My evaluation is today at 10am. less than 8 hours from now. I don't anticipate sleep in my near future. erg. I'm getting nervous. Like. I was fine, or so I thought, and then all of a sudden it hit me.. and I pictured myself walking to my appointment and I got a knot in my stomach. What if I don't have it. What if i have something else. something worse or.. unknown. I know i have something.. and I was starting to get used to or accept the fact that i have asperger's because I've been reading about it and knowing about it i guess makes it less.. scary? but if its something else.. then I'm screwed. I'm mostly nervous not only because of the obvious.. going on my own and not knowing what to expect.. but when they ask me why. Why do i want to get the evaluation in the first place. "i just want to know" doesn't seem to be a good enough answer it seems. they always want to know what i am going to "do" about it. why do i have to "do" anything. understanding is enough. I mean I can figure out that after i know.. one step at a time people. If I decide I am going to do something about it and make all sort of plans but end up having something else or nothing at all, it'd all just be a waste of time. so for now.. knowing is enough.
i keep doubting. i keep thinking it is like the time i had a lump in my chest a long time ago and i went to the doctor and it was nothing. and they like touched me and stuff for no reason. I HATE when ANYONE let alone strangers, touch me... especially my chest. and to be humiliated for nothing.. was... horrible. I don't want to waste anyone's time. I don't want to look like a joke. Oh here's just another weirdo who thinks they have the latest disorder. Its not like that. but i try to be objective.. and i end up doubting i ever knew what i was talking about in the first place. I start thinking about all the things that make me normal. And i think i don't have it and i want to cancel this evaluation. but then, i got my book today. the one i ordered a while ago called "Asperger's and Girls" and g's... its like.. so much reflects my childhood.. answers questions i never knew to ask. I think growing up in church and always being exposed to people and social situations helped me to blend in better than a lot of people with as. but it didn't take away the anxiety that comes with it. it didn't take away the feeling of not getting it. not knowing why i am doing things.. just doing them because that's what i was always told to do. and so much more. some of my doubts focused around the anti social aspect of AS. But the characteristic isn't anti-social behavior.. its socially awkward behavior.. i thought "maybe I'm not because I'm not really always quiet.. i can be loud and obnoxious" but there was a girl in the book that was like that too. o man. and the parts about friendship and puberty. and all that.. dang. i would be here all night if i went into it but dang.. its just a good book.. and I'm glad i got it. Even if I don't even up having it. If anything i can relate to those who do have it in so many ways.
i probably wont sleep tonight.
"Girls with Asperger's tend to be immature, naive, gullible, and easily deceived. They usually want to be like other girls, and might be persuaded to do all manner of inappropriate behaviors, in order to be accepted by their neurotypical peers. Like others with asperger's, they typically have poor problem solving skills, and often don't know what appropriate steps to take when they are molested, abused, bullied, or taken advantage of in any way."
-Asperger's and Girls
uhm.. hi.. they took the words right out of my head.
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haha that was funny.
Just got up. Went to myspace... displaying an ad saying "Be Social" i refresh the page and its an add for curel lotion, itch relief. Lol. weird.
I didn't sleep last night. as predicted. well like 30 minutes. just took a shower. Going to eat some oatmeal and wait for my hair to dry.. try not to fall asleep from now until my appointment.