Oops. I didn't realize i didn't finish my last entry. I guess it sounds like something bad happened. I wrote an entry but it didn't save and that sentence was the only part that did. Weird. But everything is ok. Well no one is hurt or dead physically. Anyways..

Things are so weird.

Haven't written in a while because everything is personal or annoying but i dont really care at the moment.

So last night around 9:30 pm Bryan needed us to drive him to the ER.. nothing crazy just needed a doctor and they were all closed. I had just woken up from a nap so i wasnt tired at all and when we got back we ate food and i was super wake. Tim was exhausted and went to sleep but Bryan and I stayed up playing black ops and talking all night and morning. We sometimes do that anyways but this was the longest for sure. He eventually tried going to bed around 10 am haha but he has an interview on Thursday and said he couldn't fall asleep because he kept thinking of things he needed to do to prepare. I get that.. i never sleep before a big day and I always look like crap on the most important days because if it. It sucks.

We had some crazy conversations. He's gone through insane things. Like.. completely crazy insane. Like lifetime movie stuff. Hate that channel. You'd never know it. But man.. and i don't know.. he was just telling me about all of it. And a lot of things were coming up. It's sort of awkward when someone is sharing soo much personal information with you.. it almost makes you, or at least it makes me, feel obligated to share too. Usually. In the past I have felt that urge to reciprocate information about myself that is as or more.personal to idk make the person feel more comfortable? But it has never been a good idea. It's always backfired in some way. Always. And i seem to never learn. Mostly because in the moment I completely forget and just go with how i feel. And i always feel wide open. But regardless of that wide open feeling I decided not to engage. I was simply a listening ear. But it felt weird not to share anything. We talked a looooong time and eventually i did share some stuff. Not really... usually i flat out say things. This time.. i just implied things. Bryan is smart I'm sure he could figure it out.. maybe not the 2nd thing but definitely the 1st. But most of the conversation was about how he decided to make an application kind of ironically for future girlfriends. Which sounds like something a misogynistic jerk would do but after what he's been through i would be surprised if he didn't consider doing it. The whole conversation started because he was telling me about it. Saying he would never actually have anyone fill it out or anything but just for his own benefit to see what he's looking for. I mean he made the point that that's basically what people are doing when they first meet and date anyways but this way it's just all condensed into one form. Some of the stuff was interesting but some was so crazy. It made me feel crappy about myself for some reason. Idk he was saying how he came from a divorced home.. as most do.. and it made him terrified of divorce and super determined to avoid ever getting a divorce. Idk a weird topic right now for me but anyways.. he said he wouldn't want a girl who had been divorced for sure but also not even a girl who came from a divorced home! What? That's like.. that's almost everyone. But because people from divorced families are more likely to get divorced themseleves. I guess statistically that is true but still. He said a lot of things were deal breakers for him and a lot of the things were things I did or had done or about me in some way and it just made me feel so crappy. Not that i want to be with him but maybe that this is just generally how guys think and when you break it down and shine a light on it.. i'm not desirable. Not at all. In any way. Not according to this very well thought out application. To weed out the damaged and crazies and avoid divorce. According to him I'm incredibly damaged. I just kept listening though. There was so much we.. well mostly he.. talked about .. like how the most important thing to him was that she was a christian. And at one point he asked me if that should be the most important thing because one of his gfs had been a Christian and she hurt him the most. I said I'm not the person to ask right now because I'm confused. . I guess he thought i meant confused about tim (which is accurate) but i really meant confused about God. And he said something like.. "tim's a good guy" and i was like oh.. i meant god.. but it felt sort of nice for a split second for someone else to know about my confusion with tim and marriage and everything. But i "corrected" him and the conversation moved on. I told him for him it definitely should be important based solely on what he wants. But that just because a girl is Christian doesn't mean she will be exempt from making mistakes.. In fact in a conversation we had earlier this week about christians and temptation i think h knows that it might mean she is tested more than non christians because shes a target. I wont gwt into that but it made sense and i think he should keep it in mind. I said based on what he wants i think he's been looking in the wrong places nd he should try to find a girl at chuch. Church is the worst. For so many reasons. But I was trying to be objective. We talked a lot about divorce. Well he did. The conversation made me extremely uncomfortable and i was glad when it was my turn to play because i had an excuse not to look at him at all. I just felt weird. Guilty. He was just going on about divorce and his view on it and what the Bible says about it and at one point I literally felt like at any moment i was just going to scream entirely due to how uncomfortable i was. It's not a conversation I want to have with anyone right now.. even if for the brief a second before I corrected him it did feel so relieving to have someone else know that things aren't as perfect as they seem.. I am falling asleep I'll finish this later......

It's later. Maybe i should just press through when i am tired because i come back and its hard to remember what i wanted to say or even what was said. I guess the whole thing just made me feel bad about myself. Because apparently I am incredibly damaged. Other things he said were that he didn't want a girl who had been raped. Because he knows it ruins your life and can cause problems. Geez. It was around this point he made it clear that the application was really insensitive and hed never actually have anyone fill it out. Yeah. He might get slapped if he did. He also said that he wanted a girl that was honest but how do you know if she is honest? What are the signs that she isnt? I felt like he was actually asking me. Like i had some sort of secret super powers or just knew simply because i have a vagina. I don't know. The only thing I know for sure lately is that i know absolutely nothing at all. The more I think i know or try to figure out the more apparent is the realization that i pretty much know nothing and will continue to know less and less.

