The greatest thing you'll ever learn

is just to love,

and be loved in return

-moulin rouge

This is what happens when you base your outlooks on life on a movie...

the title of this entry is not exactly a motto like the one I wrote above, but the way I am going to look at boys and love from now on. ALl my life and forever. I will just accept that there are NO good ones. There just isn't one single guy who is decent and ALL boys will hurt you and let you down at one point, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT!. I know it and I know the world would like to belive otherwise. But thats the way it is and I am ok with that.. ok I am not "OK OK" with it, yet, but I will be. Even if it takes my whole life. Because I used to not trust boys from past experiences. Lots of them. But I guess thats what I get for being SOOO freaking naive... I am 17 and I am just so naive I wish I could change it but I cant change who I am. So I get hurt and everyone does so this is no pitty party. I hate pity. I dont want it. But I am just writing this for myself so I can read it over and over and over and try my best never to fall for such bull again. Everything is a lie. So I didn't trust them before, I was anti-guy but then I tried... I wanted to give them a chance because everyone said Jeni dont stop trusting people. Dont push people away. There are some good guys out there. But now I know maybe that is true, but not for me. And I will never trust any guys ever again. I dont care how mellow dramatic I am being. I dont want to get hurt again. So I used to say "follow your heart"... but your head will keep you safe.. DUH! So that's it heart, you've gotten me into so much crap. I hate you. I hate boys. I hate love. That was the last straw for me. Even if it wasnt a big one, it just was the tip of the ice berg and I am sick of it all. I am now anti-love. And I have no intention of turning back. I will be alone the rest of my life and I dont care. I have my friends right now. And someday they'll leave me too. And then I will be alone, but I will charish the time I have now with them and be there for them when guys screw them in the rear because they will, and I will be there. And that's not a bad deal. I am ok with that. I dont need guys to be happy. I have God and me and that's it. He's a guy, but he hasn't let me down yet.

What a week... I dont want to say what happened because he is a good person and I wouldn't want anyone to think less of him, but I will say that he lied. About liking me. And asked me out anyways. And let me believe he liked me. He "thought" he did... he should get an A in that class cuz he is a really good actor. And let me act like a fool and didnt take my feelings into consideration at all. And he I dunno.. why did he have to be so nice and perfect? Its like he was trying to do anything he could to make it sting more. Asked out and Dumped in 42 hours... is that a record? Its just I wanted my frist boyfriend to be special.. actually like me back. Now I will never have that. And I have to go to that class and everyone knows and its just so incredibly ironic because I knew it... didnt I say in the last entry... not TOO happy for I know happiness is only temporary, and I knew it. I had a feeling. And what do you know? It's funny. It is. Its not even what he did. Its that I liked him so much and he knew that and he still did it. God has a cruel sense of humor sometimes. Cuz its funny cuz i knew something like this would happen. It was too good to be true kinda thing. But no worries. He wants to be my friend I'll be his friend. But he will NOT take advantage of me again.

Well wasnt that a lovely little story..

I cut my hair. not too much, a bit. a bit.

I have to go to youth group now, I will probably write something in this when I get back cuz thats how much of a loser I am.

Ya know what? This is a good thing! A great thing! I don't know exactly wat is so great about it but I do Know that everything happens for a reason, and maybe this is a test, a start. For when I really get heart broken. I feel like shit now, but I know depression is only temporary. And God has a plan for me. A perfect plan and I will love it because he loves me and just wants me to be happy right? sure. I am going to go pound these thoughts into my head.

but i must go now so ta ta and farewell...

I hope your day was awesome and if not I'm really sorry.

- Duckie