BAH. NANA.

Jefri is very oinky today. His eye looks better but I am pretty sure he is completely blind now.. the more time he spends at my moms the more blind he gets urgg.. How will he know how happy I am to see his little face? :( If he ever goes back there he'll probably come back with no eyes at all. just holes. on his face.

fun fact: painting isn't fun.

sal and stephnie are coming over Monday. which i mean is cool but i can't help feeling a bit annoyed. but its not like i can say anything because it will just come out wrong cuz i mean they are coming.. and sal never takes anything i say right so it will just be a fight so i will just be a shut mouth. yes a shut mouth that's a thing. which also means i can still type about it... yeah.. YEAH! so.. a few weeks ago he got all cally on me. like calling all the time. like almost everyday. mostly cuz i am working on his dads site and also we were both in the middle of condo renovations and exchanging notes and whatknot. and i asked him to help us paint but he had to work. and then i go help him paint and after that a week goes by without a single word. i brought this up to Tim and he's like yeah seriously that's weird. so then i think i sent him a fb message about his dads site. and that night i tell tim we should invite them over. and then the next day i get a call from sal. and he's like what r u guys doing monday and i'm like "we're free but.. " and i was going to say we wanted to see if you want to come over but instead i asked why? but i already knew why i just had to hear him say it.. and as i predicted he's like just wanted to invite you guys over to see our place its all set up. (even tho earlier in the convo they were still unpacking... *confused face*) and I'm like oh... cuz well.. we were planning to ask if u guys wanted to come over here cuz we finally finished the floors (which they knew cuz of fb and steph liked our pics).. and he's like... "ohh... yeaaaah .. suure" i mean not verbatim but thats the gist in this like.. disappointed sounding voice like.. trying to sound enthused but not being enthused at all but knowing he cant say no because we go there EVERY time we hang out like so many times we cant even count anymore. for years. YEARS... oh the gas.. (but we don't complain. one time we said it was the gas and it does get expensive but that was another story) and they've i think both come once like actually into our place and I'm pretty sure they had the kids which is important to note because most of the time the reason they can't come is because the kids are allergic but i could have sworn they brought paige.. and then the time we went to the mall but we didn't come here so really does that even count? and Sal came 1 other time.. so 2 times, maybe 3.. in 5 years living here. i mean when you think about it like that its really just silly. i know they have kids, but someday we will too. will that just mean we'll never hang out again? I'd imagine things would be the same just us toting along a baby. which btw isn't how it will be. thats how it woooould have been if the realization of how sucky our side of the stick was hadn't sunken in. and its sunken. pretty deep. i mean that's pretty one sided. Also when we move to Bakersfield no way they are driving all the way up there. so this is like the last month or 2 they have to come over. and i know recently we've been going up there a little more often because I've been talking to my mom and brother again so it hasn't been as big of an issue as it had in the past.. and they might use that as like a reason. but it shouldn't be because in the past we had no excuse to go up there at all expect to see them. and now that holidays are over we don't go up there a lot and when we do go see my mom i'm too tired to do anything else. i can only do so many social things in 1 day. in actuality it would probably be more accurate to say i see my mom when i go up there to see them. not the other way around. so that's all about that. idk. just bugging me. we'll see how it goes. if he says 1 thing about the drive or gas tho i'm just going to lose it. and then I'll be the crazy one of course. i think i've been a really good friend. i mean no one is perfect and i say inappropriate things and he says things without thinking and tim and steph just watch haha... and then we had that falling out but we bounced back and idk in some ways it made us close and in some it made us not as close so.. its weird.

I'm secretly dreading this baby shower tho. i wish they could see that i care about them by sending them a present and not going. i mean. its going to be excruciating. just like paiges baby shower. u know when people say oh just go u will be happy u did or it wont be as bad as u think.. i wasn't and it was worse. but we didn't know i had Asperger's back then we do now.. don't they know how horrible these things are for me by now? they've probably never looked into it. did they have one for elijah? well i wasnt invited if they did. i wont know anyone. or it will be people i am uncomfortable around like sals mom uhg and becca and fran? and justin who are friends of andres so that's awkward. idk why it has to be it just is because he probably.. well no not probably. i know he told them a bunch of crap. i just dont want to see these people. and to put the icing on the crap cake... its a pool party. fantastic. i hate being in a bathing suit. i look like a 12 year old boy next to these people. sometimes i seriously think about getting a boobie job. and then i realize how incredibly narcissistic that is and how i will have to explain it to my non existent daughter someday and how what if one popped and i was all disfigured and walked in circles for no reason... but it would help heaps with self esteem. grr. and also they are all moms and its bad enough its a BABY shower. throw in a unch of moms and i am in my perfect hell.

wanna hear something stupid.. no really.. it is probably the stupidest thing I've done in a while. a few months ago or even more.. it was a while ago.. i was applying to roles on Mandy. and i submitted for this one i thought i was a good fit for. didn't hear back. then about a month ago.. i get a random email from the poster saying they were needing a replacement for that role and they were shooting in simi valley the following week. i saw it 2 days late because it was in my spam folder and cuz i don't check that email as often anymore. i wrote a reply saying sorry i didn't reply but i was interested and to please send more information about the role. but i got nervous. and made it a draft. and then i just never sent it. because i suck. and all i could think of was this one time i went to this audition. i was emailed the slides and we met at a park and he recorded me doing the scene with him and he watched it back and said i need to spend more time in front of the mirror. in other words. u suck at acting. then i thought about when i got that small role in that short film. and i had like 2 lines. and the scene was like 1 minute. but i was so excited. and they cut it. probably because i was terrible. but I'll never know. the director is my friend on fb but I'm too ridiculous to ask what i did wrong. and how i can improve. it makes me mad tho because for that one i told him i had no experience and i didnt want to waste his time especially since it was 2 hours away. he said don't worry about that - i will work with you. he did not say one thing to me about what i should do different. so what tho.. thats just how it is.. but i'm just dumb. i knooow there will be rejection and theres been other stuff but uhg too embarrassing. but this i felt might have been something that required something I'm not capable of. and i already knew it. but i should have went anyways. cuz if i randomly and miraculously did something right.. who knows. *facepam*

on a related note.. that movie i was an extra in is finally coming out. its been like 3 years. its weird watching the trailer and remembering those times. and the parts i'm in weren't even in the trailer but still. that was a good day. 2 days. and casey was there and we were beefs and i met some weirdos but cool weirdos. and it was so cold and our feet hurt so bad but it was so fun. and when they wanted me to turn and talk to the featured actors friend and then walk off with them on camera! and after everyone was like telling me good job and congrats cuz it was my first time and i was already being upgraded to more camera time. oh and when we walked by the 2 ladies who idk who they were but i know they were important to the movie.. maybe writers? but as all the extras walked by them one said "she was really good" but i didn't see who they were talking about. but i think it was me :) that was a good moment. i want more.

i should go to sleep.

Here's to being more positive today than yesterday...

And heres a bat filled with jelly