I wanted to say.. so what if she is honest? Being honest is good but it doesn't mean she won't make mistakes either. I've made so many and I've never been able to keep them to myself. Sometimes I've tried but it doesn't work. Whether it is during or eventually, the truth always finds a way out of me. Sometimes i get it myself or welcome it and sometimes it's like it has a mind of its own and pries itself out of me. It doesn't seem like truth matters. People want perfect. Perfect doesn't exist. At the risk of toppling over the side of the fence I've been sitting on.. Isn't that the point? That people are so inherently evil at heart and that is why Jesus died for us.. so we could be forgiven? I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand I want to say yes.. Jesus died for my sins and i can ask forgiveness and be forgiven. On the other hand I don't think grace works past a certain point... or shouldnt.. if i make mistake after mistake knowing it is wrong and then ask for forgiveness... it doesn't seem like it should matter. I shouldn't be able to knowingly do something and then just ask to be forgiven and thats that. That's probably why I stopped praying and even asking for it. I feel ashamed and like a fraud for even considering asking. I might feel better in the moment but will it stop me from making more mistakes or even the same mistake i just asked forgiveness for? Probably not. I'm not making mistake after mistake over here. I'm really only thinking of 1 thing and I don't even see it as a mistake and thats probably my first mistake. Idk. I have no idea about all this anymore. I didn't say any of this to him.. This was just my internal dialog.

I know guys like to have these sort of talks with girls because girls tend to be more insightful and have good advice and everything. But he's asking the wrong girl for advice on life and anything of importance. Even when things aren't screwed up I'm not great at advice. I used to think i was okay and I probably could be but it feels impossible to give adequate advice to anyone unless you are that person or know absolutely everything and who ever knows everything about another person? Thats a whole other entry. Maybe I'm just bitter about the last pieces of advice i was given. Intentions were good but the advice was so empty. Might as well have opened a fortune cookie or asked a 5 year old. Although I've met some pretty insightful 5 year olds so who knows.

I didn't want to think about anything until i was on my trip. I was hoping. But it's been a month since what happened happened and since ive wanted to go. It's impossible not to think a little bit. It's easier with a roommate. There is usually always someone around. And a reason to put on the jeni act. You know.. happu bubbly jeni that lives on the surface.. the sort of person youd never expect to have any problems. I dont mean to but i dont know how else to be around people without divulging my life story and that isnt happening.. it does feel fake though amd i hate fake people. I guess for now i just have to hate myself. I wanted to continue to just pretend things are normal and fine until i left but it didn't work out. Because it's just pretending. Even if tim has been amazing. It doesn't erase problems. It helps but not enough. As the month goes by i think more and more. Things I was hoping to figure out removed from the situation not in the middle of it. Uhg. It's coming soon but not soon enough. At the same time I'm completely terrified. Of going. Of being on my own. Of people. New places. But it's happening. I convinced tim so much that this is a good idea that now that I'm having doubts he is pushing me to go. He says it's okay that i feel this way but that these are the exact reasons why I have to go. That this was the whole point. Yeah. But. Still. Maybe safe is better. Maybe figuring out what i want will only ruin safe... and I'll get exactly what I want and be unsafe amd everything will be uncertain and chaotic.. maybe I've just been crazy. Maybe i am happy.. or that is just fear of the unknown talking. Why doesn't writing help anymore? I used to write and figure stuff out along the way .. it was like gold mining and after I would feel so amazing for all my new discoveries. Now it feels more like I'm trying to find. needle in a haystack.

I should go be productive. I have a lot to do. Too much. Get that card. Practice guitar.. my 3 fingers are so hard and callused it's awesome.. drums? I should but after clearing out the truck (which we sold last week) there's more boxes now and harder to get to my drums. Or the treadmill and all i want to do is run since that conversation Sunday night.

Tim just called and we found out last week that he was #1 for ETR in compton. Compton... blah. He was #2 for Crenshaw and hollywood. We've been waiting for simi valley or valencia or something closer.. now he's saying he must have canceled Hollywood because they're saying he isnt anything. What? I dony get it. He said they wanted an answer about compton today. I told him to make the decision because h already knows my opinion. I don't want it and I think he should wait it out. But he's saying they are telling everyone that jobs will be opening up less and less and to take anything. That's what he said a month ago and I said wait and then Hollywood opened. And if he hadnt canceled.. i still dont get why he canceled.. but if he hadnt.. he would be picking that today. There wouldn't be a problem. And when he was #20 or 30 for jobs he was freaking out and i said give it a week and the next week he was #3 or 4. I was right again. But i cant make this decision. He's saying he doesn't want to put me in a position I don't want to be in.. but i already have for the last 2 years. I said i cant make a decision and have it turn out that no jobs open again and he is stuck in AMI forever while all these other guys move on. No. It has to be his decision. If he does pick compton though.. it might mean no trip. Actually it definitely would mean no trip. Because it starts the 8th. I did all the packing every time we moved before. It takes at least a week or 2. And i was frwaking out about everything i needed to do for my trip.. cant do both in 2 weeks its not possible. This couldn't have come at a worse time.