The cruelest lies are often told in silence --Robert Louis Stevenson I didn't go to bed last night. After coming back to the house I had some soup and then i passed out on the couch from exhaustion. Tim fell asleep near my feet. That was at about 10ish maybe. and we slept until 1 or 2. i told him to go into the room and sleep and i stayed up on the computer. at 5 i went in the room and read. i was planning on sleeping after an hour but i just kept reading and then Tim was getting up for work. he wouldn't have if I didn't wake him, he snoozed all morning. actually didn't seem like he hit the snooze very much.. anyways.. I've been reading all morning. about liars. types of liars. why liars lie. its depressing which is ironic, considering. I wound up on this one website, it was this girl asking a question like on yahoo answers, only it wasn't yahoo answers. and she told about her lying boyfriend and asked what to do about it. and everyone told her to get out now. not one person said to stay. and if they didn't say to run, they would tell horrifying personal stories about their own situations and experiences with a lying spouse. the ones that were hard to read were the ones from people married the longest.. like 30 years... they were so miserable. and it was like their only source of happiness in life was trying by way of these stupid answer sites to prevent someone else from making the same mistake... i scrolled and scrolled.. 1/2 searching for just one person to encourage this girl to stay against her better judgment or say that they were there but now everything is fine.. like it never happened.. and 1/2 growing more and more receptive of the empowering words.. at the end however empowered and strong i felt.. i should have been happy about it, i love when answers are so clearly given.. they are rare. and here one was, but it just made me feel miserable. similarly, the articles weren't much help. although they had a different vibe, not to leave but warning against them and how to spot them but encouraged a partner to stay and work it out... they amount of time and effort placed on the NON-lying partners part was... overwhelming! why? they had a whole page dedicated to "how to confront a liar" and "making matters worse" which clearly stated that (according to them) I've already made EVERY mistake on their list! But why should i feel guilty about that? HE is the one who lied! not me! The articles made me so angry.. babying liars like idk.. its just making it worse! THEY are! Not ME! These stupid articles that cater to the "needs" of these pathetic people are just fueling the flames! why should i have to read/study/worry/learn how to deal with this when i didn't even ask for it? its not the lie. or that he still lies when confronted. and even still with evidence. its that he has no emotion.. nothing to tell me when he lies. no signal nothing.. like a normal person might. its so easy for him. its second nature, a reflex. its scary. no hesitation. no after effect of guilt or remorse. its like he has no conscious. and now.. when were at this point. pretty much rock bottom... only now he is broken and "sorry" but i don't know. i have a pretty good intuition when it comes to these things.. and i don't believe him. his sobs of sorry's sound fake and empty and not because i am hurt and don't want to accept them.. i listen to him and wonder... can he hear himself? he isn't a very good actor! its like when a kid is crying for a toy and then you give it to them and in an instant they are completely fine. its not like they weren't fine, they just wanted something. you can tell they are faking. i don't know how else to describe it. it makes me a little sick thinking about it. one example imparticular is a week or so ago... we were fighting over one of his lies and as usual i moved myself and the blanket into the living room to sleep on the couch. and he was leaving for work and came over and we talked for a minute I'm assuming and it was bad. i didn't want him to touch me and then after some whiny sentences.. he "fell over".. but i watched him. and he was holding his coffee and his lunch box yet when he "fell" he didn't spill either.. and he didn't fall.. rather just leaned into it. like it was expected. his eyes didn't close. he didn't lay there motionless. he moved as soon as he touched the floor, but he said he fainted. I've fainted a few times. and I've seen people faint... he didn't faint. and for his coffee not to spill.. just. the whole thing looked contrived. he always tries to make me out to be the bad guy. make me feel sorry for him and then he's off the hook. i always take the bait too. i really do. i see him cry and i can't help but want to hold him and tell him IIIII am sorry!!! me! stupid. you know i'm only 90% sure he faked it but i would bet my life on it. not that i will ever know because i can't prove it and even if i could.. he'd probably just swear to God that it was real. it wont change. i am not so ignorant that i think he can change overnight or that he will never lie again.. or that any one is actually capable of that. I know people lie. i know more than most people that people lie. but people lie from time to time.. and it makes them uncomfortable which is usually indicated by a physical change. they feel guilty and they usually come clean on their own because of guilt. that's a typical liar. typical liars and white lies.. fine. a typical liar will lie but they wont lie when confronted. that's the difference... they might lie in the moment. but to lie to someones face when asked. when provided evidence. swear to God? white lies are fine too.. like.. what did you have for breakfast? "eggs" but you really had cereal.. it doesn't matter. but even those can be problematic.. if asked.. "wait, i thought you had cereal?..." and they deny it.. that's just as bad.. why do they need to lie about something so... unnecessary? but its not like Tim is in those categories alone... he is in something more. i don't know if he is a pathological liar or a compulsive liar.. or something else. either way both are described as addictions and are hard to break even with counseling and therapy. even the people who were answering that girl's question.. some of them said their husband/bf was in therapy.. but they didn't really give it any credit to changing the situation. they just stated it and went along with their story like it had no effect. obviously i can assume most of these women are bitter and you're only hearing one side of the story.. and i have to take into account also that most of the stories are of a different nature or similar to mine only more serious. but still.. he told me so many times these last 3 weeks that i "know everything now" and "there's nothing else, i promise Jeni!" Love: a temporary insanity curable by marriage --Ambrose Bierce even so. I think I have a soul mate. whether i found them or not. and I think marriage can be one of the most wonderful thing in the world, if your lucky enough to find someone who puts your feelings before their own.