I wrote this a while ago and forgot to actually post it so here we go... probably because i didnt end up finishing. i never do though.

I will never learn.

I am insane. Knowing doesn't help. I don't know what it is. I can't turn it off. I hate myself for it. Even when I pull away its like a magnet. I get pulled back. With hardly any effort on his part. I love him. And he's so convincing when he tells me he loves me. Its not real. I KNOW that. But I can't stop myself.

I don't know how to explain the last few days. I've been in denial since I decided to come back to California. Maybe it wasnt so much denial though. I told Patrick tonight that it felt like I was possessed in Wisconsin. Somethings, some force, but not myself got me here somehow. Because if it were up to me I would be in wisconsin still. As crazy as that sounds. Because I wouldnt have been able to do it myself. I believe in God and so I believe it was Him who got me here I guess but even if i didnt. It wasnt me. And I wouldn't know what but its undeniable.

And especially right now I dont want to give credit to God. I'm angry at him. I believe in him. I belive what I believe but I'm angry and I know it doesnt mean anything. I'm angry that it feels like it doesnt mean anything. And all those athiest out there shaking their heads. I have seen him in my life. I know what i know. I mean as stupid as is stounds to atheists that I do belive in God, I think its just as crazy that they dont.. but not even that... i can table the idea of God for a second.. do they just think we are alone? What about aliens? out of all the galaxies and universes and craziness we dont knwo about... i hope that for every person that doesnt believe in God, I hope they at least believe in aliens. I mean I dont know if I believe in aliens but i think I'm closer to believing in them than not. this entry took a weird turn.

I deleted 360. Its this app that tracks your location. Max had it on his phone from a long time ago and on new years he told me to download it and i could see where he is. i was worried. I said it was fine but i was also curious and it helped.. it shouldnt come to that. needing assurance. People's words should mean something and his never did. And he was always good at finding loopholes and being sneaky anyways. So all these apps and assurance were just silly delusions. I miss being stupid. Not knowing what a liar he was. I miss him.He lies about such stupid stuff sometimes. Its like he has to reach a quota per day. Its like he has a lying fetish. BUt i deleted it. I was driving myswlf crazy.

He does this lovely thing where he ignores me for random amounts of time. the other day it was 5 hours because I said "if you liked me you'd play games with me" I said this in a playful way because i asked him what he was doing and i already knew the answer. he is always on his phone. playing games. and he got upset about it. he said "mean" I said "why? You play a lot of games" and i just wanted to spend time with him and he said "ok. sorry" and then ignored me for 5 hours. Later he said sorry and that he ignored me because he said he was angry and he didnt want to be a dick to me. I asked why he got angry though. I just wanted to play games with him. And he said he cant control what will anger him. Just that he got angry and didnt want to take it out on me.

Usually when he gets angry... even if the outcome is him raging and lashing out at me in an over the top disproportionate way.. at least i can somewhat pinpoint the trigger. maybe something i said. Maybe i said a rude comment. Maybe it was even on purpose. But it doesnt warrant a response like that. a mean comment said usually because he was being mean in the first place doesnt make it ok to ignore someone 15 or more hours. But that's what happens.

But these "mantrums" (man tantrums as I just now decided to call them) are getting crazier and less and less predictable. Not that they ever were best described as predictable. Nothing he does is. The only thing predictable about him is how unpredictable he is. Monday and tuesday night we video chatted on facebook while we slept. We used to do it a lot. Ive done it with brandon because he's my best friend and we both have anxiety and it helps us sleep. And i just miss max and he said we could. I wasnt goign to make a regular thing out of it. I knew once i move to my uncles that i wouldnt be able to talk as much. And i probably shouldnt because of how emotional it can make me. So i wanted to spend a lot of time with him. He was being so sweet. And cutesy. Taking pictures and joking with me. Flirting with me. Its crazy how awful things can get, how much trauma there has been, but how easily we can fall back into us. He's home. Anyways around 5am the call dropped and without me asking he said he would call me back. around 7am it dropped again but he was sleeping so i just went to sleep. when i woke up i asked if he was up but no response. I've been sick so i ended up falling back asleep. we played tag a couple times. he would wake up and say soemthing short. then i would. the last thing he said was "did you move today yet?" at 3pm on wednesday. And I responded but he never looked. 360 shows when you charge your phone. wednesday night he charged his phone. idk if he forgot it showed that or just doesnt care. But i knew then that he was seeing my messages and pretty blatantly ignoring me.