So Tim talked to George about the site and he said he wanted me to make it. I talked to him about it for a few minutes while we waited for Jeff to get on Left for Dead and he said he would "kick me some money" lol but I just wanted to get something in my portfolio already so i don't really care about the money. plus he's Tim's friend and we play video games all the time together so i know him somewhat already and i would feel bad/weird doing it for money. That's not until January anyways tho. like the end of January. Last night me and Timmy stayed up talking.. and whatknot.. until like 5am. I felt bad. but he started it. well i did. but then he did. i was feeling pretty miserable about the whole "family" situation. for some strange reason i can't write "mom" and "family" without quotes. strange. I have looked at this from an outside perspective and it doesn't make sense. especially considering what they know about me, it doesn't make sense how they treated me. they should be protecting me but they are the ones I need protecting from. they act like i am insane for not wanting to be controlled at 21 years old. I am 22 now but I don't live at home anymore like i did at 21. But I guarantee that if she treated Jason half as crazy as she treated me.. he would have left and unlike me, never came back...... ......I don't have time to get into this. I'd like to because it helps and I feel myself starting to thinking about it excessively and I'd rather leave it here.. but I'm going to lunch with my Timmybear today so i have to go take a shower and get ready. Today we were talking about something i said in my diary and then Brett came up because i mentioned how he is gay. and i said i should just put in every entry "Brett Richard Warren (Haloloukos.. or however you spell that, not that anyone cares) is a bastard and such and so on" so if i don't mention it its just there by default. and Tim goes "his middle name is Richard???" and I'm like "yeah, gay..." and he was like smirking. and I was like "woah, how perfect is that?" He just can't escape it, he will now and forever be, a "Dick". we turned our bed around. so now it faces the window and the tv. it makes the room feel bigger. now there's room for a small vanity in the corner. it will look nice under our picture. Tim's dad is going to Vegas to race cars or something in March and wants us to come. That should be interesting... since I have barely spoken 5 words to him and he generally makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. i guess that happens when someone refers to you as "that" but no hard feelings.. I guess this can be a clean slate, and we'll see what happens. maybe it'll be a chance to get our story across about the Aaron issue if it comes up. But i doubt it will. The building money issue is resolved though. he told Timmy we're getting at least $14,000. because its the $5 tim put down, doubled, plus the 4 Aaron owes.. so if we get $14,000 Aaron will get $6,000. We talked about that today and everyone is on the same page which is nice. because in the past it just seems like Tim's dad babies Aaron and sort of wipes his butt.. so i was thinking he'd give them both $10,000 and then give Tim the $4000 Aaron owed him. That would be stupid. And it would just be doing what my mom is doing with Jason and just saying its ok to treat us the way Aaron treated us. So its nice to know he's going to actually back us up this time.. i wish certain other people would follow the example and see that its never too late to do the right thing and get on the right less arrogant, less ridiculous path... hint hint.. but they wont. because she is just as prideful as he is. So like i was saying earlier.. a little refresher... "But I guarantee that if she treated Jason half as crazy as she treated me.. he would have left and unlike me, never came back......" Jason could never handle being singled out to the extent i have been singled out. He couldn't take all the treats of being kicked out for the most ridiculous things. she threatened to kick me out for not cleaning my room or forgetting to do the dishes.. and he was threatened like once for drinking and driving home from parties.. which i think its a valid reason. far more reasonable than for the reasons she threw at me. bitch. He would never hang around to be dictated at well past the age of 18. and after living on his own? Before i moved out of my moms house and Jason just came back from the army.. he had no rules while i have every rule. I would ask why, and my mom said its different when you leave.. he has lived outside of the house.. "he's a man"... so when i left and came back.. i expected the same thing. but instead i was treated even younger than when i previously lived there. ridiculous curfews and the excessive need to know EVERYTHING. and i would tell her even though it was none of her damn business. but she didn't appreciate it. even though i was 20 and din;t have to tell her anything she would threaten me that if i didn't talk to her i couldn't live there. i told her to just let me do my thing and i will do chores and come home at a decent hour, but stay out of my business and don't expect me to be your best friend... she should have been perfectly fine with that. all my life she has wanted to know every detail of my personal life. and i have told her. i did it. i have been told by many people that at some point i needed to put my foot down and say no, that's not how its going to be. maybe you could get away with it when i was younger and that doesn't make it right, but its not happening anymore. but i did try that, and i was told i was being disrespectful and would be threatened to be kicked out. there was no way around it. she decided she would be mad at me for something EVERY DAY! and she sent me to pastor Marty.. and he would give me advice like "walk away" if i was going to say something stupid in anger. and i would do that and she would get mad. and i would say "that's what pastor Marty said to do" and she would be like "well pastor Marty isn't here right now". but its like.. if she didn't like his advice, why did she want me to talk to him? at 20 years old, engaged... me and Tim were sitting on the couch and it was cold so we were sitting next to each other with a blanket covering our legs and listening to music on my ipod in the living room. and my mom walked in and freaked out. and called me out of the room and asked me "what i was doing".. and I'm like listening to music.. and she is like.. 