Do they think this is a game? i called my grandma and asked if the package had gotten lost in the mail.... she said she hadn't even sent it yet. i said that its a good thing I'm not having a wedding then or it'd be just a little ridiculous putting something as important as the bridesmaid dresses on hold for so freaking long. and then she's like "why aren't you having the wedding?" and I'm like... "what? are you kidding?? why would there be? no one appreciates it and everyone has their little ultimatums" and she said "so theres really not going to be a wedding?" and i was like.. "no... besides... why do you even care? you're not even invited and that was your choice. I really don't think people who aren't coming should have an opinion... anyways thanks.. bye". and now she's probably having a fit to my mom about my hanging up on her. which i didn't. its not hanging up if u say bye. but they hung up on me all week last week.. like 50 times. and thats JUST last week. they're such hypocrites. my mom sent me an email. what the hell is her problem? she can't walk in and out of my life when she feels like it. she thinks my dad is bad... at least he knows he'll be a douche bag and stays out of my life and doesn't make me feel guilty for not wanting him to be a part of it anymore. he had his chance, he blew it and now he respectfully stays away. but she has chance after chance, blowing it worse each time and STILL things she just DESERVES to be in my life.. because she's my mom. like that label means something. she's said before that my dad doesn't deserve to be a part of my life. why? for walking away? he never abused me. he spanked me too hard once and he gave me milk when i was lactose intolerant and i threw up... and thats about it. but i could go on forever listing the things she has done. and yet she still deserves chance after chance. if he did what she has done, then everyone would be saying the same thing.. he doesn't deserve to be in my life. but what is it about mothers? they just know how to manipulate and turn the situation onto the kid. when most of the time its not. I honestly don't think i have adhd. maybe i do, but i think my major problem started at a young age, and it was because she didn't handle anything right. everything is a double standard. jason can smoke the hookah while there's an impressionable pot smoker in the house... but i can't live with my bf because I must be having sex. other way around... never would have happened... jason living with his gf... of course he isn't having sex, he's jason. with open condom boxes on his bedroom floor and everything.. lol. idiots. yes, it must be for a school project.. maybe he is starting a career making balloon animals... i think condoms cost more than balloons tho so that doesn't really make sense does it? her whole email was a joke. acting all passive and like.. just like nothing was wrong... how do you block people from sending you email? and she has the nerve to put a guilt trip in there while she's at it.. "mark turned down 2 paying jobs to do this for u"... ok well I'll be sure to tell him your sorry since it was YOUR fault bitch. blah blah blah i cussed... idc. get over it. Elaine said it best. i feel cheated. like someone just keeps poking and poking and i do nothing but its building up... and eventually ANYONE would just freak out, and thats when the poker turns into a pointer and gets everyone else to see what a freak i am.. but they didn't see the poking. no one EVER sees the poking. its not fair. at least she understood that. when she said that i told her its like when i was little and jason would hit me or call me something and i would tell my mom and he would be behind her laughing and she would turn around and he would be like "what?" all innocent... and he got away with everything. and i just had to take it. and i had to take being called a brat. ANYONE would be a brat when they have to live with jason doing that all the time and a mother who never listened.. and i was always considered a liar and he was the golden boy. i want to puke. i could care less about sibling rivalry... looking better isn't what i am after. i just want to be treated the same. with the same amount of respect maybe not even right now.. but the same amount he got as his age would be enough. they both think they can do whatever they want to people when they want to. i wish i was like that, but then i thank God I'm not.. I'm glad i have my limits. I'm glad I'm not a monster. i think i am going to write a book about parenting. you don't have to be an expert. everyone was a kid and had parents. most people had parents. theres all these books about good parenting out there that say if you do it this way, then they come out this way... but what if you don't do it that way? what then? what happens when you do everything wrong... what a bad parent looks like and how to call one out when no one else will. how to deal with a controlling mother. how to get help if you are a controlling parent. how to get help when no one will listen (I'll get to that when i figure it out for myself, and no church is not the answer!!!! churches love mothers) yeah, sounds like a plan. i think I'm depressed again. i slept for 9-10 hours and then i laid in bed for an hour or 2. i have no energy ever. my eyes are heavy and i want to hit things. I'm lazy. i just want to sleep. i just want to numb my mind. oh yeah, i talked to Jason a few days ago. or sooner i forget the day. i said hi first. i don't know why i did but I'm glad i did.. idk why but it helped. maybe it didn't fix everything, it wasn't even about that.. it was barely 5-10 minutes long.. it was a quick hi how are you sort of whatever, heh sort of like that conversation is to most conversations as our whatever we were is to normal relationships... but it helped for some reason. i don't anticipate contacting him again. for now and hopefully always, i have no weird feelings or thoughts concerning that area of my mind. like I'm not really linking him to my feelings of being disappointed about losing my virginity. still upset over that. can't explain it i guess. o well.