i had an appointment at appleone today at 1pm. i met with timmy for lunch at 12:30 and then headed over. i didn't meet with sean, the guy i set up the meeting with. i just had time for paperwork and a questionnaire because i had to be at the dmv at 3pm. buuuuut that was pointless because i couldn't do what i needed to do because i didn't have the reeal copy of my marriage license. psh. they told me what i had was just a souvenir or for show. boo. i have to go to the social security office first anyways.
we're growing pretty fond of online tv. we like so you think you can dance :]
i watched tila tequilla a shot at love 2.. lol that show.. so dramatic. she's so dumb. i'm confused tho because first its like.. she has to just be doing it for the media attention.. of course.. but then she gets so dang emotional.. so its like.. maybe she's serious? but then she centers the whole show around being a lesbian and getting naked.. and wonders why no one wants to love her forever. what a weirdo.
we had the most amazing conversation tonight, my husband and i. :] I love being married. i know that sounds gay or cheesy but.. we are becoming so close, everyday and that's sort of a cliche thing to say as a newlywed but its true and i don't care so whatever. Its indescribable how rapid we are growing together and falling more and more in love and that its effortless. i have never felt more wanted by tim. or anyone. i feel safe, secure, wanted, needed. he is loving and passionate and affectionate and he thrives to understand me. some of those things i knew i someday wanted from him but didn't know i would get so quickly.. and others i never even expected. i feel like i am on a high and I've never done drugs..
:{ I was SOO snappy at him today! i am on my period and we have an inside joke about how whenever i am, i always have a break down.. i get SO emotional. its kinda like that sour patch kids commercial "first their sour, then their sweet" only mine should be "first she's sour, then she's emotional".. everything set me off today. i know it only lasts a few minutes.. and i snap.. and Timmy turns me around and says "hey" and kisses me and loves me anyways. and i apologize and tell him I'm stupid. but like i told him today, at the end of our conversation, he shouldn't have to learn to deal with me when i do that.. i should just learn not to do that.. even if i am on my period. not that that was the focus of the conversation. actually. we talked a lot today about A LOT of stuff. its funny because after my cry fest, he didn't get annoyed with me or turned off.. he said "come here and let me hold you". and that's exactly what i wanted him to say. after a few seconds he started laughing and said.. "you always get so emotional.. [on your period].." and i laughed because i didn't even realize i was at the time.. its weird. its like a timer goes off or something.
one thing i had been dying to get off my chest but didn't know how to talk about it, was jason. and how damaged i am from the whole experience. not everything was bad. but i was so hurt by tim. and i had to tell him the truth. because sometimes even now, i don't really feel this way but its like my head plays tricks on me and wants to blame him for what happened with jason. even tho thats completely ridiculous. i realize now that i was so hurt emotionally by what was going on with tim, that i grabbed hold of someone who wanted me.. and gave into physical pain/ and all the inner turmoil that would create so that i wouldn't have to deal with my feelings towards tim. now i associate sex with pain. physically and emotionally. but even tim said that just by talking about it that little bit and getting it out there was a huge step in moving past it. i admitted that i have never given myself time to grieve a relationship. my mom has told me before that i need to be alone after a relationship for a while. but i didn't listen and i would think i was moving on by being with someone else a week or so later. but it doesn't help you heal, it just pushes the grief down.. and then it pops up again, in the strangest places. but timmy is so wonderful and told me when that happens he wants to be there for me and comfort me.. help me grieve over another person.. ? thats unheard of. but thats just how amazing he is. it hurts to think about jason. it hurts to know someone took advantage of me like that. someone took took took and convinced and persuaded and i got nothing in return. someone who told me what they needed to tell me to get what they want.. and deny it later when confronted. and take back what they said like it meant nothing when they can't get what they want anymore. someone who lied and said they wanted the same things i did, and then pressured me into doing the opposite. after all of it we exchanged some messages, trying to gain closure or whatever it was.. and we both had cases to argue about who did what.. and at the end of our time that throughout he declared as "amazing" and the most this and that.. was then belittled it by saying "..this is ridiculous.. we only dated a month.." which is an exaggeration of how short it actually was. and it doesn't matter how over "him" i am.. the nagging pain in my heart is from "it" the situation.. the fact that i will never understand why. every question i have will forever remain unanswered. feeling confused and lack of understanding is like feeling lost. and that can be just as devastating as a broken heart.
