so yeah i talked to tim about missouri. i have before but.. well.. the fact that its actually maybe possible but most likely gonna happen... is kinda alot to take in. i shouldnt have told him so late at nite tho.. he has work in the mornings at 6 in the am and its hard enough for him to get up that early without having something on his mind like that. but im kinda doing things backwards. maybe not. i have alot to do and think about and make sure of and all sorts of nonsense.. and its hard to know what to do first. i guess the order doesnt really matter so much as long as i get it all done... like actually getting the go head from my aunt and uncle, telling my mom, praying about it, quitting my job, and.. talking to a pastor or something to see if this really is the only other option i have. i love living here. timmy is wonderful and every moment here has been amazing. and i would still have left my moms house. and i would still have come here. but i think i really need to think about what im doing. i dont want to be another statistic. and i dont want to ruin anything before it starts. and not just the me and timmy thing. but timmy and his relationship with God. Cuz that does matter to me. more than i'd like to admit. and i want to finally do what timmy asked, and help him.. cuz i feel like im only hindering his walk. and mine. i dont know what to expect going to missouri. or what to do out there even. i just think when i move, it'll just fall into place. because God will honor my decision. i think. i mean its what he wants... well not specifically missouri but not here. mmm.. i havent read any books lately/. the ones my mom would want me to read. i really liked the last one but i never finished it. i only got halfway through. the bride wore white or something. its a really good book. i once heard a pastor at a church camp say "fall in love with God before you fall inlove with a bf/gf" and i thought i was inlove with God. but i know now.. it wasnt enough just to love him. i have to surrender my life. and in one chapter of that book the author and her bf (bob) had been getting a little too physical and she told him she didnt just want a face to sit next to in church. and she basically said she had to end things and surrender her life to God again. she described the whole event and said when she left the room she didnt know if she would ever see bob again. but as hard as it was she chose not to let that change her decision. and thats exactly what Gd always asks for over and over.. surrender everything and live for him.. and she surrendered bob.. who im sure was her everything. and he honored her like he promised. and eventually. later. after the fact, He allowed them to be together again and they got married. and everything was peachy keen. im sure it wasnt easy for her to leave. but if she stayed and they kept doing what they were doing, she probably wouldnt have written that book at all. why? what would be the point? im sure no one would by it... itd be a book about what not to do.. or the bride who couldnt wear white because she isnt good enough... she wouldnt have a romantic love story or blessing from God or anything. she'd probably never want her relationship with bob to be published in a book if she would have done it her way. but Gods way makes them both look honorable, even tho at first they were a couple of jerky kids. thats what mrs salz meant when she said i was ruining something before it started. i want everything God has to give me and my husband. everything. and ive taken alot away. but its not too late. sometimes i think thats what holds me back from doing what i know im supposed to do.. thinking its too late all the time. i dont even know really what im talking about anymore but.. theres a point in there somewhere.. but who said entries need a point anyways. side note: im either in denial or psycho.. but secretly im just scared. but being scared wont really change or solve anything huh? k so.. i am doing laundry and its taking forever. stupid laundry. i wanna watch never been kissed for some reason. im so gay. my mom still has my pulp fiction. must. get. back. the. pulp.