mmm I dont know where to start.. or maybe. the problem isnt starting. maybe its stopping thats the problem. maybe im so wrapped up in emotion that im blind to the truth. maybe i love timmy so much, but maybe love isnt enough. i love timmy. so much. but am i being stupid? i can pretend and pretend till the end of time.. but i'll be miserable through it all. happy miserable. not happy miserable. inlove miserable. and thats the worst kind of miserable. cuz you are so happy to be inlove. cuz some people go there whole lives searching for LOVE.. and never get it. and I have it. me. but im miserable. cuz everything is wrong. backwards and wrong. and i keep writing the same things over and over. the same thoughts. on a new day. about how its wrong and backwards. but its all thats on my mind. it wont leave. i cant block it out like i do with everything else. how can i? how can i block out something im in the middle of? i cant pretend this time. I was watching roswell with timmy. and in this particular episode.. izabel and jesse get married. and so they have a wedding. a honeymoon. blah blah blah. and in the next scene... they are moving in to their new apartment. and i felt this urge, to cry. cuz i wanted that moment. and then.. i was suddenly snapped out of it. by tim. cuz his first reaction was a little different... he's like "wait! their moving in together???" like all shocked. and stuff. and i was like.. "uhm. yeah... they just got married" and he was like "well. but they just met" or something like that and i was like what the heck?? I was like "ok.. but what did u expect? that they would get married and then go back to living with their parents?... what do u think happens when you get married??" and then we continued watching. but i wish. i reeeeeeeally wish i would have just paused it or something and asked him to answer my question. cuz i seriously dont know. cuz GOSH what the hell does he think is going to happen when he gets married? what the hell does he think marriage is? what the hell am i doing here? Im way over my head. i knew this from the beginning and i went against myself. you live u learn right? i knew he couldnt be the man i needed him to be. but i hoped. i know thats stupid. now i know how stupid. but at the time. i dunno. i love him. i know i love him more than he loves me. i know who he is. ive lived with him. and ive seen who he is. and i love him for it. and im scared of it. i mean. he is afraid of confrontation. and his brother. i dont even know what that guys problem is. but i can understand why timmy has a hard time talking to him. aaron is such a stuburn controlling baby. he wants everything his way and he is a crazy person. and timmy knows it and he's afraid to step on his toes. cuz he lives with him and stuff. i understand that. but its not healthy. living with someone is a big deal. it takes alot of trust. and communication. they cant even talk to each other. and aaron had the nerve a while ago to say to me that timmy doesnt talk to him... when all timmy talks about is how much he wants to talk to him but he doesnt know how.its aaron that doesnt want to talk. its aaron that avoids confrontation. and timmy isnt one to push people. at all. and i cant help but think.. is that going to be us? i mean brothers. brothers are supposed to be close and whatknot. and he cant even talk to him. he has no one to talk to. and what if he thinks of me the same way he thinks of aaron. that he has to tip toe around me so i dont blow up. that im so unpredictable and unstable that he's that scared to upset me. is that how he thinks of me? is that the foundation of this relationship? cuz thats not right. i mean. when you do something wrong.. or have hard news to telll... its normal to be a little afraid of the feelings of the other person. but to be downright afraid of their reaction that you cover up how you really feel... thats not right. he cant live like that. and im not going to let him. at least not with me. he can cower in aarons shadow for years to come if he wants. but i want a man to lead me. not a man who fears me. i love him. but im just seeing more and more. and more and more... how unrealistic this whole relationship is. i want things he cant give. i want a man it would be too hard for him to be. he doesnt understand. and its not fair that he would have to. i mean. i know he tried tonight. to talk to aaron. i know his intentions were good. but. i also know that it was probably the hardest, most uncomfortable thing he's had to do. or close to it. and i dont want to change him. i know he would be completely comfortable just taking that $50 and calling it a night. i know. and thats ok. for him. for me... its not about the stupid $50 and stupid party poker. its that tim asked his stupid brother not to do something. and he didnt listen. when does tim EVER ask aaron to do anything??? and he still didnt do it. i mean aaron doesnt even get that tim could just make it so u need a pasword to log on and not give it to aaron. i mean it is his computer. aaron didnt pay for it at all AND YET he expects full computer privileges. and i just know if timmy were to go out and buy a fridge, and we filled it with food.. aaron wouldnt pay for any of it.. but he would help himself to all the food. and dirty dishes and not wash them. he is such an inconsiderate lazy bastard. and thats ok. tim can pick up after him and do his dishes. and buy his food. and baby him. for the rest of aarons sad sad life. But i will be damned if i do. i love tim. i just cant do this. i know what tim said came from his mouth. but i know a lot of it was because of me. and what i said to him. and when he went to bed... he didnt cuddle me like usual. he didnt kiss me goodnight. cuz i know he cant stand it when his brother is mad at him. and i know he thinks its my fault. and maybe it is. maybe i shouldnt have messed with them. and their twisted relationship. especially now that im seeing.. theres no changing it. what am i going to do?