I am so overwhelemed and exhausted. I shouldn't feel this way. I am only 23. I don't know what to do. I feel really helpless right now. I wish I knew someone who could help me. I wish I had someone smart who I trusted to ask all these questions about asperger's and what I should do. I've been struggling for the past year with putting together a plan for myself.. a routine that works. But nothing is working. Maybe I am not patient enough.. the diet thing is SO overwhelming. There is SO much I can't eat and i know it sounds silly but I want to cry just thinking about eating. I love food. And I can't eat hardly anything. I HATE vegetables, I usually hate chicken, I hate the way pork and most beef is cooked. Most of the time the fishy tastes in salmon makes me want to gag. The only foods I actually like that I get to eat are almonds and fruit.. but that gets so old :( I just want to eat ice cream and candy and donuts...uhg. And when i was diagnosed my psychologist said that i could get money or benefits and stuff.. i don't know what she's talking about because I called Social Security and asked and I don't qualify. I can get money for school from the DOR but I haven't done that yet because I am SO tired.. I can't deal with work AND school.. I will die. I can barely keep my head up at work sometimes. I can't sleep. If I do sleep I wake up throughout the night or its a very restless sleep.. I feel like I didn't sleep at all even if I supposedly slept 6 plus hours.. And the most frustrating thing is I don't know if its situational or if its a side effect.. And my freaking pshyciatrist wants me to stay on Cymbalta but I'm thinking it might just be because Cymbalta needs all the people they can get right now because of all the bad press and maybe they are paying his practice extra money or incentives to get more people on Cymbalta.. maybe.. i dunno maybe I'm parinoid. I wish I knew the right places to go and where to find the right resources. the right people to ask. I feel like I research and research only to end up with all the same questions and more. I hate that I wasn't helped as a kid. I hate that my mom and teachers didn't see that I was trying and try to help me instead of make me feel like a failure. Because that's all i ever feel like. No matter what I do. I wish i would have known. Things would be different. I could have done really great in school. Everyone with the autistic gene is a potential genius... well.. so much for that. It wasn't embraced. and now its not possible. Its too late. If I did well in school I could have gone to a real college and had a degree by now. We could be in a nice big house and be starting a family because we wouldn't have to worry about money. I used to get in trouble when i was little for always doing things I didn't understand. and my mom would get even more mad because i would always say "I didn't do anything". And I'm sure I did do lots in hindsight, but I really didn't think I did at the time. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't think it. And a lot of the time, most of the time, I think I really DIDN"t do anything but she was so.. uhg.. for some reason throwing tantrums and failing school makes youa liar in my mothers eyes. I never gave her a reason to not trust me. Until one day I just couldn't take it anymore and decided not to tell her anything. I just read how kids with AS need more nuturing.. ha. my mother is the most UNnurturing person. Doctors used to think that it was the mother's fault.. that mother's coldness caused autism. Now they don't think that.. but i can see how why they would. I hate her so much sometimes because every moment of every day is so hard. And it could have been avoided.. or at least made so much easier. I know I can't blame her forever. But right now I am. Because all these things are piling up on me. I am so stressed about work. My co worker was fired and I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I feel like no one likes me at work. I feel like I am not doing a good job because my boss is impatient and wants everything yesterday. And he doesn't understand how web sites are built and its frustrating because I'm not going to like sit there and explain it to him. And he is freaking ridiculous. I don't know if he is crazy or maybe he has blackouts during conversations.. but he is the most forgetful or contradicting person I've ever met. Like today I sent him links to the auto insurance form and the home insurance form. both are 5-6 page forms. We met and he said ok, work on home. And so i did that. At the end of the day he was like, how is health? And I'm like.. I'm working on home. And he was like.. you were supposed to be working on health.. and I'm like.. since when? I sent you that email with auto and home and we had a meeting and you told me to work on home. And he's like o i thought you finished home last week. and I was like wtf??!?!?! but he eventually went away so thats good.

What was i saying...

Anyways. I am just overwhelmed and I am more overwhelmed trying to figure out what treatment and stuff to do for my AS because its not just for like now.. I am going to have AS for the rest of my LIFE! so it has to work and be good and healthy and awesome and stuff. But everything is so confusing.. Anti depressants and anti anxiety and anti psychotics (which i dont like the sound of) and its all a bunch of Chinese. I don't want to make the wrong decision. And I don't want to screw myself up with medications.. I'm really afraid of that. I don't know what to do.

I try to talk to Tim about it. But. He doesn't understand. No one does. No one has ever really understood anything I care about and this is turning out to be no different. My mom thought that me bringing up AS was making excuses for myself.. When I was just sharing myself. But i should have known. Everything I say to her is returned with a slap in the face. I'm so stupid. I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Sit D isn't cutting it like it used to. Maybe that's because I also had other people there too.. now there's no one. I wish i had a girl friend or a mom or a sister. A sister would be so nice. I feel hopeless. And I feel like its just going to get worse. I want to be a good wife. I try. I try too cook dinner and stuff and I just end up destroying the kitchen. I spill and drop things and knock things over. I forget parts to a recipe and have to start over (has happened in a while). I burn things because I'm not paying attention or I think I did everything right, and it still comes out wrong :( I try to clean and make bigger messes. I do stupid things. Things I think are good ideas and then when I hear Tim say them, i realize how stupid they are. And he loves me unconditionally and I don't deserve it. I bug him at night. I like to bite him. maybe thats why he doesnt want to talk to me about AS. He just says "call (insert name of my psychologist here)" and I say i knowwww that Timmy, I am going to but she isn't here right nowwww. And he goes "well I don't know what to do".. I don't need a solution.. I just feel helpless. And I feel like I'm going to explode. and I'm so angry. and i don't know what to do and i just need to talk. not for hours.. it would just be nice if he indulged me for like 5 minutes without making me feel like a retard. But why not. Thats what i am. I hate my life. I have said how I don't mind having AS, how I actually kind of like it and its just a part of me.. like having brown eyes.. but I am over that.. I DO mind. I don't want it. I don't like it. I want to be normal.

Anyways. no use getting upset. no one cares and it wont solve anything. so whatever. I want to try my gfcfsf diet for a month.. its only been like a week now. And i want to be more active.. my doctor told me i need to exercise. before i was put on cymbalta, he had me on lexapro but i was gaining a lot of weight. I was 110 when i started and now i am 120. When i had orginally wanted to lose 10 lbs not gain it uhg. I wanted to join a soccer league here in simi. But. Idk. I inquired about registration and the coach replied saying they were very competitive and asked what my "skill set" is..... my what? What the hell is a skill set in reference to soccer? or anything.. I didn't know how to answer it so i answered his question with a question. I asked what the average skill set of the team was... he told me to come to the game on sunday. I didn't go. I overslept for one and also, I would probably make a fool of myself anyways. I wasn't good at soccer. I liked playing when i took that class at COC. But that was different. This would be all girls. or women rather.. I don't really mesh with girls. and even less with "women". We have nothing in common. Except maybe that we're both married or something. Which.. oh yay talking about being married for an hour with strangers... pretty gay. I read an article tho that said that horseback riding and rock climbing are 2 activities that are good for AS :) Those sound fun. I LOVE horsies and I LOVE to climb. So maybe me and Timmy can start doing that, and hiking, and I could join a yoga class or something.. I like yoga. Yoga isn't that bad. I hate exercising in front of people... but yoga.. you just do poses and crap. And you aren't supposed to talk so that's a plus. I like that you are really supposed to tune everyone out.

anyways. going to bed. bye.