we talked about what i read in the book i am reading. and how Christians reportedly have the most fulfilling sex lives compared to non-Christians. which I've always found really weird.. because you'd think the opposite.. but after reading this book.. i completely understand why. sex isn't just about sexual sanctification.. its about emotional sanctification also.. and not just for a woman. its about being selfless and forgiving and loving and etc.. all things timmy and i have by nature taken to our.. uhm.. marriage bed. and thats amazing.. because a lot of couples have to learn how to be selfless and whatever. but one thing i read that really stuck out was about proverbs 3:6 "in all ur ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight" and that there is no problem you cannot take to the Lord in prayer. so we did. and after we just held each other and fell asleep. I've never felt so close to anyone. while we were linked together, timmy told me that lately.. all the time.. he'll think about saying "don't you talk about my wife like that!" around the time aaron was being a jerk to me and maybe around christmas, i told tim about how i once was disrespectful to my aunt irene and how my uncle paul scared the crap out of my when he got in my face and said that to me with such anger in his eyes.. and how it didn't make me angry at him.. but i gained so much respect for him from then on. over the years we've had sort of a problem when it comes to how protective is of me. I think we had a major break through a day or so before we got married, when he called his dad and told him that i am going to be a part of the family and if aaron pulls his crap again, we aren't just going to sitback and take it and something needs to be done and so on.. and how he doesn't want me to be put into any uncomfortable position like that again :] and it was perfect. he said all the right things. but i still felt like maaaaybe he was still saying those things out of.. obligation. like a duty rather than a need to protect me. but i didn't tell him that. i told him he did great. so it just really made me feel good to know thathe was thinking about that sort of thing on his own. he said it pops into his head at least a few times a day at random times. and i asked for how long and he said since we've been married :] everything is sorting itself out. and i feel like its because I'm not pushing or stressing or worrying or insecure. we're just letting things go.. and they're going great.
timmy says it gives him a good feeling when i tell him he's a good husband. and i tell him a lot because he is. and he tells me, but i don't really know.. i try. i used to feel unwanted. earlier in our relationship. and for me, for most girls, a big turn on is feeling wanted. or as they said in Margot at the wedding, "being F$#%@able" which, although inappropriate, i found quite hilarious.. and there was a time when i thought he was just incapable. and other times when i just felt like he'd never feel enough about me to make me feel wanted enough by him. but i don't fell that way anymore. at all. and haven't for the longest time.. especially since being married.
i realize now how incredibly unhealthy living together can be.. and Timmy even said about being married, "...i didn't know how good it would be.."
i ramble a lot.
i don't care i like to ramble and i love tim. so i love to ramble about tim.
ps Dont watch Margot at the Wedding. It is a pointless movie about nothing with absolutely no point. yes, it makes you think.. think about who would make such a ridiculously stupid movie.. there were things that didn't add anything to the story, at all.. and seemed really out of place.. and things unexplained. and the ending was awkward. and the title doesn't even make sense because she didn't even go to the wedding. and it was sort of creepy. the only good thing about it was jack black, and i say good because he wasn't great. and the only part i liked was when he was crying on the phone begging her to come back.. because only jack black could make that part hilarious. other than that, i give it a big fat, BOO!
and he lets me take forever to say what i have to say and doesn't get annoyed or frustrated. he knows i don't mean to suck at talking.. he knows when i get like that, i have something important to say, and i want to but, for some reason its not coming out.. i think he is the only one who will ever understand that the more patient he is, the easier it is for me to just talk. and the more he shows me that in a conversation. the easier it is for next time. and its actually gotten a lot easier for me to just say what i have to say to him. because i don't need to feel embarrassed by him. i think we've been through enough to be past feeling embarrassed by each other. or in front of each other.. or something.
hehe i called Amanda a whore and he agreed with me *giggles*
I haven't been on SitD in a while and I remember coming to the front page and happening upon your entries; I, upon returning after the absence, actually had wondered what had happened with you and your beau.
Well, congratulations.