its finally over. Finally.

My divorce is final. A huge weight off my shoulders. It turned really ugly and I don’t even know why. Well I do... he just kept making one bad decision after the other. It just makes me sad that he had to go out of his way to make me the enemy in all this. If he would have just stuck to what we agreed to, it would have saved BOTH of us so much time and him SO much more money. We initially agreed to split the condo 50/50, 50/50 pension and 401k, and support until he sold the condo at literally UNDER 3 times what he now has to pay. I begged him to just give me half the pension before all of this. because i was running out of money and needed it and he said ok ok but then months went by. I asked about selling the condo but he said we would make so much more if we waited so i said ok i trust you and we waited. but i needed something and he kept getting weird about the 401 k because he said he didn’t want to be taxed. too bad. You get taxed. Its not my fault. But at the time I sympathized and agreed he should figure out the best way but please hurry. And I offered to try to figure it out myself on ways around it but he kept saying he was going to handle it. Ok. So i waited. but nothing. I begged him to just do this without lawyers and the court but he wouldn’t. And during the whole process he told the court that i was opening it back up just to screw with his relationship and because I was upset he had a baby. No. I didn’t do anything to screw with his relationship.

In fact they should be thanking me for keeping them together. Because in June 2016 she broke up with him and told me he wanted to be with me again and I flew out there and he tried having sex with me and I am the one who stopped it and said no. because I was thinking of THEIR relationship. I put her over me. And of course i didn’t want to be a rebound and felt I would have been. I could have just did it. Its not like I didn’t have residual feelings for him at the time, we were still good friends back then… also curiosity. But I was ovulating. So I might have gotten pregnant. What then? I saved their relationship despite the fact that I wanted a baby and there have been many times that I’ve felt I didn’t even care how I got a baby, I just wanted one that badly. Luckily I never did anything stupid while having those thoughts but having sex with him would have been. In hindsight. At the time having a baby with him didn’t seem so bad.

But yes, it did upset me when I found out he had a baby with her. I didn’t understand why at first but he of all people should understand. Because it was very soon after that happened and because in our marriage we weren’t able to. I can’t put into words what a failure I felt like in our marriage because o that. I spent a lot of my time researching solutions so that we could. More than he knows. And he knows I spent a lot of time on that but not as much as I actually did. And it was depressing. I was obsessed. Trying to find a way to fix that problem so we could be happy. Yes maybe I sabotaged our relationship eventually, I did. Not on purpose.. I was very confused and continued to be confused about pretty much everything for a long time. But if he would have put himself in my place for a minute it was a really hard place to be.

He doesn’t know how happy I am for him that he has a baby now. Because I wanted to give him that for a long time, not just for us but for him. I wanted him to be a dad and now he is and its okay that it has nothing to do with me. Yes I’m sad for me. I want a baby. And yes, I have autism and sometimes hearing unexpected information triggers a million things and it all comes bursting out and I have no idea what I will say or do. And I sent him a bunch of angry messages when I found out. I think because of how I found out. I think after everything we had been through, I just expected him to be the one to tell me. We hadn’t entered into the ugliness of the divorce yet. We were still on okay terms around that time. His girlfriend was a jerk but I get it. It’s hard not to feel threatened and I imagine having a baby just heightens that in a woman. But idk, she just seems entitled and just generally not very nice at all. Either way I’m glad he’s happy. He is a good husband and I know he is be a good father.

I was a good wife. We weren’t perfect. But we both tried our best for who we are and what we were dealing with. I don’t think he agrees. He used to though. Even past our separation he said I was a good wife and person and deserve nothing less than 50/50. I don’t understand what happened to change that. Loyalty to his girlfriend I guess but it sucks because it makes it seem like I did something really horrible. They said the reason he filed for divorce is because I cheated on him but that isn’t true.

I have had to forgive him for a lot despite the fact that he seems to think everything is my fault. Including all the slanderous things he said about me in his declarations to the court. He even said our marriage had “domestic violence”. He didn’t elaborate, just it had it. He didn’t say from who or how. Because it would be a lie. We never touched each other like that and if there ever was it was the one time he grabbed my wrist when I turned away from him in bed during an argument and I started crying because, it wasn’t even bad but it was unexpected. And he immediately felt horrible and we stopped arguing and he held me and everything was ok. I thought maybe he was talking about during meltdowns but he said it was only a couple times that I would “hit” during a meltdown. Mostly I would hit myself but there were a couple times I would push/hit during and he said it wasn’t hard at all and he would just grab my hands and lower them to my sides and I would stop. It only happened a couple times. It wasn’t intentional or out of anger and those meltdowns weren’t even caused by him. It just hurts that he would say that and make me sound like a violent person. He had a laundry list of horrible things to say about me that were either blatant lies or distortions of the truth that they might as well have been lies. It just sucks.

