.. everything is good now" but no.. its not. its always the same thing. she wont ever change. and im sick of it being like this.. especially with a guy around to watch me look retarded. cuz i know its me. im saying shes crazy and such but maybe i am. maybe its all my fault all the time. who cares.. i just dont want anyone to see me like this. maybe it wont ever change.. so maybe i wont ever want anyone to. i dont want to be with anyone. i just want to crawl in a corner and shrivel up. so i told tim i didnt know if i wanted to see him tomorrow. i said i didnt want to go to church anymore too. thats not even true.. maybe at the time. oi. i dont want him or anyone else to be involved anymore. i dont deserve anyone anyways. im so stupid. i dont want to be here. i want to go to missouri so bad. anywhere actually. just not here. gah.. why would anyone want to be with me anyways? i have no money. no car. a crap job.. nothing at all.. i cant even leave and i definately cant change things. its a good thing tim is figuring all this out now before he asked me out. cuz he wanted to yesterday...bah. i hope he's glad he didnt.
i hope everyone is wonderful. a perfectly crap ending to an almost "good" night.
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