Well there you have it. that's it. the absolute last weary strand of hope and ability to trust in people. trust in truth. i don't trust anything. not even myself anymore.. for trusting too much. i more than ever before, I've felt such a connection... like when we were first married. i didn't think it was coming back. we were passionate again like we had been. i mean its not like we strayed far from it but particular circumstances did make it a hard place to obtain. but i felt that warm feeling. i felt so close to Timmy that close wasn't enough. so close inside that i tried to mirror it outside and squeeze him until we were one. no embrace was ever enough. i think it was the absence of certain impurities that plagued our relationship. as insignificant as they may or may not have been.. like dust in a ice cold glass of water. but i fixed it. i made it better. i threw the glass out and we started fresh and it was good.. but as usual. i am never enough. in any situation or persons eye's... i am always a fraction of what they need. want. and no one ever means what they say. no one ever means they care. if they cared they'd think ahead. people make mistakes yeah and they can be forgiven yeah and i have been forgiven, and i have also forgiven. but how can you forgive a liar? how do you ever know if there isn't more to forgive? the excuses. the unraveling of excuses. they get old. i am tired. i don't lie. not to your face. it eats me inside when i am wrong. and i cave. sometimes quicker than others. sometimes longer. but if ever looked in the eye and asked yes or no, i do not lie! how can you trust someone who does? repeatedly... my light house. my earth. my everything. the only one who understood how much i needed him to be that last strand and stay connected. when all other hope is lost. who is there to count on now? when blood and water alike, thick or otherwise are nothing but means to drown me in sorrow and regret. no not regret. not with my Timmy. he said "what do i want to do?" i said, "i don't know just go." he said "not now, about me".. i said, "what can i do? nothing. complain." i told him i don't believe him about a few other things i was skeptical about. he defended himself about one or 2 of them but left a few untouched. so what does it mean? of course I'd like to just assume he is lying about everything. but maybe there is a pattern. a sign. when he defends himself, it is a lie.. or the other way around? he defended the thing this morning... so then that makes the few untouched things untrue. if that's the case. but its probably not because i am never right about anything and anyone. i was right this morning tho. instead of always ALWAYS letting the other person take control of the conversation and manipulate it to suit them best, i took charge. more than ever. i was clever. i said i discovered something.. and he said what? in a weird way and i said.. no, don't ask... tell me what you think i discovered and i will say if it is true or not. and he said nothing after i asked several times. finally caving and saying what he thought. and like i hoped i wasn't smart enough to figure out, it was worse than what i thought. and my mind was flooded with.. "what else" and "what about this and that" until i was so overwhelmed i could hardly think. and i couldn't. and i do get stupid when i am flustered. and i can barely talk straight or pronounce words correctly. i am an idiot. i am half in my head and half out talking to whoever. its complicated and confusing and i hate it. maybe i am too dependent. i am happiest when Tim and I are at our best, is that so bad? he is my husband. its not so much the action. its not so much the lie. its not so much how it was done. its all of it together and so much more. but any of those reasons standing alone would justify my hurt and resentment. is this it in people? or is just these standards that i will see in my lifetime, even tho there are people out there, people i will never meet because God doesn't love me enough to surround me with people i can trust. just a little. are my expectations too high?and if so, should i let the expectations i hold to myself fall to the level of those around me? or expect them to raise to mine? the second one obviously doesn't work. and i don't like the sound of the first. what do i do? maybe it was a small knife. a butter knife that cut the final strand. but it was still cut. and as much as i can, i can't see anything... when i think of ever trusting anyone ever again..... there is nothing to think about but reasons why i cant. wont.