His mistakes don’t make him a bad husband and mine didn’t make me a bad wife. Now more than ever I know marriage is so much more and what we had was really special at one point. And I know he’s angry and hates me. But I don’t hate him. Even though all last year I cursed his name for saying such horrible things about me and I said I hated him a million times. Now that this is all over, I realize something. Maybe there is a silver lining. Maybe we are so angry and hurt because what we had was so strong and good. If it wasn’t none of this would matter. And maybe it is all about money for him. fine. Then I’m wrong and I don’t get life. But for me, I don’t really care if someone says something bad about me unless I care about the person. The more it hurts the more I care. And even if I don’t feel the same for him now, all the feelings I had since we met don’t just evaporate. The fact that I am or was so hurt by the things he said and everything that took place proves that what we had was real. And it sucks that something beautiful, even if you just count our friendship alone, just ended up being about money. It wasn’t personal. It wasn’t even all me. I just did what I was told. I did what I felt was best for me. I agreed to what I felt was fair. I never wanted lawyers in the first place. I never wanted to take him for all he had and didn’t. I know he will be well off and glad for that. He has a great job, a good work ethic, a degree, a supportive family, a capable girlfriend, etc. He is going to be so much better than just okay. I just didn’t want to end up in another women’s shelter like in 2017. That’s all.

Money changes a person. And there’s nothing uglier than greed. I don’t hate him for wanting to give his new family the best. But he had a responsibility to his old family. Me. I was angry to have to fight to get him to follow through on a promise he made in our old apartment. Laying on the floor in the computer room crying because we talked about divorce and I was scared because I didn’t see another option.. and I said I would be alone and I don’t know what will happen to me. And he was holding me and said no matter what that he would take care of me. I told him things will change and he won’t care eventually. But he said he will take care of me until I die. I didn’t want him to have to and I always believed everything he said because I trusted him but I knew he was lying to himself when he said that. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself. And I was basically right. I’m pretty awesome much of the time but I do have autism and my limitations are so much more than they ever have been. He doesn’t get it. Trying to get the court to implement a work order while I’m in the middle of filing for disability.. they denied it. But still.

Uhg. My disability case. I don’t even want to think about it. I haven’t done so much that I need to do. Where to start.. who to help… its too much. Isn’t that WHY I am applying.. because doing all this stuff is basically like having a job and I haven’t been able to do that so what makes them think I could do everything I need to to accomplish this? Who do I have to help me. I ask people. The thing about people.. they all say they want to help. Everyone LOVES saying how much they want to help.. but when it comes to doing anything everyone is too something. Too busy or too unable or too much of a liar.

Anyways I just wanted to just be over and done with it before we even got divorced in Nov 2016. I had to open it uo again because he wouldn’t follow through on his agreement. and now after going through this process, i know he never intended to. a very very very reasonable FAIR deal we originally had. and instead he wasted thousands of dollars on legal fees and lawyers to avoid just paying ME what we agreed to. for what? He disparaged my character for no reason. Saying I had a pattern of moving in with "various" boyfriends. I have had 2 boyfriends in 4 years. 2. and they both turned long term because i don’t sleep around or just date to date and i don’t move forward unless i think its going somewhere. both of those boyfriends didn’t and don’t support me. i used my food card to buy my own groceries. there was 2 or 3 months when max had paid most or all of our rent at $600/mo. That was the extent of his support.

I get so angry when I think about it because Tim was my friend. My best friend. And I miss him. I dont want to be best friends again but it makes me sad that he really thinks all of those things about me. He really hates me. And thinks I wanted all this. I dont / didnt want to ruin his relationship. I just needed to think of this from an outside perspective and not with emotions. I could have taken him at his word and gotten nowhere. I never thought alimony would be as much as it is but it makes sense. we live in california and he has a great job. a job i helped in him getting. I didnt ask for it to be that high. Thats what the court decided and he blames me. It was excruciating sitting in court hearing over and over "shes asking for..." I didnt ask for it. I did what the court said. i did what HE said and did the appeal. I asked him several times if he was sure and he said "yes i want to know what the court says". I said they would make him pay a lot more than what I was asking. He said he thought that they wouldnt make him pay anything and that he shouldtn be paying even what he was currently. Then he just stopped paying anything because he said his girlfriend was angry about supporting me and if he paid me another monht she said she would leave him. but he said he wouldnt just cut me off cold turkey. he said he would give me what was a little over half for 5 more months. he also paid my phone bill and car insurance. i did take that into account. I just couldnt afford to live on that. and my life was so all over. i was in wisconsin and i couldnt afford to move back to california on that much, especially knowing it was about to stop. and i couldnt stay in wisconsin alone. i tried going to missouri but i ddnt like ti there. thats all part of geting on your feet. figuring out whats next and where you belong. i was trying my best.

