so much to write about. i have been going crazy. i think it was only a day or 2 but sit d wasn't working and i didn't know what to do. i don't know who to trust anymore. the night i kept calling my mom, she was with Elaine.... and within days if that, Elaine calls me and wants to go to dinner. sure maybe she genuinely cares... but why all chummy with my mom now? of all times... and then to not tell me that she was with her that night. to act like she was hearing everything for the first time when she already knew things. maybe not everything but enough to say something instead of making me look like an idiot thinking she was there to idk... doesn't matter... because its off. again and for the last time. something that is supposed to bring happiness and joy and excitement has only ever brought problems. and its okay, because not having a wedding is a lot easier to get over than having to spend hours and days and weeks planning one with my mother. it wasn't a matter of could i have done it... i could have. everything was a phone call away and others were done, but it was coming between me and tim.. and my mom was using it, is still using it to get between me and... everyone. i was going to say family but its not just family. she feels strongest when she brings me down. thats how its always been and how she likes it, and i finally decided over the past couple years to walk away, and now recently i didn't just walk away, i call her out... and she hides. because she knows i am right. I'm sick to my stomach thinking about everything she's done to me, said to me, let people think of me... but i keep coming back. and she never takes the opportunity to be different. she's always saying she is, she's always saying she's changing and she's different but she's always worse than before. after everything, things she can't even remember but i do. things she doesn't even realize, but they effect me. things i would never do to anyone especially not my daughter. and to let jason get away with being arrogant and violent... but me, who has only ever just wanted someone to listen to me... she continually shuts me up and forces me to feel guilty for things i am not guilty of. punishing me for being a "brat" when i was a kid. but she never wanted to look at the root of the problem. she always just wanted to take the easy way out, call me difficult. uncontrollable. i let her be there when me and tim got married. i didn't want her there. she was the last person i wanted there, but i did it. to show people, to show her, i was trying. earlier this year when we were planning the wedding for may, my grandma didn't want to be a part of it, because it would be disrespecting my mom or something ridiculous. so i made it right and asked her if that happened again, would you come this time? and she said yes she would. but her word is garbage. because thats exactly what ended up happening. we couldn't have the wedding in may. i got on speaking terms with my mom again and invited her to be there when we got married. we started planning for the wedding in october... and then everything went downhill. and my grandma was supporting me... she couldn't even last a week before going back on her word. she said she couldn't come if my mom didn't come. I am so sick of people breaking promises. saying things they don't mean. i am so sick of people being afraid to hurt my feelings but hurting them 100 times worse because they didn't have the balls enough to tell me the truth. seeing it happen and calling them out beforehand and being reassured it would be different.... maybe that's why i cant get myself to write vannessa back. i want to. i haven't been able to for a while, things were really crazy for a while, first i was overwhelmed planning, thinking we were having a wedding, up until a couple days ago... and then trying to figure out if we should or not, but tonight... i have time but idk.. can't explain it. just feel like every relationship is a dead end. why try? stupid. but its how i feel. no one cares anyway. everyone wants to keep pointing the finger at me. saying i am this and that. "everyone" being my mom... so many times i've felt guilty for walking away from my family. closing them out. but why? no one has ever tried to stop me? no one has even flinched. they can come and go as they please... and blame everyone else for why our family is so torn apart. it doesn't make sense. the whole thing with jason. me and tim were just talking about it in the car the other day... how... it was so out of nowhere... that thing with cambria which really started out as a thing with tim.... was years ago. and it was over. jason was over it. we were thinking about when we were all making those gingerbread houses at Christmas... and some other things i cant remember but that whole time.. it was fine.. things were getting better. people were moving on. and then the whole money stealing things started happening. family interventions against me. fights with jason charging at me and bruising my arm that no one wants to acknowledge... THAT is when the whole cambria thing became an issue again. NOT because it had been the whole time.. because he NEEDED SOMETHING to defend himself... "yeah i hit you but... you said bad things about my gf 2 years ago".... what is that? how many bf's has he bad mouthed? and to their face on occasion. he is a hypocrite and just ridiculous. its when your mad at someone but some time has gone by since you've seen them or you just have a routine with this person, so when you do see them... you stick to the normal routine and they thing everything is fine... but then an instant later you realize... crap.. I'm mad at you... but you cant just wipe off your smile and be mad at them... at that point, its like... get over it. maybe its not exactly like that, but kinda. its just so ridiculous. he can't act like something is fine for months and then have it be a huge thing later.. I should be the one still angry at him. for violently attacking me and scaring me. THAT was the last incident that happened between us. I'm so over caring. they just want to push me out and condemn me for walking away. fine. if they want me out, I'm gone... but i wont feel sorry about it. I'm sick of everyone in this family. just when Corina is getting some common sense, Alisha is losing it. someone needs to freaking discipline these kids... they are begging for it and yet they push it away when its there. I'm not dealing with it anymore.. because i guess i have become the enemy. but someone has to. not that anyone will. can't wait to be an aunt. wonder who's it'll be. i should buy a baby shower gift now, just to be prepared... I'll leave the card blank and write in the appropriate name when the time comes. anyways... you know what pisses me off about the dinner with elaine.. 