new carpet in the rest of the apartment. no roaches inside for a week and a half or more. tim saw one in the garage but i guess its the garage. i cant wait to be out of here. idk how some of his co workers can say they want to stay here. its awful. its hot, there are bugs everywhere, the crime is so much higher, and its only inexpensive as people say if u choose to live in crappy areas... we chose a safer area and have to pay a lot more.. although i think we got screwed.. this place isnt worth what we are paying. idk what is going to happen.

i keep waiting for my life to happen but its happening and i feel like im missing it. i am glad to support tim but i feel useless up here. and lonely. and worthless. and i love tim but hes not enough. i want friends. but i dont know how to find them and even more i dont know how to keep them.

casey contacted me in july to say sorry and i guess thats all because talking isnt the same. and im not his best friend anymore.. hes replaced me with some girl that looks like a better version of me. i mean i knew we wouldnt just be best friends again .. but. its casey. i thought it would end up there eventually. we havent even talked on the phone. i once told him i missed talking to him and he should call me.. he said "soon". that was over 2 or 3 months ago. im not sure why he contacted me. if it was just to say sorry i wish he'd have said it and then left and not acted like he was into being friends again. he's having a baby. i stated making him a baby blanket, i told him i had a present for them. i didnt tell him what. he didnt sound very interested. i stopped working on it. i dont see the point. his baby doesnt come for a couple more months anyways. but it feels like before. like when i would do things and he would ignore me or not talk to me for weeks or months and then call me bestie. now its the same only he doesnt consider me his bestie either. so im not sure i like it.

these new people we've met here are interesting and all.. but. its weird. idk. one just reminds me of sal no matter how much i try not to think that and it just bugs me. and he says strange rude thigns. but idk if its rudeness or insensitiveness or sticking his foot in his mouth or what. and his wife is nice but 2-3 times now shes brought up autism in a way that makes me uncomfortable. like in a way that makes me not want to consider telling them about my aspergers. i told her our neighbor came over randomly and it was awkward and we didnt know what to do. and i said "it was weird..she was a little weird.." and shes like "oh like autism??" um.. what? i dont even know what that means... like autism? because i said she was weird? nice. never telling you i have a form of high functioning autism. even if it is mild. and no one came to our breaking bad party. i made blue raspberry rock candy and got gatorade and funyuns and printed out a los pollos hermonos logo and was going to get chicken and i made a mini bubbling lab set up with blue food coloring and dry ice... i was even going to make a cake. so glad i didnt. what a waste everyone flaked. we ended up telling everyone we canceled but it was really because we had to.. i mean i did all that to get people pumped to watch the finale... but joey wanted to go to church (night church) so we decided to postpone till the next day. on sunday we helped him and katie move. it took longer than they thought and they ended up not going to church. when we were there i said "hey if we finish moving early we can just watch the finale tonight!" and he said they had too much to do.. then a little while after or before or idk somewhere around then. like within 5-10 minutes.. he gets a text from his pastor.. and he's like "oh pastor whatshisface invited me to go watch the finale over there tonight! I might take him up on that!!.." um... wait... what?!?!? we postponed for YOU. and now youre going to watch it... when i JUST said we could watch it tonight and you said no...??? um. so everyone ended up watching it. so monday comes and we are the only ones who hadnt seen it. and we just text joey and katie and tell them were canceling. because the point was to have peope come over and get them excited to watch it but whats the point now since everyone already did..... its lame. and the worst part is... he says he didnt even rememember! bull. we just saw you yesterday.... i gave you blue raspberry rock candy. uhg. why is it so hard to find honest friends that genuinely like hanging out with us because we do epic (his words) things like make blue raspberry rock candy for breaking bad!! why do people jsut plain suck? tim and i enjoy being selfless. we suck at talking but we SHOW it. you know that whole saying actions speak louder than words... most people dont feel that way at all. we do. WE SO DO... but most people just want to be spoon fed a bunch of bs words with no meaning. we dont know how to give them those words without meaning. and when they have meaning for us they come with actions. we cant help it. but others do mean things. and maybe its without even knowing they are being mean... like jasper is moving to visalia and we are eventually moving back to scv. well joey, right in front of us, goes on and on about how jasper should come over and stay in their spare room. for weeks even. theyd love to have him. they'll miss him so much blah blah. and not once says to us or just tim, screw me i could care less... but tim stuck his neck out for you and had your back and defended you even though your case was questionable at best and you dont even offer the same to him? hes been an amazing friend. i jst got so mad inside for tim. why would he do that? it just reminds me of being at donovans birthdy and kelli inviting amanda and andy to her baby shower right in front of me and tim and it was so rude! why are people so rude and mean? And these things cannot be brushed off as unintentional... we were right there.. in plain site... same situation just a different location. do people not like nice people? they say they do. they're all talk. and then telling me i should read the great gatsby.. well ive been wanting to. i love reading books and then watching the movie its like my favorite thing ever. and i say yeah i want to. and hes like yeah you should, not like you will take the time to though. um. what? who says that. and why? why wouldnt i? because idont read? how do u know? I JUST finished a book yesterday..... which was why i said i was going to be getting to the great gatsby soon. i actually had 2 or 3 books ahead of it too. i hate when people make statements like they know me when they know nothing about me. like that dumb doctor that said i didnt have aspergers and kept testing me for utis... the tests are coming back negative! why are you perscribing me antibiotics?? Its obviously something else! And guess what.. you are not a psychologist and you are old as dirt. go read a recent book about aspergers you knownothingarogantasshole. and also he says to me its written by scott fitzgerald and he was the guy in the move midnight in paris... um. i know who scott fitzgerald is. I didn't know who a lot of those people were but i know who scott fitzgerald is. because like i said... Ive been planning to read it for a while! not that i everrrrrr say this stuff to people.. or else its rude. When someone tells me something I already know i don't consider them rude for assuming i didn't know unless they consider me rude for telling them I already know. (although this is irrelevant most of the time as i try to be polite and keep that information to myself but then I am perceived as an idiot.) smart but rude or polite and stupid...??? I've noticed people like to feel like the smartest person in the conversation when talking to me its fantastic... that's fine... I'll indulge your ego.. but its just an illusion.

