Just finished watching the most recent episode of Parenthood, Episode 18:Qualities and Difficulties. It was a really important one and I couldn't wait to watch it. I usually watch with Timmy online the next day it airs but i waited till it was posted and watched it tonight. I'll watch it with him again later. It made me pretty sad. or angry. I'm not really sure yet. I just know i wish i had parents like them. my mom has been telling me my whole life that i am selfish and entitled and all sorts of names. Even when she thinks she is being nice or helpful, she is vindictive and just mean. I don't understand how she could say I am slefish and entitled and cold and this and that... like i don't understand how she could read my notes or read something or see something about aspergers or hear people talk about it and their experiences and STILL think of me like that. I always go back. I could give a damn about ym dad.. i don't even know him and what i do know isn't that great at all. And I shouldn't want to have my mom in my life. She would be offended by that because she is offended by EVERYTHING i say. but its true. She [and so many, almost every person I've known] has made life so much harder than necessary. I'm not saying it was the worst it could have been or i was worse off then starving or beaten children. But it was hard for me not being understood. And the ONE thing I ever wanted from her... to be HEARD. she doesn't hear me. She never has. She confuses me. She is a hypocrit and she is contradicting. Everything in me says to run away but something.. maybe guilt? idk. something makes me feel ashamed not to be in a realtionship with her. But it never feels good. there are moments. but overall she just brings me down. She makes everything about her. And i wouldn't care SO much about that if she wasn't always saying and telling people that everything is always about me. Because that's a fucking lie. If it was i would have been diagnosed decades ago. If it was true i wouldn't always have been ignored or called a brat. I wouldn't be considered selfish and cold. I think i am actually a very sensitive and passionate and loving person. i just show it differently. She always calls me judgemental. SHE is. She has always been the most judgemental person I've ever known. Especially of me. She isn't like that with anyone else. Maybe here and there but that is all she has for me. Its like she has so much love and caring for a day and she gives it away to everyone else by the time she gets to me all she has is criticism and shame and regret and anything else negative left over.No matter when or how we get together anymore. it ends in a fight. and its never resovled. it just ends because whats the point of fighting for 2 more hours when the first 2 didn't do anything. i am trying. i am reading this book to understand myself and she is more worried about getting me on a diet. She NEVER has anything positive to say about me. Whenever i've brought up or whenever the subject of AS just comes up randomly... she turns it into a fight. she says she believes i have AS. but then she says things like "since when can't you have a 2 way conversation.. you could before!" I don't understand which one is how she really feels. Because nothing is consistent. Its back and forth. If she is in a good mood, i have it.. if she's mad then I must be using it as an excuse for every bad thing I ever did and will ever do. I don't want it to be an excuse for things. I don't want to blame all my problems on aspergers. I want to read about it and learn everything i can because it helps me understand WHY things happen to me and WHY i feel certain ways and that i don't have to be limited by those things. She brought up grandkids last night and i said that she should read the notes in case one of them had aspergers too. She just about fell over. She got all emotional and was like "Don't say that! heaven forbid" and bah blah blah like it was SUCH a bad thing. I mean I don't want my kids having anything. I want them to be perfect too. But that's not realistic. And if my kids do have AS (and its a greater possibility since i do) then i want to know they have a grandmother who supports them and understands them. Because right now.. if i had a kid with AS she would never be left alone with them. EVER. she is way too.. i don't know the word. but she is controlling and manipulative and stubborn. And she turns everything into "poor me". She's always the victim. SHE has support and friends and family and the ability to do things I can't. I am her daughter. Last night she was mad because I didn't ask her about her weekend at camp. She had brought it up a few times.. i didn't know there was more she wanted to say. I thought I heard about camp. her bus broke down. and she was in diet mode anyways. She didn't ask me about myself so why am i expected to ask her about herself. She has been saying since i told her about AS that she doesn't understand and that she needs me to explain things to her. But everytime we talk. on the phone or in person or whatever. She is closed to the topic. She WILL NOT bring it up and if i do she gets really mad. She almost gets annoyed at me. When she talks about it its like she's talking about a sick dog.. Like she doesn't like bringing it up because it makes her uncomfortable or something. idk. So i don't know why she always has to take everything i do. or dont do so personally. So i didn't ask her to tell me every detail about her weekend at camp. i really don't give a fuck about how much she cares about the girls group and what she does for them and with them. I really dont want to hear about how much time she puts into their lives. I am sick of her putting everything and one before me. Its not my fault i have aspergers. And its not hers. and its not no ones. And yeah i had a sucky childhood. She keeps saying she feels guilty about it and thinks i am blaming her... no. i don't blame her. I just want her to understand me! And this is not being selfish when i say I SHOULD come first! I am the kid! She hasn't understood me my whole life. She hasn't heard me.She has been treating me like a kid, and controlling or trying to control everything about me.. and yet I'm supposed to somehow start tlaking to her like an equal? Like when we are out.. i'm supposed to talk to her like a friend or something? HOW? Even if we had a good mother daughter relationship.. i still don't get how that would make sense... i don't get how its my responsibility to always hold HER hand in things and always have to make sure SHEs ok. No. I'm the kid. I'm the one with the challenges and the need