sometimes i wonder what the point is. to life. waiting. everything. why am i even here? i love timmy. but im not even good at that. the most important things in my life i screw up over and over all the time in different ways. and why should i wait. to have sex that is. whats the point? who has? my cousin corina doesnt even believe in waiting until ur married. so alisha probably doesnt either. manuel already has whether he believes it or not. pretty sure jason has. my mom did. everyone in myfamily did before theyw ere married actually. tim did. with more than 1 person. sometimes i wish i would have beofe when i was with my before's. but. now i think. ew. altho i dont see the point in waiting anymore... i would still like it to be special. i know it says in the bible not to and all sorts of stuff and its a sacrifice and blah. and i always wanted to have that to offer my husband and God. and sure it might be a sin not to... but really.. sin is sin. i will sin everyday. and it also says in the bible that all sins are equal. so whether i jaywalk or murder someone.. its the same in Gods eyes. so why is this such a big deal? its inevitable. i got in a fight with everyone today. even the lady on the phone with some news about a honeymoon thing. well. not a fight but i was rude and said to call back later all rude like. i dont know why im in such a crappy mood today. i was sick yesterday. even worse today. manuel threw up when i was at my moms. when i got home i felt fine. but when timmy got home i got sick and threw up a little. i feel weird now. big headache and im so tired but i know i wont be able to sleep. last 2 nights ive had weird insomnia. i cant sleep until like 6 or 6:30 and once i do, i wake up like every 30 minutes. doesnt even feel like sleep. im sad. i know its stupid but i really wish i could change a lot of the past and start over. i know it was a stupid question to ask but i asked tim if we werent together and i was someone else who wanted to have sex and whatever, if he would. and on ascale of 1-10 he said 6. which is pretty much a 10. like he's going to tell me if it was 10. but. i just think it kinda sucks that he'd have sex with some other chick but not me. but then at the same time i think it kinda sucks that he says he wants to wait. its onjly cuz he's with me. i think u should have a belief and stick with it with whoever ur with. i mean, im kinda tetering back and forth right now but once i pick a side, its that side for whoever im with. its not determined by the other persons beliefs. idk. doesnt matter i guess cuz we arent with other people. just interesting. pdk didnt call us on wed-fri like he said. its like tuesday tomorrow. o well. kinda used to people blowing me off anyways. i feel crummy. good news tho.. my skin feels healthier already. i told tim i wanted to start eating healthy and such. and my skin and face is kinda glowy. speciallly my thighs and shoulders. also, i washed my face with baking soda (2 times in a row) which tightens pores. and then i put on cucumber juice for a little while.. also tightens pores. i had so many pimples last week and a cut from jefri i think.. but now im all cleared up. and i onyl did that 2 times... crazy. we didnt go to dinner for our anniversary. which is fine. i didnt have a present for him. i feel so lame. cant even get him a present for our anniversary. thats why im taking that stupid job my mom told me about. watching some elderly lady. i wouldnt have, but i need to. i guess i'll go to bed now. tiimy is on the couch. i dont know how he can sleep there, its leather.. sweaty-ness. k night.