Tim is the devil.
"Get over it."
What?... Get over 2 years? You'd think it'd be hard... but luckily.. he's made it soo easy.
Because I'm not just over him and "it" and us.. I'm over believing in anything. I'm over emotions and love and passion and commitment. Im over it all. And I dont want it again.
But he's right about one thing.. he really is a jerk. i wish we never happened. I want those years back. There was nothing beautiful about it like i thought there was in a previous entry. Today i was in the kitchen and a nice memory of us popped in my head for some reason.. and i thought.. wow i miss that. but then i think about all the bad memories. all the crap he's put me through with his stupid brother and what a jerk he's being now.. it all outweights anything good we ever were. and i know it was the smartest decision of my life.
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now he has cancelled my phone. lol. i just realize more and more that he had NO IDEA what love was. No idea at all. BEcause he just WOULDNT be able to treat me like this is he did. i hope he figures it out someday.. until then.. God help him. seriously.
in other and more important news.. I had dinner at pdks. and i was just what i needed. overall, its the obvious answer... i just have to focus on God rightnow like always and stop getting distracted. I dont even know if i can do it at this point. but i guess try try try again is the best mind set right now. The internet isnt helping. I spend a lot of time here when I could be with God. And I expect him to answer all my questions without even being in relationship with him.
i talked to jason and it got weird. really weird. i dont knoww what to say to him because he's right.. what i want is always changing. i worry way too much. but then sometimes i think im not worrying enough.. im seeing him tomorrow and we're going to talk about it. but ultimately i dont want what we do to be up to us. Its not our decision and yeah I have a preference but I want to go down the right road, towards God. And if thats with someone.. great. if not.. i get it and i'll keep walking. as hard as that would be because i really like him. but. we'll see what happens. for now.. i'm logging off the internet and getting my head back on straight.. so i can actually make sense when i talk about what i want.
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