Number two.... AGAIN! always.... Altho it is just one digit after #1. #2 is probably the most awful position a person can be in. especially if they are at least one digit after one in every relationship they have at the present time. and maybe even in their entire life. maybe. last night i stayed up crying for literally 3 hours straight thinking about how i am NO ONES #1. Not even my #1's #1. and i probably never will be... With my dad, I am #2 to my half brother. With my mom, I am #2 to my brother.. brother. With basically my entire family, I am #anything but one to all my other family members. With my church, i am #2 to my mom. With my brother, i am #2 to being a jerk. heh. With almost every friend since highschool, i am not #1. In almost every romantic relationship Ive had, i am #2 to something or someone. With Andres, I was #2 to his stupid car and his stupid friends. With Sean, I was #2 to stupid Kelly and his band. And now.. with Tim, I am #2 to his stupid brother. and #2 to amanda. and guitar. and sleep. and work. and anything else thats more important to him than me. but mostly his stupid stupid brother. and the stupid thing is... its never going to change. ever. at least it doesnt seem too likely. I mean he puts aaron before himself in most cases. he is SUCH a push over. He lets aaron just walk all over him. Im not saying he cant love the stupid idiot. but he just baby's him like no other. and he thinks by not talking to him about it that he is sparing everyone the hassle. but reeeeeally.. he is making it so much worse. because by not calling aaron on it... he's just saying "its ok aaron, continue to be a stupid idiot.. we like it! YAYY!" and he's just gonna get worse and worse and timmys gonna complain like he doesnt have a clue why.. and wonder what to do.. when the whoooooole time.. he could have done something from the beginning. cuz this is just the beginning. he said he would talk to aaron about the laundry thing. he didnt. knew he wouldnt. and now its old news. all according to plan im assuming. I just cant stand aaron. he is inconsiderate. annoying. rude. obnoxious. lazy. etc etc etc. and he is a dick to timmy. and timmy is a dick to him right back. and tim knows he's a dick to him. but if i am just a little less than nice to aaron.. tim gets mad. aaron doesnt give a crap about anyone but himself and yet timmy STILL makes him #1. does tim actually think he is aarons #1? ha. no way. aaron is aarons #1. and always will be. unless someone knocks some sense into him. and maybe that wouldnt even help. aaron has tim wrapped around his little finger. and its so stupid because its like tim wants it that way. i mean a while ago when aaron threw that shoe at me like a madman.. and tim didnt do ANYTHING... i got over it. i moved on. but only because tim promised that in the future he would stand up for me. and what could i do at that point but just believe him and wait? but he cant even stand up for himself. he will get all hot and heavy at me for simply shooshing his precious little brother just once after holding my tongue for a long time. i mean gosh.. aaron was soo annoying.. talking at EVER part of EVERY scene. not little stuff either. he even started whistling in the middle. like.. what the hell...?? and answering his cell and talking about his day.. right in the middle of everything. and yet tim thinks im being out of line or whatever to shoosh him. AND YET he didnt feel aaron was out of line to throw all our clean clothes on the dirty garage floor. if he cant defend me over stupid things like this, now... how will he act in the future? about things that actually matter? i mean everything is just backwards. Im not supposed to be here. And by being here and living how were living im just letting tim think this is how its going to be if we were to get married. If i let tim get away with stupid things like this... its only going to tell him its ok for the next time. I hate to sound like im talking about a 4 year old but god... men really do think like 4 year olds sometimes. i want to be married BY 20-21. 20 is coming up sooooo fast and 21 isnt too far away either.. and if tim wants a long engagement of 6 months or more or whatever... then he neeeds to be thinking of asking sooon. i knew he would wait till the last minute. and he thinks im rushing. i wanted to be married between 20 and 8 months and 21 and 3 months. thats soooooo close people!!!! i would prefer the 20 and 8 months but tim is afraid of commitment or something so i know its going to be closer to 21 and 3 months.. or more. no. not more. i mean i would love to sit back and let him suprise me. but i dont want to go a whole year waiting for that suprise to come only to be suprised that it didnt come and that he isnt even thinking about it. we just arent on the same page. how could i marry someone who cant even give me what i want? I want a husband who can protect me. tim cant protect me. he cant even stand up for me against his own brother. someone who is family. how could he EVER stand up for me against a stranger? he would just let anyone walk all over me. just like he lets everyone walk all over himself. and im just not going to pretend thats ok. I know if tim had it his way, we would just live together and years would go by and aaron and him would buy a house and id probably move in too and we'd all share rent and whatever and i would just pick up after them and clean and do all sorts of crap for them. and after a while i'd probably end up giving in and having sex. and getting pregnant. and he'd finally figure we should get married. only cuz of the baby. not for love. but then he would neglect me and the baby. and aaron would smoke weed around the baby and cus and be a dick and tim would think its peachy keen and i just wouldnt stand for it. and finally i'd leave. and go who knows where. and become a depressed single mom. just like my mom. and history would repeat itself. and i'd become a bitter old hag. and my kid would disown me and run away. and i'd die a miserable lonely life of regret. and i just cant let that happen. i want to marry for love. not for circumstance. i want a man to want to marry me. not have to. cuz a guy might be willing to be everything i need, but i want a man who is living to be everything i need. and i dont think tim is either willing or living to be that. and if he isnt even willing. he sure as heck isnt living for me.. so why the hell am i with him? AND! lately. ive been thinking about babies. a lot. like.. i reeeeally want one. so bad. Of course i wouldnt want to tell tim this. especially right now. it'd freak the heck out of him. cuz i know im not ready right now. but i just think babies are so amazing and i cant wait to love one so much. and at this point, im just scared that i wont even get married. and if i never get married.. im never gonna have a baby. bleh. and i cant even talk to tim about it tho. cuz he wouldnt understand. he doesnt understand anything i say to him. he doesnt get me at all. i mean i guess he tries. but he doesnt know where im coming from. sometimes i think im just too much for him. but its not like he didnt know what he was getting into. i told him what i wanted. did he think i was joking? i make it so easy. I gave him the blueprints. im just so stressed out. and this isnt just about tim getting mad at me for shooshing aaron. cuz he apologized. and he didnt have to apologize... well. ok he did but. not about that. i dunno. i guess overall.. im just stressed cuz i love him. so much. and i dont want this to turn into every other relationship ive had... where i think "this is it!" and then i realize it wasnt even close. i dont want to lose him. i dont want to start over. i just wish we wanted the same things.