lol Oh Jack Black. You is hilarious. ME baby, MEEE!

I slept all day. uhg.

the lump in my boob feels bigger :/ and lumpier. Actually thats a lie. It feels... round.. and more.. dense. like it feels like it weighs more than it did before. Idk how I would know.. its not like I've weighed it or could but.. it just feels like it.

The other day I wrote about how I was panicky when I thought about moving to Colorado. I thought about it again. a lot. until I fell asleep last night. And. I tried to think of the things here that might be holding me back.. things I would miss or reasons not to move.. I didn't come up with any. No job, noting I can't do over there. Same with school. No family. I don't see the ones that don't suck much anyways. They live like 2-3 hours away. No friends. Not ones that live close. I mean we have George and Carol and Sal and Stephanie they are cool and all but they aren't close enough friends to really feel panicky when leaving. So what is it? I have no idea. When I think about having kids.. I see myself in a big house with a yard and close to family who loves us. That can happen in Colorado. Its not like much will change for the worse.. only better. I don't see many of the people I talk to anyways.. I can have a lot more in Colorado than I could here. I would miss the beach but.. we live an hour away and have only gone a few times since we moved here. It is cold there and I am really sensitive to cold.. but.. I'll buy a jacket. They have fireplaces. Lots of blankets. I like blankets. we could put the punching bag in the basement so I could just go downstairs and work out. a work out room/game room. I like Michelle and she could come over and keep me company. I think she'd like a place to go to get away from Aaron and Tim sometimes. It would be quiet. I wouldn't hear people snoring under us. Or ever time they are in the stairway. Or cars and police sirens. I could read a book without getting distracted every 5 minutes. I could go running for miles without anyone seeing me. I could ride a dirt bike into a ditch... wait.. already did that.

I wanna do things with my hands. I want a work station to build things. anything. I like making things and taking them apart. I've never learned how to make that useful.. its just fun. and interesting. But if I could spend time doing it, maybe I could learn to make cool stuff. Not just working on cars like we want to do when we go to colorado. Maybe I could build computers. Or finish that light box i wanted to make. in the book i am reading john elder would make amps and sound effects and such for musicians. That would be cool. I used to work in the audio visual department at coc. But i wasn't there long enough to learn anything good. They didn't have enough money to keep me around. It paid crappy but I did it because I like that stuff. Always have. When I was little, although I don't like thinking about some of the memories that are closely linked with these but.. I would sit in the sound booth with whats his face. I really liked all the buttons and lights. I wanted to learn how to do it but no one ever showed me. So I tried to be around it as much as I could. I ended up getting pushed out of the way or under the desk playing with the headphones and microphones. They smelled funny. I've always liked building things. I used to build add ons to my hamsters cages. I felt really bad that they had to be cooped up in such a tiny space. So i would collect toilet paper and paper towel rolls and tape them together to make tunnels around the cage. It was pretty cool, until my hamster got out and got eaten by my dog Bianca. When I was younger I would put these huge bucket things ontop of my brothers skate boards with rope and ride them down the street. When I was in high school my friends David and Wes had huge, cool looking computers. They said they made them. I wanted to learn how but i was too stupid to ask them to teach me. I hated working at Valencia Printers because of the people and the pay, and some of the tasks were tedious. But working with the machines was fun.

tomorrow i need to do a bunch of crap. And look for a job dammit. BLAHH.

I love Timmy. Is he the only non-asshole out there? Is he the only humble boy ever? Why was I lucky enough to get him? He appreciates me. He believes in me. He supports me. He loves me more than I deserve.