gosh. I just got off the phone with pdk. its not that I dont like talking to him. cuz I actually do. He's easy to listen to and has so many good things to say. He was asking me about tim and stuff and i told him basically what was going on. But He wants to know like the whole story kinda thing. like everything. and Im not really sure what to say since.. honestly im pretty confused myself. I know my decision, our decision.. was a good thing. But theres a lottttttt more to it and i dont know if he'd understand. Maybe think Im a bad person. Maybe I am. I dont know. he says I am stuck in a pattern of jumping from one frying pan to another. heh. maybe he's right. or maybe he's been right but i dont know maybe its different. but thats probably foolish to say. He says he knows what i want but Im like a little kid reaching for a ball but they keep kicking it further away with their feet. Im pushing away what I want. heh well. I really dont want to be. I mean. Thats why I told tim we need a break because I want to be alone because I know I am dependent on him. or was. I dont want to be. I dont want to do this the wrong way. I didnt want to make a mistake because we just fell into a mindset like it was the right thing to do or prove people wrong or think its what we really want when its not. And he said more than once that it wasnt. and i guess it took him saying that to realize i had to do this. I mean I never meant for it to go this far. move in with my bf just for kickcs.. at the time i felt i had to and i still think moving out of my mothers house was the right choice. but maybe not the where to part. but i know i wont make that mistake again. anyways. He said to pray about it and call him tomorrow. Ive been praying about it all week. God isnt being very responsive. I just realized that in 8 days, i wrote like 20 entries. geezzzz heh maybe i should chill out. _______________________________________________________ God is amazing. I wanted an answer to all my crazy questions. I asked for something. I couldnt find my bible. I think its still at tims. So i got the mothers and was flipping through. Wondering what to read. And I saw a church bulletin in the middle. And it said "When you are faced with an impossible situation; pray, wait, and obey". And its crazy. i read everything and it was exactly what I asked for. it wasnt exactly an answer.. but directions. Directions I know but constantly forget. This is what I read incase anyone is in my boat. toot toot. pray aligned- Philippians 4:6-7 bodily- 1 John 4:4 wait conffidently- Psalm 27:13-14 patiently- Psalm 37-7 obey completely- Philippians 2:5-8 I've been so ridiculous. thinking only of myself and what I want. I need to just shut up for once. Let everything just go. And see where things hit the floor. maybe the things I want really are the things I need. but. I want to get them the right way. I dont want to keep kicking the ball. anyways. happy reading :)