i haven't had thoughts of suicide in a long time. i haven't felt like this in a long time. well i've never felt like this. I have never been so numb. i have never felt so helpless. hopeless. worthless. i've never wanted the courage more than i do right now.. to do what i needed to to make everything go away. I feel empty inside. but at the same time i feel so heavy. i feel like my head isn't big enough for my thoughts and my mind isn't smart enough to keep up. and my body is just about to collapse from drugding on. carrying everything. i can't. i just got a wonderful job. i like it. but on the way home. it wasn't even a thought that popped in my head. just an overwhleming wave. and all my purpose and self worth went out the window and i didn't know what to do because i was driving and i didn't even care to pay attention. i was afraid i would just let go and drive into whatever was in front of me at any second. and i wasn't really scared of what would happen. just the pain. the wave just got bigger as i got closer to walmart. i needed to stop to get stuff. thats where i was headed before so thats where i ended up. i felt better in walmart. shopping was a good distraction. i thought i was fine. i didn't even think i was fine. i didn't even think it because i was fine. i forgot all about the overwhlelming wave. i went home but i realized i left my phone in the cart. so i unloaded the car and went back. i was pissed and annoyed and tired but. i wasn't feeling how i did. i was better. when i got back home timmy said his grandma called. i don't want to talk about it. but. the whole situation suffocated me. i was angry and then all of a sudden i couldn't breath and i couldn't think. i just didn't want to be anymore. and the feeling i had in the car hit me with full force, only 10 times worse. worse than i've ever felt that feeling. and from an outside view... i probably looked crazy. it wasn't the worst situation in the world. but it was a big deal. and it was upsetting. and everything made sense. a lifetime of confusion to finally get it. i didn't belong here. not here with timmy or in this house, but anywhere. i felt like an imposter in my own body. i felt like my heart was going to sshoot out my throat. i wanted to disappear and angry that i couldn't. i wanted to die and upset that i was too afraid of pain to do it. and what it would do to timmy. but i was also upset because i cared if it hurt timmy but i didn't care enough... i still wanted to. i haven't cried so much since my last break down. its times like those, those meltdowns when i know i have aspergers. i think how someone else might be acting right then.. and its not the same. but knowing that doesn't help the situation, it doesnt make me stop.. it just makes me more angry at myself for being so different. and guilty for putting timmy through it again. My famiyl has seen my tantrums as a kid. but i don't know if anyone has seen my meltdowns besides tim and my mom. timmy knows how to calm me down and bring me back to reality. i feel the same but without the urgency. i dont think i would ever actually do it. pain and the whole possibility of going to hell thing. but sometimes i am afraid one day i will get in my car and leave and never tell anyone. not even myself. just start going and never come back. rip up my ids and birth certificate. kill "jeni" and start over. to see if it was just a fluke. or if people really do hate me. i know timmy doesn't hate me. i know he loves me. but i'm no good for him. i love him and he is perfect for me. but what is good about me for him? nothing. and everyone knows it. thats why this all happened.He told me not to say that . but it doesn't mean I'm not thinking it. I wont not think it. its true. i make every situation worse. i have nothing but the best intentions and that never seems to make a difference.