So here I am in Colorado. It went by fast. Only one more day really. Timmy is downstairs. we're a kinda upset right now. with each other. He took me to visit his grandma and then he showed me around his old town where he grew up. and a few old chapels in that neighborhood that he thought i'd like.. i did. they were cute.. especially the second one. everything was fine and peachy and then i guess i screwed it up. but im still mad. i just had an idea born out of pure curiosity and nothing else and maybe a little boredum.... i thought it would be something fun(ny) we could do together to pass time and maybe even laugh at later.. like if things didnt go the way we planned.. and everyone knows that those are always the best and most talked about memories.. but idk. he didnt want to and blah. i mean.. i already knew we were going to.. we had already left and were on the freeway.. i was just being playful with him.. i knew we were almost home.. so.. the least he could do was indulge me instead of being an ass about it. gosh. anyways. it doesnt matter.
nothing really happened here so far. tim's been sick the whole time until today and i've been kinda yucky feeling. so we haven't really done much except visit with people and sit and talk.. awkwardly.. about nothing really. and thats about it.
As for the aaron situation. Im sooo over caring. I really am. I worried about it and I'm stupid for spending time thinking about it. Because we tried to make amends by calling ahead and clearing the air... and we didnt even DO ANYTHING!.. but we wanted it to e a pleasant time.. but he didnt want to for some reason.. its been a year.. and HE was the on who wronged us.. so you'd think he'd be happy about it or at least accepting.. that we're just doing the forigve and forget thing and be grateful.. it should be HIM feeling awkward not us.. but anyways. we went to his gma's the other day and i guess aaron was there but he left as soon as we got there. what a baby. seriously... i dot even know why we bothered at all. the other day tim's mom told him to be the "bigger person". and i know where she is coming from but honestly.. i hate that phrase. because there is only so much you can do really.. if a person isnt willing and open also, then its pointless to be the bigger person. they just get what they want and you feel miserable for having to be fake and pretend everything is ok when clearly it is not. we tried being the bigger person in all this several times.. and its just not working. and aaron who is reluctant to get over this... is a hypocrite. because last year when this all JUST HAPPENED.. a week later he told timmy that I should just get over this.. something like "why doesn't she just get over it already?" and it had only been a week.. and now he is the one saying he just cannot get over "it". "it" being the thing HE started. "it" being his fault. and yet here i am feeling awkward. wondering what his family thinks of me. what they've talked about. if they are being fake when they say "nice to meet you" and create small talk to cover up how they really feel... because maybe what they are really thinking is.... "if you weren't here, Aaron would be".. "if you we're here we could take a nice family picture and not have to photoshop Aaron in later".. "if you weren't here there wouldn't be any drama between Timmy and Aaron "... and all this time its all i think about.. obsessing really... because i am really.. not scared or terrified altho they are also words you could use to describe it.. but mostly.. traumatized.. Ive been traumatized into a mess of a person. Im so doubtful and paranoid about tim's feelings. .. i mean do you blame mee??? i know i shouldn't be now.. but its hard not to be. considering. if random people could have such an impact.. what would the words of those he actually gives a crap influence him to do... or not do?? and with that in mind.. I meet these people and try to make a good impression.. but I'm blind to whether or not that can even happen. who knows what bias opinions they hold against me. and i know there is a chance that maybe they arent thinking a thing about this.. and they really are happy to have met me.. but thats like a 2% chance. so... it's not even worth mentioning.
anyways.. i should go.
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