The afterglow.. its not a description of the current state of my affairs. But its a nice goal.

Things never seem to settle. Probably because I keep kicking them around.

My car took forever to get fixed and I Tim let me stay with him and was gracious enough to let me borrow his sometimes.He would read this and scoff like.. what else woudl i do? But so much else.. idk.

My Aunt Mercy passed away.

My Aunt Irene came out for the memorial and we talked and everything is better. She wants me to come out and see Eryckas baby. She's pregnant with a boy. Due in November. I think I'll go around then to see him and help out.

My grandmas 80th birthday is in November. Ive been wanting to spend as much time with her as possible lately. I mean I have wanted to lately but since Mercy, its been even more pressing. Not just her but everyone.

I guess its about time I mentioned.. Tim and I have been separated for a year. Its so strange.. if anything its been a contradicting year.. the fastest and slowest.. the craziest without anything happening..

I was planning to go to China. For a few reasons. 1. Person who will not be named. and 2. This travel site idea that's been up in the air. Well the 1st reason made me want to go as soon as I could.. but since that's no longer a reason... I have time.

And now.. I might actually just end up going back to Europe. Finish where I left off before I got sick. I reeeeally really wanted to see France. And more of Spain and Germany. I feel like I rushed it. 2 months seems like a long time but I really only hit the major cities. So I feel like I got more of a touristy experience than I would have hoped for. I want to go to more secluded places. Not so many "churches" and "museums" but more landscape stuff like I originally wanted.. I just ended up going with the flow of whoever I was with. but my favorite times were spent outside in beautiful places.. like cinque terre. not some church i never heard of or care about... i can admire it from outside if I happen to pass by.. I mean I enjoy architecture but not enough to find EVERY church and museum in prague facinating. Vysherad was cool. Idk some of the people I met like Kayoko were just interested in marking things of a list. Not my style. But she was so organized.Not everyone was like that thought. There were people who wanted to experience good food and a more local vibe... so that was good. I really wish I would have taken the time to go to the crooked forest in Poland. If I do go back I'll go to... France, Spain again, Portugal, Germany again, Switzerland but only because I think I can stay with some friends in Geneva (otherwise too expensive), Greece, Italy again (since i first got sick there and didnt really get to see much towards the end), Croatia, Poland, Romania, Bulgaria, Turkey, Sweden, Norway. Idk thats a lot. But definitely France if nothing else. Idk. China is still a possibility, but maybe after giving Europe another go. Whats the rush?

Decided to get a job. Or something. I've only been looking for things that would give me the freedom to travel. Might get back into acting. Might become obsessed with the guitar. Might work at a 9 to 5 job. Idk. Might do a lot of things. I haven't decided. Maybe I'll take all this useless money and go back to school but what a waste.. when I could go in France for cheaper. Or not at all. I feel like I learned more in 2 months in Europe than 2 years here at some stupid job I hated. I'd rather be basically poor and have experiences than making money just to spend my time being miserable. I'm miserable enough without adding to it.

beep boop beep.

What else..

Oh. Since I had been planning to go to China.. I got myself a travel guitar. Because I didn't want it to be like Europe where I was playing and FINALLY started to be able to play without it hurting so much. Calluses for the win. you cant really see them but they're hard. But they disappeared after a few weeks away. Didnt want to lug my guitar around een though its a student guitar so its smaller than most.. its still way too big. I got the ultralight travelguitar. It was on sale. wanted the natural wood one because i liked it but it was also $100 cheaper than the other color. Same model, just black. I didnt even like the black. Well i had a BUNCH of problems with my order.. from them saying it was in stock when it wasnt to them telling me i could only have a flooor model to them shipping it to the wrong place.. so eventually i asked for free shipping and no tax. they agreed. and since they eventually told me the guitar was out of stock and i would have to wait for them to get more which could take MONTHS.. they said i could get the black one.. i said ok but for the same price.. they resisted but I got it :) And in person the black is actually pretty nice.But it said it was an acoustic / electric but it feels / sounds more like an electric. I am used to acoustic so its kinda hard.. but i like the feel of it. The dudes at guitar center kept saying things like it would be hard to get used to the small size at first.. but for me, it felt way more natural than a regular guitar. After playing a regular sized guitar for a while I always get a cramp in my shoulder. So its nice not having to deal with thaaat. Still suck. But whatever. Its a fun hobby. Music therapy. Makes me happy.

Since I moved back home.. yeah.. I moved back home.. meh... but its been interesting.. I talk to my brother again. It was sort of weird though still. Since my aunt mercy passed we actually have been talking a lot. less weird. i missed him. We always pick up where we left off. Have fun talking and joking. Idk.

So we were talking about everything and at the end of the conversation Idk why but the gym came up. He is like.. obsessed with working out. well not really but he goes 6 days a week and he's all into it. And i guess I mentioned I had been getting skinnier but I still had a pooch. or something like that. And he said "give me 3 months" lol. I mean I'm not fat but I'm not in shape.. I can run a couple miles without dying but I'm not like toned. He said he could change that. haha. I bet he could but I told him he had a week before I left. I guess now I can give him that 3 months.

Anyways so I went. He gets a free pass. It was my first time ever at a gym.. it was weird. And he kicked my arse. EVERYTHING hurt. i could barely lift my phone the next day and the 2nd day was even worst... But I went 2 days later and it helped. I'm going today. I think. I forget if he said they rest on Sundays. Monday for sure. Sean goes too. Jason said everyone else he's taken eventually quits but Sean keeps coming back. He said he would break me too. HA. Heh.. he probably will. But idk I think it'll be somewhat of a challenge to accomplish.. It gives me something to do.. takes my mind off things. Never thought I would step foot in a gym. I hate people looking at me when I'm working out but they go at 7:30pm so its not so bad. Not a lot of people.

Also decided to juice again. Its weird.. ok even if I eat horribly but just add juice, not even eliminate crappy food, just add 1 glass of juice a day.... after a week I not only feel better but I lose weight. If I try actually eating right... then its insane. My tummy shrinks. I always wondered what would happen if I ate right, juiced AND worked out every day.. we shall see. My brother has an 8 pack. :/ I have.. a pack. 1 compartment. Stores all my food babies haha

So. You know how when you're going to tell someone something important... and they interrupt you and start talking about chocolate milk? No? Oh. I guess its just me. lol. Sucks.

I should be sleeping. haha. sleep.

I feel better than I did yesterday. So that's something.