for understanding. I'm the one who she should be trying to help and support and be nice to. When i was molested as a kid... I was the one it happened to.. but her focus was always jason. oh it must be so hard for jason. oh poor jason. oh jasons smoking now? oh well hes been through a lot. o jason is drinking.. well he's just so stressed out. Oh jeni doesn;t want to go to the front of church for prayer!?!?!?!?! WHAT??? SHe MUST have no soul. Oh jeni didn't clean her room or forgot to do the dishes last night!!?!?!? Well now cant see her friends or watch tv or be on the computer. Oh she is doing bad in school?? well she MUST be lasy and disobedient... No. I can forgive her for everything. I can forgive her for being controlling and mean and a jerk and favoring jason and blah blah blah but ALL of it comes back the minute she says the things she says and she always says them. About me being selfish and crap. I'm so done with it. i feel trapped. I feel like if I don't get out of this relationship im going to sufocate. but if i do.. i will feel guilty about it. Which is worse? I don't know. I just know she always thinks the worst of me and i don't like it. I've been tying up my notes of the book Im reading for casey and I've been printing them out for tim and sending them to my mom. I printed chapters 1 and 2 and he read them within a couple days and when he saw me typing more he told me to print them for him because he wanted to read them. I put chapters 3-6 on a chair. I didn't tell him anything, i just said "here are chapters 3-6." and i went and did something else. He read them like an hour later. I didn't even ask him. And last night when i told her "well tim read them" she was like.. "he's your husband. what would happen if he didnt!" like i am as controlling as her.. like i manipulate him into doing things i want him to do just because she does that to people. I don't need to do that. Tim loves me and knows its important. He isnt all talk when he says he loves me. HE SHOWS ME. she doesn't understand that. I could care less about words. she has this new thing where she just says "love" at the end of thigns she says and letters or emails.. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! literally. not love, mom or "i love you" jsut "love". I don't get it. Love what? And she does it knowing it pisses me off.It doesn't make ANY sense. its an incomplete sentence and its stupid. I wish she would just treat me like i was in her girls group. i bet if one of them had AS she would know everything there is to know by now and say "well i did it for church". everything is about church. Not God.. church! I am so sick of church. She said she fasted for our relationship. and i cant say anything about it or i am disrespecting her relationship with God. UGHH! its so annoying because i am actually trying. literally trying.I'm reading a book thatw ill help me learn about myself and better deal with situations. And she is not eating foods and saying she is trying too? She is obsessed with losing weight. if it was between reading the book and fasting she would choose fasting because it also benefits her. She keeps saying she prays about our rleationship and she doesn't know what to do and crap. But MAYBE God is telling her that fasting isn't working and to just SHOW me she loves me for once. She attributes me coming to grandma and grandpas party to her fasting. Its bullshit. I'm not trying to disrespect God and I do believe in prayer and God and even fasting in certain situations. Not this one. And just like exercise or dieting. One doesn't work without the other to get results. You need both. And ok she's fasting but if she isn't making REAL IRL actual in person actions then.. whats the point? i told her i was upset because she decided to write out.. hand write like a billion scriptures for her girls camp thing last week instead of read my notes. She could have like had peple help her or type them out or something but she picked to do something so time consuming and frivilous knowing how important these notes are. Knowing i would rather her just read the whole book.. but knowing she wouldn't.. and she can't even read a few pages? Its expasperating. She says "im so afraid every time we talk that it'll be the last time because of a fight" well then stop fighting with me. jesus. Seriously i don't get it. The only things i ever want she never does. The whole jason thing. Still isn't resolved. If it was the other way around she would have made me fix it years ago. You know what. Fuck them. Fuck them both. I don't need this bullshit. I have Tim and I have people who care about me. I don't need them just because of this ridiculous universal concept that blood is thicker than water. Because sometimes that just doesn't apply and if people have a problem with that well then FUCK them. I WONT let my kids be around such a negative environment. I wont let them be treated the way i was and if that means they dont spend as much or any time with my mom and certain members of my family. fine. She can go ahead an dbe scared because she pushed me away again and I'm NOT going to be the one to fix it this time and I am NOT going to accet a relationship based on HER terms ever again. IF she wants a relationship with me then she will have to FIX the Jason issue. AND support and understand aspergers and not always try to attack me for bringing it up or being myself. Thats all! If she cant do that then fuck it. FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCK. She always got mad when i said the f word. But she said it like 3 times last night. Hypocrite. I can't stand the double standards. I first heard the term "double stadard" from her and I first understood what it meant by living with her. I cant stand it. It makes me sick. It makes me mad when she says how much she wants grandkids. Why? So you can treat them like crap? Why? Because you did so good with me? Why because i'm not enough.. you think yo can get a do over. I'm still here. She wont come near my kids until she can change. From what I see, she's just getting worse. Maybe she'll never change.But I'm not going to just let her treat me like crap "because she is family". And people who do that are stupid. A mean person is mean. All mean people are related to someone . serial killers and rapists have parents. Aspies are considered stubborn and think differently but i think its stupid when epople get on my case for not being in a relationship with my mother. like i'm bad and its my fault. to me that is stupid and stubborn and ridiculous. maybe aspies are normal and all these "typical" bitches are freaking insane.