oi. i am so angry right now. i mean. i dont get jealous of others very easily. not like.. o i wish i was them kinda things.. cuz thats dumb. its been a pretty long time.. but right now. i cant help it. things seem so easy for lisa. im sure they probably arent. but she has so much. and she doesnt even appreciate it. well maybe she does. i dunno actually. its just notvery easy to sit here in my boyfriends apartment and think about how when she got kicked out of her house by her mom. and how she has a dad to let her back in and make everything right. that same day. and even if her dad were to kick her out.. how she has lamont and his familyready to take her in in a second. Im not saying i dont want to be here. i love being here. i love tim. i just didnt perseve this for my future. i didnt ever think i would be the one jealous of how another girls life is turning out. because i was set on being that girl. and then. 17 happened. and everything changed.and i changed. and blah. i miss my mom and my brother. i dont want to move back home. and i wont. thats not an option. but i do want to be able to be in a room with them and not have them judging me every 5 seconds. not even thinking negatively. i want their support. and respect. but its like impossible. while im here that is. and ive been trying. not hard enough i know. and im going to try harder... to get a job. a good one. so i can get my own place and everything can calm down and maybe i can go to church again. but that all seems so distant right now. everything feels so complicated. it makes me wonder if these pills are even working. i mean. i feel soo depressed right now. so doubtful. i worry about everything. i thought these pills were supposed to help me relax and take everything like whatever. or maybe i would be twice as depressed if i wasnt taking them. which is scary to think about. considering what i did last week. only once but stiill. it shouldnt have happened at all. last night i just had a random break down. i could not stop crying at all. i dont know what the heck was wrong with me. well i know but usually i can get myself to stop crying. but it was just pointless. i think i was crying nonstop for at least 2 hours. yeah. thats not normal. i think i scared tim. im sure he wouldnt say that. but i was crying alot. and i dunno. im done typing.. so in summary.. im just so beyond stressed out right now.