Well today was ok. i slept most of it. not on purpose. just kinda happens. you know you slept too much when you start thinking you have things you dont. lol i dreamt yogi was here and when I woke up i was wondering where he was. well only for a second but it was so weird. i didnt take things to my moms house today. She had a thing with a bunch of people and i didnt want to be there for that. so i waited and called but she wasnt answering. so i dint think anyone would be home. so i went to ihop and a movie with tim instead. we saw acrss the universe. good movie. actually as time goes by im liking it more and more. it had some great parts man. im falling more in love as i think about it. not like what i thought it'd be. i thought it would be music and no dialouge, cuz thats what this one review said. but apparently they didnt see the movie. more dialouge than music. which was fine. i was just looking forward to the no words thing. i thought it would be different and fun. not that the movie wasnt diferent. it was creative. not a moulin rouge by no means. but it was nice. cute. romantic. man the main character was very.. quixotic.. lol. my new word for the month. it means someone who romanticizes everything. i think thats how things SHOULD be. I love having my head in the clouds. I prefer it there. i hate idealists. I hate how they think. Ive been there, dont that. But romance is a lot more interesting than that. I love passion. i yearn for it. cause I have way too much to pretend otherwise.. The scene where he goes to her work to yell at everyone.. o man. she's crazy for getting mad at him. i would eat that up.. I would love it. Someone to get that worked up over you. For anything really. It shows they find meaning in life. in love. in you. its attractive. well i wont give the whole movie away. but if u want my opinion about seeing it.. i think different people like differnt movies. so if you have a soul and love music, particularly the beatles but arent a perfectionist who hates change.. go. if you are an idealist.. run away! its just not your cup of tea. great music tho. i downloaded most of the music just now. anyways. we were going to move my things yesterday. but timmy says its too hard for him. we were holding stuff and heading for the door and he just started crying. i couldnt go. i cant go like that. but i have to. he knows it. kinda would like the help but i'm just going to move today when he's at work. i think it would be harder that way actually but i dunno. who knows. either way. things are so messed up. i dont know what i want anymore. i feel like not just 2 different people.. like so many different people that i cant even keep up. i need peace. i need clarity. i need time. i need therapy thats for sure. i dont know how things went from being soo calm to so out of control. 16.. 4 years ago. i swore off boys before even being with one. and all i cared about were my friends and church. and now.. love. its consumed my mind. its become my obsession. trying to put together my life.. instead of letting God take charge. I would say i want him to but honestly.. i cant stand not knowing. im scared of his plans. i shouldnt be. but what if they are soo different than what i thought? i dont want to be 35 and just getting married. Im kind of afraid i blotched things up too much and now its too late. and not even God can fix it. i know he can fix everything but i dont know people always say that if you follow your own path you can get something great but not what God had planned. not perfect. and even now, people say i wont get exactly what God wanted for me. what if i just get whats left? and what if its not much.. im not making sense. i miss simplicity. i wish i could just pin point the turning point. and where did i turn into another person?? cuz i am. so different. was it over time or a specific event? who knows i guess. who cares. it happened. i think moving home will be better than this. i will be miserable but i have been so i guess all that changes is the setting. and a new feeling.. loneliness. gah. ijust hope this doesnt end up ruining my birthday. but o well right? just a day i suppose. goodnight citizens of sitD.