I just wish we had ended on at least civil terms. it was so bad. i coluldnt even recognize him. I already talked about it. The mediation was bad. I had a minor meltdown. Its embarrassing. I wish i was stronger but this stuff is hard for anyone.

I dont even know why i care. I let some people read his declaration where he is basically just going off on a complete character assassination for no reason. unprovoked, unnecessary. And they said they would hate him and not give a shit what happened to him. How can people be so removed. It doesnt make me feel good to think of tim or his family struggling. But i know theyre okay. I know how much he makes and i know they'll be ok. but i put a lot into the marriage too. and I know what i was worth in it. I was really insecure about myself during our separation and like most women, felt guilty for leaving, but unlike most women... i got a clear head and didnt walk away with nothing afterall. If he cared he would be happy I have something now to take and build something for myself too. Like he has done. I wish him and his famil the best. including his girlfriend and they should be happy now that it is over so they can get married. I didnt understand why he was being so defiant against the court orders when they ordered him to pay alimony. We had to garnish his wages because he just wouldnt do anything we asked. We decided to sell the condo and we picked 3 realtors and he was supposed to pick one of the 3 and of course he didnt. and im sure they gave him some sort of deal or kickback. maybe not but how would i ever know? I dont. Just, anything we asked, he made diffciult. all while telling everyone that Im the one who was prolonging it. By not accepting his insulting offers? we eventually came to a settlement which was very similar to what i was asking for months ago that his 1st lawyer denied. they were being so unreasonable. but this new lawyer probably told him the truth for once and actually cared about his situation and not making a quick buck like that god awful woman. uhg she was evil. my lawyer said she was the most unprofessional lawyer he's ever worked with and that they made some of the worse and costly decisions. Like seriously, if they would have just agreed to our offer months ago it was the same and would have saved us so much time. or even the offer last year. geez its been a year.

It was my boyfriends birthday on mothers day. All his kids, even his oldest Elle, gave me a card and flowers. They didn’t even get him a mothers day card. I used to get my mom fathers day cards and last year im pretty sure they got him a mothers day card. But I had them all sign a thank you card for him for mothers day. As well as a birthday card. But they all asked why. Because I guess I fill that role now. Which is awesome that they would think that way :) But I knew it would mean a lot to him to have a card too. I also made him bacon flowers. And for his birthday I made him homemade Almond Roca and a pokemon cake (I HATE pokemon but he plays it for the kids.. sometimes he gets carried away but I thought it would be cute).. notice its all food stuff. its all i can afford. cant even afford. i used my food card. Since I still haven’t received even 1 check. They said it came out April 5th. Its over a month now. I thought maybe they were being sent to my aunts house or my lawyer but no, my lawyer said they’re being sent to my moms. But I haven’t gotten anything. If I’m not there she sends me pictures of the mail I get.

Caleb kept saying its up to us what we do because its his dads bday but its my mothers day and he made me a “mom” hat… which was a Santa hat that said “the mom hat” lol. They all slept in that morning and I got up and set up birthday stuff. Elle and I shopped for a few cheap things the day before that he could mostly use for work. It wasn’t much but he was happy. And I was happy to spend the time with her. We don’t hang out just the 2 of us very often.. or ever. But it was nice. She had to work but after presents we had breakfast at her work. She works at a breakfast place. Then we went to the beach. We surfed. Rob lost hold of his board and it hit me in the face. :( it really hurt. I have a tiny scratch which is crazy because I thought I broke my nose and he said when he first looked at it after that it was really back and blue.. but after like 30 minutes it wasn’t even red. I don’t get it. But I’m glad because that would suck. After that we tried to find a hot spring we heard of. But we ended up finding this weird place called ecotopia and it was creepy and we didn't care to explore it. We were planning to go out to dinner but we ordered in instead and watched Deadpool 2. Which I love but it is a little much for Caleb.. but Rob wanted to and it was his birthday so they stayed up late and watched it while I secretly decorated his cake in the kitchen. It came out pretty good for not knowing what the heck I was doing.