i've been pretty angry lately (no kidding). ive had more meltdowns this year alone than in our whole marriage. even thinking about them makes me anxious because i can feel the rage inside me building trying to relive it. idk how to deal with it. no health insurance either. and even if i did they would probably put me on medication and we want tog et pregnant but.. maybe i shouldnt have kids. i wouldnt hurt anyone. i dont hurt people when i have meltdowns.. usually try to hurt myself and hit things... not usually near people... im not usually near anyone because when i feel it coming i try to get away from everything. tim doesnt let me. i dont really know what he does but somehow he fixes it. and everything is ok. i had another one on monday when no one came to the party i had planned all week. i feel the same as i did when they happened as a kid. i dont feel like i will be 27 this month. i dont even feel 17. it scares me. i talk to kids and they talk down to me. its like they sense i am different and take it as a weakness. i know this but cannot change it. i dont know if i ever will be able to. which makes me think even more that maybe thats why we dont have kids still. maybe we arent the sort of people who will have kids. we do enjoy each other when there isnt so much stress. although lately its clouded in circumstance. i feel like im walking in molasses. ive tried to divorce tim. not because i want to but i just dont get what he sees in me. I'm not smart which is ironic being that i have a disability that implies I may be a genius, I cant cook, i cant get a freaking job, i cant give him babies or havent who knows if its a for sure cant, and i'm at least 15 lbs heavier than the day he met me. plus my grandma, my dads mom... the mean one i dont talk to because she hates me... she has cancer. my dad has cancer. my aunt has or had cancer. my uncle died of cancer... my odds are shit. and i've been dealing with all sorts of ailments lately.. but not health insurance to figure it out. its been messing with my mind before the cancer talk. now im just a mess. tim is the most patient person but even he has his limits. hes not enough right now. and i dont know what would be. how do you fix that? i dont know if i enjoy being alone and feeling lonely or being with him and feeling lonely despite how much attention he gives me. im not this needy. but i have this overwhelming feeling of doom. i know i am being dramatic. but these things have lasted over a year and i get progressively worse then better then worse then better.. all the time. up and down... lately it hasnt gone away though. its lasting a long time. theres aweird mark on my neck too. idk if i scrapped it or what. weird pains in my stomach on the sides by my kidneys. among other things. i want tim to have a normal wife. he says not to talk like that and he loves me but i dont know. i think hes crazy.

kids getting out of high school or preparring to leave at 17... worried what they will do where they will go. they are in such a hrry for school and careers and starting families.. i cant believe 10 years has past since i was their age... and im so much further behind most of them. i couldnt do school. i cant get a job. what am i supposed to do? follow tim around like a puppy. im not living.. im just a witness.