guess not. why is everyone still able to be friends after so long? what happened? vannessa, jenae, shelby, ali, and kimmy, etc. even emmy and jenn and the other jenn. they all have lives of their own and new best friends. i have a life of my own yeah, i mean im engaged and theres lots going on.. but why couldnt i have both? how was it so easy for them? why me? of all people.. while everyone else obsessed over boys and such, i was just there.. and then brett happened and i still wasnt like everyone else. jenae even said so herself. i made time for my friends. but apparently thats not being a good friend or something. i miss them. everyone. maybe not vannessa so much cuz she was messed up. but even people i hardly saw or wasnt even that close to. i really miss them. you know. there are those times when you think about the future and you can picture how its going to be even tho its the future, you know certain things just cant change. but then all of a sudden its "the future" and those things actually do change.. and ur like "what the hell?.. now what?" in highschool, i remember thinking about how things would turn out someday. i remember once thinking about my wedding day. and i could see this big wedding with family and friends and all sorts of stuff that i dont see anymore. a lot of things have changed. the groom for one. and i dunno, i always imagined jenae and vannessa as my bridesmaids. stupid i know but the last time i really thought about my wedding in detail... it had them in it. and its just kind of a weird reality check. how can people go from being ur best friend to nothing at all? its not just like we were props and accessories. i genuinely cared for them. i dont know why everyone thinks break ups are so awful, losing a friend can be just as or more painful. cuz when ur young, u expect that your first or second or whatever bfs arent going to last.. who expects their best friend to just out of the blue never talk to u again? for a while i thought it was because of bf's and life and eventually things would calm down and we'd all be able to hang out and have some sort of relationship. but its not life. its not bf's. its me. vannessa said "temporary" and here we are years later still not friends. and i sent jenae a message and she just blew it off. she didnt even say if she was mad at me for some reason.. nothing. and i know im not perfect but no one is. and its not like it would matter cuz jenae is friends with sara again. sara who was a jerk to us. but really i understand why she is friends with her cuz i miss sara too. and all the highschool crap shouldnt even matter. but why her and not me? i cant think of anything i could have possibly done.. but if i did anything i wish i could know cuz i would make it right. or try. with vannessa i tried but she didnt even want to talk about it. she was set on getting out of my life and there wasnt anything i could do. and really i dont want a friend who would do that anyways. but everyone else is missed.. not to be all mellow dramatic.. but why do things happen like this? other than that, im tired.