Listening to: almost- bfs
Feeling: vain
I dont understand why i am always the one with the blame. whAt. the heck. I am just a girl looking for the right guy ok? and its not like i didnt try. its not like i didnt make exceptions. its not like i didnt try to look past things. Its not like i didnt tell him everything he could possibly know. I can only do so much... and after that theres nothing that I can do but go with the flow. And i didnt like the flow... sorry im not some girl who just says "well i dont want to be with him but we'll just see what happens" thats gay. i know what happened. And i dont think anyone is a bad person for any of it. people expect me to have empathy for them, and their situations and i do, but they need to also realize that they arent the only person going thru a hard time... and yeah, i am a little upset with mike. he doesnt know what he is talking about and yet he insists on giving advice about this. and he does it in such a clever way.. if he would just ask and listen instead of ask and explain.. sheesh. but thats not the point. I went thru this already and i dont want to do it again. it hurts me too. it hurts watching someone u care about go thru a hard time in the first place. its even harder when ur the cause. and its even harderer when they put all this pressure on u. saying its u that makes things good and without u all is bad. and u have to be without them and then u have all this guilt because now their life is horrible and its all ur fault. but what am i supposed to do? i cant do anything. I'm alllllllllllllways the bad guy, girl. and its starting to really tick me off. If andres wants to pin all his problems on me. and use me as an excuse to do whatever he is doing.. then fine. thats his thing. if he wants to go back to being adams bestest friend. ok. i thought being away from adam was a good thing, says he. but who am i to say anything about that. if he wants to go without eating and hurt himself and do nothing all day and or whatever else he is doing and not doing... good ahead. i cant think about that anymore. because its not me. its him who is making those decisions. he cants base his actions on if he is with me or not. he was fine before i came into his life. he will be fine now. cuz im not even going anywhere.. just not with him with him. and ah. people just always think i have it so easy... being the dumpee. then obviously they have never broken up with someone... and if they have.. not someone they truely cared about. everything is stupid. i just want to go back in time. to days like bretts birthday last year.. and everyone was friends with everyone. and i was bretts girl. and andres was my best friend. and even sal was a cool friend. oi. back to days when things werent so obnoxious. i know im to blame for the situation. but i cant be blamed for actions of other people and choices they make. gosh. i have been so lazy in my walk with the lord and a jerk. i argue with myself all day long over the stupidest things. i dont know what i am doing about anything. and i am afraid to do anything. wow.. weird subject change but its also bugging me. cant write anymore.. my head hurts...
im sorry
u care too much
like me in a way
again it will get better
now its just for a moment
and forever is coming
so cheer up ducky
u own the sky
and ponds
and common shoe
so yea