people are so annoying. how can girls be so naive? was i that naive? i have been i know... but its hard to watch it from a distance.. and you think.. "really??? are you serious???" and they are. but that's because i was ignorant. if someone was like "listen to this.." anyone. if someone had information i needed to know... then i would listen and i wouldn't be ignorant anymore. i guess its not naivety. i think i am more confused at the stupidity. who is stupid enough to chose ignorance? it puts a nauseous feeling in my stomach.. about how people can get away with things. all the time. he thinks just because no one knows, he wont someday suffer consequences? (Brett. not Tim) I tried to do the right thing. I had wanted to say something in the beginning. but i knew it was only my hatred towards him and desire for him not to ruin someone elses life. but. this time it wasn't just that. i had information i needed to pass on and they didn't want to hear it. i think its sad if anything. I guess all i can do is let it go and trust that he will reap what he sows and its out of my hands. and that the truth will reveal itself eventually. and that if she wants to be a bitch when someone is just trying to help. she can suck it. uhg what a bitch. other things that pissed me off today. having to call my mom to say we're picking up my stuff. it actually went ok. no complications. in and out. barely any words spoken. i had a lot more stuff than i thought. i always say that. its like the longer it stays there, it multiplies. its weird. we went to super wal-mart on the way home :] Oh the joys that come with super wal-marts. its so sad that we don't have one out here.. can you even believe it? its horrible. we ran into Kelly and John. I thought i saw them in the isle before but wasn't sure. then 5 minutes later we're in the next isle and i turn around and she's standing right next to me. it was cool. haven't seen them in a while. their baby is really big. and really cute. i can't remember her name. fayleen? or something like that. its really bizarre and sweet... mushed together. we bought a bunch of christmas crap. 75% off! that's crazy. a whole bunch of stuff and everything was like 50 cents to like $2 at the most. we cleaned out the garage tonight. it was so cold out but it looks a lot better. we FINALLY bought something to block the rain from getting into the outside porch. we were checking on Jefri today and he had a scratch on his back. and his fur was all weird in that area.. like something bit him or scratched him. so he's inside now. until we get that tarp up to block rain, and jefri eating creatures :[ in the boxes from my moms were some presents. 2 knife sets. its sort of funny how, even with the limited amount of presents we received, we still got duplicates.. typical of weddings but funny. o well. we have 3 knife sets now. they are pretty neat tho. way better than our first ones. and we have a juicer. its neat too. my grandma sent us jam for my birthday. it was 2 months ago.. jam doesn't go bad right? its not opened. but its homemade. idk. I'm going to go study some stuff and watch the tv. Timmy has a 3 day weekend next week. everything has settled down. it got weird. it got scary actually. thinking things i swore i wouldn't think. its funny how that happens. its weird how you think of the worse case scenarios thinking you've prepared for every possible outcome, and then... oh yeah.. missed that one.. and you have to reevaluate your thinking process all over again. your values and standards and everything. i think its fine now. but i am not so naive in my thinking this time. i know i just said what i said, but... i think i really have thought about everything. and if not, i know what i can and cant do and that's enough for now. if that makes sense. ____________________________________________________ I've been up all night (ha, surprised?) researching different things. I've been trying to gain as much knowledge as i can as i explore the idea of starting a business. before i actually do anything. exploration can be exciting. but it can also be scary. and a little intimidating. and there are all these obstacles and its hard not to think... whoa. can i do that? When i think about all the possibilities and opportunities.. when i think of how.. i have nothing to lose at this point.. and how no better option has been placed in front of me to make this a less desirable option... i get excited. and then reading about all the paperwork. all the legal and financial.. am i able? can i handle that? i can barely manage my life. In my defense.. I'm not particularly excited about my life at the moment.. when it comes to career/job/money/etc areas. I'd like to do something on my own for once. I'd like to be taken seriously. for once. I'd like people to look at me and think "i want to do that". in a non-sexual way. lol. sorry that was inappropriate. i actually laughed out loud. anyways... its not like i want to be the next Microsoft or the gap. i just want to be successful and i want to do it myself. i need a little independence i think. not that i wouldn't need help. I'm not someone who doesn't welcome help, as much as my mother would love to argue. i know it would be impossible to do this completely alone. Most successful entrepreneurs are married. its good to have a constant support system. and i have that with Tim. when i read that it just gave me a good feeling. he's always supported everything I've proposed. stupid and otherwise. He's seen me fail and give up and lose heart.. and i want to break the cycle and show him he's married to someone stronger than that. maybe this isn't the way to do that. i don't want to fail at something else with him watching. if he hasn't lost faith in my ability to do.. anything.. it will happen eventually. if not already. maybe just going to school is the answer. not that i am not going to go to school if i decided i wanted to. I'm going to school either way. but maybe full time school is the right decision... Although, I also read that a recession is a perfect time to start a business. especially a small business. for lots of reasons. and that a lot of famous successful companies started during a recession/depression. that was encouraging. but i dunno. maybe I'm just fooling myself. trying to be something I'm not. some people were meant for big things. and some people were meant for.. writing random blogs in the middle of the night. morning. bah. Choli keeps farting. its like she does it on purpose. she was all the way on the other side of the room laying down and she runs over to me.. farts.. and runs away. jerk. uhg. gosh. i just heard Tim's alarm clock go off... I'm not even tired. i want to go talk to him. i like when we talk in the mornings before he gets up. maybe that's why i stay up this late :p if i didn't i wouldn't even hear the alarm and sleep until he's heading to the door. we need more ink toner. and shelves for closet. and a bookshelf for this room.