leave it to my mother to say something which a biased person would think "hmm, thats nice" but in reality its just like.. a slap in my overly slapped by now face... example, the latest... she invited us to have thanksgiving with her Jason and Cambria... well gee thanks mom, but you forgot one minor detail... no.. haha. how about no because Jason is a noob who can't get over 1 freaking thing that happened over 2 years ago and wasn't even a big deal because i didn't even mean what i said, i was just trying to get back at HIM for the numerous things he's done to me. the numerous things that I have shared with my mother and been told that brothers will be brothers... you know what i hate? phrases like that... brothers will be brothers.. boys will be boys... MURDERERS will be MURDERERS.. but it doesn't make it ok? or does it? because sometimes a murder just has to do what a murderer has to do.. its hard to type murderer over and over... it loses its meaning.. i think its the er... anyways... it just pisses me off. no one wants to talk about the problem.. they just want to ignore it and sweep it under the rug and Jason wants to give me the run around about how he really feels and uhm sorry but i don't feel like playing guessing games every time i see the jerk.. either get over it or don't. but if not, i don't want to be around him because he is being a HUGE baby. how many times have i wadded up my feelings into a ball and threw them out the window just so things could be normal again? and he can't get over a little thing when I've put up with countless big and little things my whole life from this ass face. and my mom randomly says "lets put it all behind us for one day so we can feel like a family blah blah blah" no... feeling like a family would be not lying or making up his freaking mind.. its like he wakes up in the morning and flips a coin.. head he's mad at me, tails he's not. and I'm quite sick of it, thanks. the only way to solve this, the only way I've ever said it could be solved.. is for HIM to get over it or talk about it. but I'm not going to go beg him to talk to me.. it has to be his thing. if he doesn't want to talk I'm not going to force him... its all in his hands and for some reason my mom can't deal with him so she manipulates me.. and belittles my feelings and says to get over things i shouldn't just get over and avoid confrontation when it involves Jason because she NEVER wants to be against him. and I'm done hiding how i feel just to appease her.. and him. screw them. i told her that i am worth more than 1 day a year and i am going to spend my time giving thanks for the only person who actually gets that. so they can have their little thanksgiving thanking whoever for how ridiculous they are and how evil they get every year that passes... I'd rather hammer hammers into my knees hahahaha.. ok I'm done. ok not quite done... got another email just now. saying that she was just respecting my wishes to leave me alone. its sort of hard to take people seriously when they such ridiculous things. its funny how she's always had such a hard time respecting my wishes concerning absolutely anything, except when its "leave me alone". that's always been easy for her because she is fake. she can say with her mouth she loves me but try showing it once in a while. and not by giving presents or doing favors but actually doing the ONE things i ask and confront your effing son. the source of the problem. no. that's always been too hard for her hasn't it? it just pisses me off that she still can't see what is wrong. it pisses me off because its common sense.. if i had a daughter and she said "leave me alone" or anything like it.. I wouldn't just go "hum.. ok.. got it".. i could never willingly walk away from my daughter when obviously there is a problem. i would never accept that.. i would figure out why she said it, especially if it was something i could fix.. and I'd just fix it. who? what mother just says, "ok" to "leave me alone"... and it wasn't just a random notion said on a whim... it was after months of not being heard, not being taken seriously, being pushed aside and forgotten. it was a series of events that pushed me to that point. i didn't just decide it one day because i am a brat and have to get what i want. and everything has to be my way, no. everyone deserves to be heard and respected and when people absolutely refuse, there's only so much you can do.. and that is why i said to leave me alone. this isn't the first invitation like this.. its one of several and we've gone to the others only to be greeted with harshness and treated like strangers. only to feel inferior to these bastards. only to take everything they have ti dish out but have to tip toe around them. its not fair and its not pleasant and I'd rather punch myself in the face. i said it because i didn't know what else to say. she knows that was the last straw for me.. and if she had listened and take the time.. take me seriously.. i would have never said it. so to say that she is "respecting my wishes" is just bullshit. if i had a daughter, and i knew she had gone through half the stuff i went through, i would make it a top priority to listen.. she knows the history behind how wounded i am when its comes to people who don't listen and yet she contributes to the problem. the only reason she lets Jason get away with his nonsense and lets him turn into a monster of a human being is because she is just as bad. and telling him he is wrong would be like telling herself. respect my wishes? CHANGE. DOOO something. ------------------------------------------------- ok so. just because i might be an idiot doesn't mean everyone else is... i think. i don't know. its been a while since i thought anything so stupid but its all irrational paranoia i think. it is strange. but i wont read into it. i trust him and i love him and i am just going to shut my face unless its just too obvious not to notice. and i don't think it would ever be like that even if what i thought happened but isn't actually was. so thats good.. its good to pretend everything is fine when its not. even if everything is fine, i feel that its not for some reason... but I'm sure it is... uhg. like the book I'm reading. half way through in 2 sittings. not bad for sucking arse at reading anything. i think its because i concentrated TOO hard.. and it made me think about reading rather than read. stupid i know. but i didn't get it until i stopped doing it and i dunno why i stopped, just did. its a book about suicide so it pretty much fits the bill for the last year of my life. i do find it rather unfortunate that there will more likely than not be a meaningful lesson at the end about how suicide is bad and blah blah blah. and i dunno if i want to hear about how its bad or stupid.. even if I'm not seriously thinking about it.. so don't freak out or anything. but.. i just don't feel like hearing about it. its one of those obvious things everyone knows is bad to think about, but they think about it anyways... idk i'm kinda just rambling because i'm stalling. i don't want to go to bed. i'd probably just stare at the wall for 2 hours. suck.