people are confusing. especially people I know.. and have known. everyone. I don't understand why they do things. I think i am pretty 'gettable'. why'd she do that probably doesn't pop into people's heads that often when they think of me... without already knowing the answer. like, "hmm why didn't she go to her mom's for Christmas?.. oh that's right.. because her family's a bunch of tossers and treat her like crap.." and so on. but i always seem to have that question in my head, constantly.. for practically every person i know.. "why did he/she do that?" and i never have an answer. why did my "mom" ignore me for the last couple months? why does she always ask me what i want from her when i tell her every time we talk? why does she think i want to talk now after i have come to terms with the situations and started to move on? why does my brother think that he is owed so much when he has given so little? and why did my mom call me entitled when she lives with Jason, who thinks he is the most entitled person ever? why did Brett chase me for years when all he wanted to do was hurt me? Why is he so stupid? Why did Vannessa decide to make up a bunch of crap to end our friendship? Why did she make it all sound like my fault when i should have been the one mad at her, when i should have been the one to end our friendship? why did she let her friend Linda pull her back when she pushed her away, but when i tried to pull her back she just pushed harder? why don't people understand that when you hurt them it hurts to trust them? or people in general. i don't get Vannessa. I don't Jenae and I don't get Vannessa. They said things that obviously were not true and they didn't mean. Vannessa said we were like sisters. best friends. she said we would get through anything. but look what ended our friendship... a birthday. the fact that i was too poor to afford to go to her birthday. my mom said no before i was grounded. but she thought the reason i couldn't go was because i was grounded. and then my mom changed her mind i think towards the end or something i can't remember the order but she calls Vannessa to see who was going, which means she was going to ask if Brett was going. (no good comes when Brett is involved.. uhg) so Vannessa says yes even though i never said he was going. and how could he? he was in Chico.. i don't really remember in detail but i know he wasn't coming so the whole thing was a misunderstanding. and she was stuck in the middle of my mom and me. and its not my fault. i didn't put her there. i tried to talk to my mom but she knew how my mom was. there was no reasoning with my mom. and she would always take my moms side anyways. and did i end our friendship for that? no. i wanted to. several times. i was so frustrated with her for choosing my mom over me but i knew it was a hard situation for her to. i had understanding for her situation. something she obviously didn't have for me. She ended the friendship. but she made it seem like it was temporary. "i will call you when i am ready".. after 3 years you kind of get the hint. but eventually i contacted her. i was sick of the feeling like.. even though i didn't think of her everyday, its not like i was literally waiting but in a way when i did think of her i was sort of waiting. so it was like... what do you have to lose? and she responded and it was good. only. i got the feeling, more than once, that even without saying it, it was like she was "forgiving" me. when we both did things to end the friendship but i honestly think it was her fault. i could have worked it out. it was like when me and tim broke up... it wasn't fair because he broke up with me. but he never told me why. until after. and even after that we talked about it and he realized it was just a misunderstanding that he exaggerated. and if he would have told me when it was happening, he would have known that and we would have never broken up. and i feel the same way with Vannessa. like.. if she wouldn't have just ended our friendship so suddenly. if we could have talked about it not just for an hour at 10pm but actually sit down and talk about it... she might have seen that some of the things she was upset about we all in her head. like the Daniel thing. and that some things.. like her and Brett talking behind my back are things that i was upset about but didn't choose to end our friendship over because that's stupid... anyways. i feel like i am always stuck. i don't like feeling stuck. like.. ok if i want a relationship with this person, i have to pretend that that happened the way THEY remembered it and that I am wrong... but i get so tired of that. but if i don't, then no relationship. but then, is it worth it for a person who would make someone do that? i stopped talking to her, i didn't send a response to her email because it was during all the wedding crap and i was depressed and having other family issues to deal with and i was overwhelmed and i didn't trust anyone at all and it made me really skeptical of everyone.. especially people who had hurt me. and she had. so i just didn't respond. it's been 2 months or more and she sends me comments on my myspace. and it was nice. but at the same time. confusing. because i would like to be her friend, i would have liked to have never stopped being her friend. but at the same time, who is to say she actually cares about me? i need to surround myself with genuine people. and someone who swears to be there no matter what and can walk away so easily.. is that genuine? i dunno. i hate the in and out with people. stay or go. but i am having a hard time giving people a chance to even get in enough to stay because so many go. and come back and go and come back and go and mainly stay gone. so its a little ridiculous actually. bah. i dunno. i have to go to bed.