There are just a lot of things I would do different. And he listens to me eventually.. like.. after his way failed over and over. And after seeing that my way actually isnt as bad as he thinks it will be. Like, discipline. It took a while but hes starting to see that kids crave discipline and structure. He was afraid to say no and do anyting to hurt them in any way because he says they have had it bad enough with their mom leaving. Yes. thats true. But its doing them a disservice to coddle them and give in to everything. Around Christmas last year was really bad. He would get so angry because they would be so disrespectful and ungrateful but he wasnt punishing their behavior but constnly rewarding it by giving in. As soon as that stopped.. they realized that bad behavior means loss of whatever they were wanting. and it took a while because at first they just freaked out more.. because they learned that freaking out = getting what they want from exhausted dad. They know things have changed since I've been here and why they are having to be more responsible for their actions... but they dont hate me for it. Actually.. when I've had to say no for bad behavior, very soon after they are even more affectionate than before. They know its in love. I just wish he wouldnt wait for some of his ways to not work out so much before listening or attempting my way. Its gotten a lot better but its not perfection and sometimes i feel like we are back sliding in that area.. i do see the effort though. For a while he was going from one extreme to the other. Its been hard to get to a nice balance when it comes to discipline but its getting there. I just keep tellng myself it doesnt matter what he does. I just need to be consistent. thats all. I never yell at the kids. If I am angry with one of them i tell rob and ask him what to do. and that in itself gives me time to recalibrate and i cant figure it out on my own usually. but when he gets upset... he's usually one extreme or the other still. And alll the kids complain when he's a push over with the others or too hard on them. It is hard because theyre older. the girls have to chime in at bad times. They say he needs to be more firm with the boys but when he does they undermine him. So I know its not easy. But I try to support him when that happens even if I dont agree exxactly with how he is handling something.. just to show the girls that it isnt the time or place to tell him he is wrong. let him do whatever he is going to do and let the boys listen. and then tell him after when the boys arent around. otherwise theyre just fueling the fire they are begging him to put out. I don’t judge him for why things are so chaotic. He went through a similar experience with his ex wife that I did with Max. It messes with you. Its hard to get things back on track. And sometimes he surprises me. And he says something so perfect that i wouldnt have thought of.

I don't feel good today. I might be starting my period soon. I dont know what it is. Everything hurts. Lots of meltdowns lately so I know theres that but its more than that. My head is swimmy. my thoughts are so scattered. Its hard to focus. I never write in this anymore but i think thats why i felt the need to. Get it all out. This doesnt even skim the surface but its a start.

I need to brush kodi. He has such a sensitive belly. He got some chicken. Just regular cooked chicken. And has the runs. Which is weird because when he was young and he had a belly ache i would cook him this rice/ground chicken/yam mash that the vet recommended.

I need to look for a house. I don't want to rent. I cant afford it anyways. But I need my own place to call mine. Rob wants me to move in his place. I dont live here. I stay a lot but I dont even have a dresser here. He says he wants me to have a dresser and all that. He already calls it our bed and our room. And our house. I just need my own right now. Maybe because of the divorce. Maybe because I've never really lived on my own. even if i do decide to move in with him.. i want to buy so i have something of my own to fall back on. and real estate is complicated but it can be a good investment sometimes. so. why not.

I'm just worried about picking the wrong one. I will never purchase a condo again. Not to live in. Maybe exclusively for renting out.

I also need to get a new car. I got in an accident a few weeks ago. It still drives but the whole bumper fell off. The frame might be damaged but not sure. The guy I hit said he wouldnt report it because his car was barely more than a small dent and he said someome did hima. favor earlier that year and he would pay it forward. he is my angel. I had no insurance or registration and as far as he knew my car was totalled. it looked like it when he drove off. i was able to drive it a block away and the next day i banged out the part that was rubbing against the tire. But it sounds funny. and everything creaks. have to go slow because the part i banged out isnt that far so it still hits the tire over bumps. Its just... so done. And it makes me sad. I'm attched to that car. We've been through a lot.

I want something bigger though. not huge but something where Kodi can be in the bback and not in a back seat. Sometimes he does great in the car but sometimes, like the day i got in a crash, he wants to be on my lap. Its dangerous. its not why I crashed. But Ive almost crashed a few times because of it.

idk what to do with myself. im struggling. a lot. understatement. writing helps i guess.

There was a duck in the pool.

I dont feel good at all