Since Decemeber we've been moving on and doing good at it. I hardly ever gave them a thought anymore. I have other things to think about. But it doesn't really work if they start calling out of the blue. First x1 now x2. I immmediately declined the call. I thought when you decline that it just stops the call but i guess it sends them to voicemail. Uhg. so I have a voicemail sitting around on my phone that I don't feel like listening to. I might just delete it without listening to it. or have tim listen. the thought of hearing his voice makes me want to break everything in this room. i dont care what he has to say. Probably some condescending piece of bullshit. Unless they had some sort of realization about the past and the way they are and how they treated me and the reality of everything instead of their own little distorted view... i want nothing to do with them as they are now. to them that means do not talk to me for any reason whatsoever. and thats pretty true in my brothers case.. i really dont think there is anything he could say that would make Tim and I open to having him back in our lives.. i dont expect him to change who he is.. he has had a long time to do that and hasnt so what would change now? too little too late anyways. i refuse to have people in my life that constantly want to break me. subconciously and purposely.. either way theres the door. Every time i distance myself from them i build myself back up.. tim sees it. everything has been fine. then these stupid phone calls. its not like anyone is dead. if someone were dead either x1 or renee would call. if x1 died grandma or renee would call. so no one died. what other reason does he have to call.. i honestly just don't care. The only reason it is even significant enough tp write about is because i am on my freaking period (yeah whatever) and everything means way more than it should. I have tried the whole having a shred of hope for things to get better with them. I'm over that. I'd like to focus solely on the future. I need to move forward. They need to respect me and my boundaries or leave me alone once and for all. This constant in and out... there was a quote i saw the other day on facebook... something like: "if you want to be in my life the door is open. if you want to leave the door is open. just dont stand in the doorway because you are blocking traffic." Exactly.

I'm so sick of writing about them.

In other news. Tim is great. Today one of his supervisors told him that she is going to be promoted to a different job and that when she does she will need some guys to be like instructors or something and wants Tim to be one of them. This is an obvious choice and I don't jst say that being his wife...since he is one of the top guys, has few to no errors, and is easy to work with. He said the dude that comes out to give them more orders (when they've finished their route sheet) said that he is the only one who consistently finishes early and needs more work. This is really awesome news because he was mainly thinking of doing 1 of 3 other jobs. one was too competetive and would be unlikely he'd get a spot being so low in senoirity (someone with more seniority was number 75!). Another job requires a 5 year commitment. And the last job is extremely strenuous and sort of dangerous. So this would be more of a desk job. I think he deserves a job like that.. a lot less stress and a lot more money. He would even probably get a company car. we could sell the truck. So that's good. The months are flying by. He comes up to his year at the end of June so not too much longer. And if everything works out... maybe we will be able to take our honeymoon trip this year afterall. Finally. We're really hoping for October. Who knows if that'll actually happen but I hope so. I feel weird that it has been so long since our party and we havn't gone. i feel like people think we just took their money and spent it on other things. but its in the savings account. waiting. so far we hadn't gone because timhad no vacation days yet being a new job and all but now its just a money thing. We're trying to get rid of all our debt the last few months.

how do people find houses to rent these days... i cant find anything that doesnt look like junk or a scam. trying to find something around the same rent as this place but a house with a yard. jefri needs a yard bad. i think he's getting so weak because he was so used to having a huge grassy space to run around. even if it was a few minutes a day. I try making the cage as comfortable as possible but its not the same. and I can't let him loose in the apartment anymore because he forgot how to use the litter box 60% of the time. its becoming extremely hard to take care of him. :/

I've been writing more. And researching. Its just a matter of time. I know someone will benefit. Those who haven't found their voice. Or whose voices are being snuffed out.

I wish this laptops brightness settings were more than just super dark and blindly bright. Its hard to concentrate.

The birds around here don't sleep.

Mad Men: ....I need to play catch up ball...

Me: ooo ketchup balls

Tim: they're called tomatoes

hehe