2 things. 1... that she had to hear it from my mom, repeatedly... that me and tim didn't have sex before marriage. because "i didn't think you could live with someone and not have sex" why? because you couldn't? there are people out there that can and have. maybe not a lot.. but she should have had a little more faith in me. but i guess its not surprising. it took telling my mom about jason to get her to shut up about me and tim. she never believed me either so why should elaine? and 2... she should know me enough to know what a shit decision it was to have sex with jason and that i regret it every day since. and probably everyday forever.. and she should know enough about me to know that it effected me so much that i have nightmares because of it. and how stupid it was. and that i will never get over it and i will never forgive myself. and yet. she asked me how me and tim broke up and got back together... and i was explaining... and i was at the part where he went and kissed stephanie. in no way comparing it to having sex with jason. just answering her question... and she kept interrupting me, leaning it and saying "own it"... i wanted to leave. i tried to explain what i was saying and that she got the whole thing wrong... i was just answering... but i don't think she got it. i decided i didn't need her to listen and she can think whatever she wants, i know what happened and thats all that matters. and just continued with the story. and some good came from the rest of the conversation about my mom. either she is one of the only people who gets it.. or she is a really great liar. I'd like to believe the first one, but i think I've earned the right to be a little cynical. and like it or not, after a few more phone calls or face time naive jeni will believe anything she hears. that's just how i am. not the most attractive quality. anyways. tim's mom and denis are still coming out. it'll be nice to see a real mom in action for a while. i really admire her and i am not just saying that because i know my mom reads this.. i mean its an added bonus... but she never judges timmy. she is ALWAYS supportive. she treats him like an adult. she gives him her opinion if he asks for it but she leaves it at that. just an opinion. without the guilt trip. she sees tim as a man and doesn't get defensive about it. that's what i feel it is with my mom. she doesn't see me as a separate person. she sees me as like a limb. she is in control. idk its something stupid like that.. idk exactly but i have a lot of theories.. the whole jealousy thing.. of me and tim and having someone... but i think its more than that. i think she is jealous of our success. not mine but us.. owning our home and being financially stable.. when she is struggling. well she burnt that bridge. i felt for her. i cried for her when she didn't know about it. thinking about her when jason leaves and being alone. and about her finances. and i wanted to help... so i tried... we went over more. we cooked dinner for them. even jason who was still mad over bs and didn't even eat it. i gave her money and she pretty much slapped me in the face for it. a while ago she paid my car insurance for some months.. it was like $150 i think. a while after, she told me to write it off.. like forget about it. so a few months ago i heard about her financial problems and i told her i wanted to put some money in her bank account. i only had 200 left. and it pisses me off... she has been calling me entitled. as we plan my wedding the day EVERYONE has been telling me is the one day EVERYONE gets to be entitled.. the one day everyone gets what they want. Elaine even said selfish. pdk said its about us. but it wasn't her wedding day when she responded by saying that i was finally paying her back. and still owed. the money she said she took off the table years ago. i wanted to slap her but i put did it anyways. i put like 150. i gave her what she wanted.. time, attention, and i was starting to actually like doing it. i mean, EVERY single time, no exaggeration.. no joke... she said something stupid, called me something stupid, was condescending, was this and that.... but it was almost tolerable.. little by little it was building up and i would have broken eventually but the wedding sped up the process 100 times. (that whole thing probably wont make sense to anyone) but. i needed that. anyways. enough with the nonsense.. we're a little sad about not having a wedding. a wedding is a huge milestone. a once in a lifetime event that you remember forever. but we know its better this way... I'd rather think about the memories of planning later and be happy we didn't... then look back and regret we did... besides... with all the money we'll be saving... we decided to get a new hobby... buy a puppy or kitten... go places. do things. meet new people. make new friends. yesterday i got a really cute sweater vest. 2 actually. blue with white edges its so cute. and a green argyle one. and a white polka dot shirt for unders. tomorrow we're going to the animal shelter. and get pumpkins :] roasted pumpkin seeds are delicious. i think... haven't had them in a while.