i have an incredible way of brushing things off. which is pretty silly seeing as how i HATE when people do that. but they brush off the crap they do. and i brush off the crap others do. (not always just in general or maybe just recently)so its completely different. Both selfish but in different ways. They are selfish because they are avoiders and think they are above consequences. and I am selfish because it takes less effort this way. I've been so exhausted. I've been sick with emotions. And, I need a break from feeling helpless. not that i am pretending. But in a way maybe i am. I love him. i enjoy his company and I can put things aside.. I'd rather be laughing and playing around with him than crying and accusing. even if my suspicions are justified. but there always seems to be something constantly there to remind me and i have to ignore it. I found it pretty hard to forgive him for the first few lies. But i did. This last one is taking longer. funny though because even tho i forgave him for the other lies... judging by my behavior alone... you'd think i forgave him for this last one over the others. i guess just because my forgiveness and forgetness was a little less obvious than what i was actually feeling, not by much. and this time.. its the opposite. i look like i am over it. but. I'm not. not that i am angry or something. I feel sort of anxious about the whole thing. like I'm always waiting. waiting for something big to happen and see how he handles it. not that i want anything big to happen. just feels like something is coming.. or maybe that feeling is wanting something to happen just so i know what he'll do. pretty lame. how horrible is that? hoping for him to screw up in some way, just to see if he'll lie to me or not.. but i can't help it. that's how much i need it. truth. bah. some girls like being lied to just so they don't have to deal with reality. not me. i need truth. its not fair. because I've done some horrible things. and it would have been so easy to keep those things to myself or continue them. but i didn't. i told him everything he wanted to know. everything he didn't know he needed to know. and just things about me.. that he didn't need to know, and didn't have anything to do with him or our relationship but were just something about me.. all embarrassing and hard.. the things he has done don't compare.. so why lie? that's what i don't get. but things are fine for now. the worst is over? i dunno. i freaking hope so. as long as we both remain open and honest. we had a nice day yesterday. he got up early and left me a note on the couch in the morning. i usually go to sleep on the couch for a while in the morning but I've been waking up when he goes to work this week. so I was at the computer in the morning. and i didn't even see it until the afternoon when i went to watch some tv and take notes. it made me feel good. mostly to know he was listening to me the other day about standing up for me and being romantic. when he got home we cuddled in bed and ended up taking a huge nap.. I've been getting tired at the strangest times. and then he went and picked up dinner. i was still sleeping when he got home. he set up the table with candles. so that was nice. i don't care if its a little corny for some people. I'd rather have the effort. not that i thought it was corny. actually i was half asleep so i probably didn't show much enthusiasm about it. Timmy said this guy who used to work at Honda but got laid off came in for something the other day.. and he was all muscular and stuff. he was regular before but everyone noticed that he got a lot bigger.. and he told them it was because of that tv ad thingy.. the perfect push up thing. So we both agreed we think he should get it and take protein shakes too. we want to be more healthy. especially with all the stress lately. its taken a toll. its sort of weird going from such a serious and horrible fight.. to worrying about what we eat. but that's sort of what i was talking about.. like.. i would rather worry about this stuff than what we've been fighting about. its really hot in here :/