'why are you under that blanket?' and I am like 'because you don't let us turn up the heater to a decent temperature (because she is cheap and poor) and I am freezing.' and she goes into this huge thing about Jay (the guy who molested me b/c it happened under blankets.) and I am like are you seriously relating that? being molested by a psycho at 10 to being this situation where its not even sexual at all and we are ENGAGED anyways... and when Jason had amy on that same couch and was laying down under a blanket with her making out before he went to the army.. so he was 18. how is that even close to the same parenting? and she doesn't GET that she favored him or was to strict with me. she wants to know why i am so angry. i am hella angry. i will always be angry when i think of her. for soooooooo many situations like the one described. and yeah, i know it doesn't seem like a big deal. and if it was one out of a few times.. it'd be one thing and i could shake it off. but its like that in every situation. there is always negativity, a double standard, her trying to control me... every single time i see her and she has the nerve to call me negative and a brat and whatever else she calls me. she made me negative and no i am not being a brat when i am hurt by my family. if crying is being a brat. if trying to get a point across is being a brat. maybe i am a brat. whats with that word anyways? its a stupid word. if it was the other way around and jason was in my shoes and i was in his... it would be so different. because i can't even see my mom saying half the things she's said to me to him. i can not see her doing those things to him and treating him with such disrespect. and i cant see myself being such a jerk to him for no reason. jason just wants to live in the past when he thinks he knows me.. i think i was a brat as a kid but i have changed a lot and i think its for the better. i do not believe he has changed for the better. not at all. i don't know what they do to you in the army but it just be something like give you a big glass of hate in the morning with breakfast. it would be different if when they ganged up on me, i had a dad to go to and talk to and confide in and to comfort me. or a sister maybe. or just a better brother. or maybe just not a psycho mom and then she could control if jason was a suck ass brother and then we wouldn't have the problem in the first place. see it always comes back to her. its like that show, i know its dumb but its also kind of funny sometimes.. celebrity rehab lol.. we watch it because of that steven guy. he's great. but he has mom issues. and they had them met with a counselor. and he would tell her he was hurt by this and that that she did to him and she would deny it and then when she found out it wasn't about pointing the finger, it was just about acknowledging his hurt.. validating his feelings.. then she would say sorry to the counselor and dr drew. she would talk to them because she doesn't care about her son. she cares what people think of her. and they kept saying... say sorry to him not us. and she just was so stupid. and i told tim "that's my mom" and he agreed. wow. Choli is being so mean today. she's so annoying! penguin was never annoying like this. he was endearing and wonderful and and precious... Choli is precious when she sleeps..and in pictures. sometimes she just attacks the air. and that's usually fine but today she was attacking Tim's neck and face. trying to. crazy cat. Do you have a boyfr​iend?​ husband Name somet​hing you did yeste​rday?​ I went to lunch with Timmy Last perso​n you texte​d?​ i don't know Do you have a chair​ in your room?​ which room? our bedroom? no. this room? yes, 2 What'​s the story​ behin​d your pictu​re?​ i liked it.. it was from when i moved back home in octoberish 2007, woah long time ago What are you doing​ tomor​row?​ christmas tree shopping and making ginger bread cookies and probably playing left for dead What color​ is your hair?​ pretty much black Do you like fire?​ sure Do you miss anyon​e?​ yes but someday my aim will improve haha. i saw that on a tshirt on some show.. stupid i know but i like it.... so true. Is your hair natur​ally curly​ or strai​ght?​ wavy What frien​d do you tell the most to? tim What'​​s somet​hing you reall​y want right​ now, be hones​t?​ money for presents : [ anddd uhm.. zours and a jones yum. Who was the last perso​n to disap​point​ you? my brother and my mother that's technically 2 but if you knew them at all you'd probably agree it counts as 1 Who was the last perso​n you had a deep conve​rsati​on with?​ tim just like 2 minutes ago Anyth​ing annoy​ing you right​ now? so much Are you waiti​ng for anyon​e to call right​ now? no Who'​​s a guy frien​d you trust​ most?​ tim who/​​what is on your mind right​ now? Choli is being OBNOXIOUS! and I want to study before bed but its late.. Do you miss how thing​s used to be? sometimes and then i realize this is the best way things have been in general because me and timmy= perfect so any other time would pale in comparison. Would​ you ever live with anyon​e on your top frien​ds?​​ i doo Is there​ someo​ne on your mind that shoul​dn'​​t be? no its wonderfullen What do you think​ of peopl​e who smoke​?​​ gross. Has anyon​e calle​d you a bitch​ befor​e?​​ uhm. only by my mom. anyone else was either behind my back or like on halo which everyone is a bitch one halo apparently... How do you vent anger​?​​ i write in my sitD. i cry. i sleep. i obsess over something.. How did you start​ your day off? when i wake up i gather our big white blanket all around me and my pillow and i walk to couch like a giant snow ball.. i like sleeping on the couch when Timmy leaves for work. Do you judge​ peopl​e you don'​​t know?​​ Why/​​Why not? not really. well i mean, its sort of impossible not to judge people in some ways without really realizing it, but i try not to do it intentionally Does anyon​e hate you? i hope so What was the last thing​ you laugh​ed at? Tim. I dunno what about Is there​ anyon​e who hates​ your relat​ionsh​ip statu​s?​​ used to but they're opinion really didn't matter Is there​ a night​ you would​ like to put on repea​t,​​ and live it forev​er?​​ uhm. sort of but if theres only 1 day out of a lifetime like that.. i don't think i've had mine yet.. Is there​ someo​ne you'​​d like to fix thing​s with?​​ tried. failed. don't care. moving on. What kind of mood are you in? EF yo' couch!! Do you think​ you can last in a relat​ionsh​ip for 5 month​s?​​ have and always will Has a lot happened to you this year? I'd say so.. Do you say sorry​ first​? if i know i am wrong i will say i am sorry. &Timmy is really great at saying sorry first but i am quick to follow. Who was the last perso​n you cried​ in front​ of? Timmy Are you mad about​ anyth​ing?​​ yes very Do you drink​ soda?​​ just did. Can you sleep​ in jeans​?​​ NO! absolutely not its the worst ever. No JEANS IN BED!! that's the rule.. one of my favorites : }