Wow. its been a while. But so much is going on. Not really but my mind and body can't handle it. I go to work. come home. sleep. I would love to work on all my side projects consistently but I'm lucky if I get in an hour for any of them. I'd say on a scale of 1-10 for how crappy/exhausted/overwhlemed i've been feeling i was at an 8 or 9. now i would say a 6 to 8 but at the same time i think i am just getting used to it. i would schedule another doctors appointment but 1. they never know whats up. 2. i cant take any time off work right now... theres some stuff going on. ridiculous stuff.

it makes my mind want to explode from exhaustion just thinking about it so I am not going to go into detail. but basically to start... work has been hard enough without the ridiculousness of Friday. not only adjusting back to a regular schedule but to a completely new working environment that makes my Asperger's symptoms monumentally clearer. The bright lights and constant noise and movement and people on top of customer services and a jerky co worker i have to share a cubicle with. That was enough. but it wasn't a deal breaker. I wasn't considering quitting, i just knew it would take a while to get used to and to learn how to cope with those things that made me crazy. But then on Friday, I realized... maybe i'm just not cut out for this. this job, any job. idk. I was coming in 9-6. At the beginning I would work 9-6 and take a 30 minute lunch or no lunch. Jeremy started telling me to take 1 hour lunches. So i did. I started talking more and more to my co worker James. He's the only person at this job I talk to. And I learned his schedule. 8-4 with an hour lunch since I started. Well. that's 8 hours. so why was i working 9-6 with an hour lunch? that's 9 hours. I started coming in around 9:15-9:30. still working 8.5 hours. .5 hours more than james who is doing the same exact job i am. So i started coming in 915-9:30 all week. Friday I come in and Dierre (who works right next to me) sends me an email saying that I am coming in late and that i need to come in at 9 or change my schedule to 9:30-6:30. i decided to talk to tim about it first. he agreed dierre is an asshole. anyways, so i get back from lunch and i decide to talk to james abut about it. james says to ignore dierre and talk to jeremy about it. he said dierre is just our co worker, jeremy is our boss. so i started writing jeremy an email because i am better on paper. and behind me jeremy is walking by dierres desk and dierre stops him and says "so when do you wanna meet?" and jeremy is like "how about 2:30" and I get a strange feeling its a meeting about me. so i tell james and james is skeptical but i finishmy email early and send it anyways so he reads it before thier meeting. he answers confirming that yes, the meeting is indeed about me. seriously? don't confront me about it all week... tell me once in a freaking email and schedule a meeting that day? I wasnt even given the chance to correct it. So they have their meeting and jeremy emails me saying that he will tell me on monday what they come up with they ahve to sort things out or something. and i tell james and james is like what? sort what out? and I'm like idk. Then james leaves and later dierre leaves early. and I'm alone and jeremy is there and he asks me to have a meeting with him. and he brings up ALL the things I've done even remotely wrong since I started. (100% brought up by Dierre because james isnt a jerk and jeremy isnt around to know anything). none of this was EVER brought to my attention. not once. And now I am being told, like this? After they've already had a meeting about me. like i was a child? No. If this was james... they would give him the respect and talk to him first. not involve another co worker in his business. this wouldn't happen for anyone. I am just going to wrap this up because there is a lot that happened but i need to go to sleep and this is making me angry just thinking about it but. basically they are sexist. all the women are in people person roles and the men are in technical roles. i mean some men are in the people person roles. but i dont think i've seen ANY girls in a very technical role. and i think they are discriminating based on that. no one likes the unfamiliar and i have so much unfamiliarity wrapped all around me. i am a hispanic girl with an interest in technical crap and they're all set in their cookie cutter ways. and dierre is a jerk. and this job was hard enough just getting used to all that sensory stuff without a jerk setting me up for failure. without someone so malicious working right next to me.

I've read about how this happens to people with AS all the time. its like dogs. dogs can smell fear. well people can sense aspergers and know they can take advantage. they know there is something vulnerable and weak.

that started to not make sense at the end because my head hurts.

other than that.... we are finishing up the bathroom finally.

i enrolled in a class at smcc. the others were full boo. but i think 1 is all i could handle right now anyways. so its ok. i might try to get into this other one tho. it shouldn't be too hard. its an introductory course, a prerequisite i need for some of the other classes i want next semester.

im going to be looking around for another job starting tomorrow. i wont quit. but i wont be too disappointed if they fire me. i dont like it there. and dierre is making sure of it.