| I am grounded from the computer i think. But the mother was nice today. Saturday was awful... we went to my grandparents house and on the way home the mother found out I was talking to Brett. When we got home she told me we were leaving soon to go out for our "mothers day dinner" with elaine and donivan cuz sunday jason left early in the morning. So I got in the shower and took a long time on purpose. When i got out she said I had 10 minutes. And I told her I wasnt going. We argued but she ended up leaving without me. So I walked to the bus stop and got out and just walked for hours. Thinking about brett and my brother and the mother and why everything is so screwed up.. I got home and everyone was home waiting for me. I told her I went to the park. She wasnt mad. She knows I have to walk when Im upset. She told Elaine I was talking to brett and they both came up stairs and talked to me for a couple hours I cried most of the time. They told me I cant talk to him anymore.. for a couple months or more. I hate that what they said made sense and nothing I said was going to change their minds.. I tried so hard. I couldnt find the words... or the right ones. My brother came up with the phone and said it was brett... I went to get it and the mother told me she was gonna talk to him and Elaine wouldnt let me go downstairs. So I waited and when she came back I asked if I could call him one more time and say goodbye or something. And she actually told me no. SHe said "wait a couple days" which didnt make sense because why would I wait when he is thinking this is the last day and he can start to move on and then in a couple days dig it back up again.. I guess that convinced them and she let me call for 15 minutes. He sounded fine on the phone which made it easier for me not to fall completely apart.. I did cry but yeah.. and thats what happened. Brett says he will still have feelings for me but what if the girl he really is supposed to be with comes into his life and he doesnt give it a chance because he is thinking of me? I dont think my feelings will change but what do I know.. and what does he know? If its meant to be its meant to be. But what if its not? I'd feel awful knowing I was the reason he wasnt persuing any relationship that might not cause him so much pain... gah in my head it makes more sense and there is more to it, but the words arent coming so I will just stop there. <--an unfinished thought After I got off the phone with brett I went upstairs and yeah.. more crying. (caution: you'll be hearing that word alot)Then I came down and said goodbye to elaine and donivan. When I was about to go to sleep Jason came up and said "can I have a hug?" and I said "why would i give you a hug?" and he said cuz I want to apologize. so I hugged him and he told me that he doesnt know brett enough to say the things he did and he was sorry for not listening to me and such.. stuff like that. I thought that was pretty cool of him. So how do I feel about the overall situation? uh.. I hate it.. but I dont know much more than that. I wish I could change it. I wish things were different. I wish wishes weren't so pointless. But honestly.. there is this unexplainable peace in my heart. I miss brett. I love him. And I am grieving our relationship and all the what if's that come to mind but I am releived in a way. That sounds wrong so if it sounds wrong disregard it and stop reading.. the mother told me I was a lier on saturday. And she is right I have told countless lies. And I hate lying to her. I hate hiding my feelings and I hate the guilt. And now its all out and I can start over. ANd in a few months.. it will be ok. I mean I have a constant need to cry and I feel alone and all I want is to be with brett.. but theres a peace.. its not me. Its my jesus keeping me strong in this hard time. In the morning we took Jason to the airport. he left at around 9. I didnt get emotional like I usually do. The mother did. We were gonna just go home after, but the mother decided to go to church. So we go and yeah I'm glad we went. Church makes me feel ok. After church we went to Elaines moms for mothers day. We were there for 3 hours and then I wasnt feeling good and fell asleep on thier couch. oops. The mother has been nice. She wants to go see Raising Helen with me.. I havent seen a movie with just her in like 3 or 4 years. Last night I watched tv and cut up some clothes until 3 and I still couldnt fall asleep. for a looong time. I find in difficult situations and times, its best not to think and just to do. And not to show your whole world broken.. cuz eventually you convince yourself everything is fine... its better that way. Today I didnt do much of anything. I made some tshirts and then watched amelie. Its got subtitles and a yard gnome.. doesnt get much better than that. I was supposed to watch it with jenae and vannessa but it didnt work out. I recommend you all go buy it and watch it and if you dont like it.. your just weird. (oh, you might have to fast forward a coupld parts if you dont like seeing ugly naked french people) I was cleaning my roon and I found some magazines on the floor and relaized that I sent a letter thing to brett.. and he probably got it today. boo. I wouldnt have sent it if I knew this all would happen.. or maybe I would.. hard to say. I got the part for kelly's play. But she said on the flyer thing that even tho we have the part now, doesnt guarantee we have it for the final show cuz we arent sure if pastor marty will even let us do it yet. BUt most likely. This will be good, to focus on something else for a while. So tonite at 9 Im going to kelly's along with the rest of the cast for the first read through. I should go. I told the mother I was on to find pictures for my shirts. Which I am.. kinda. Anywho. I am sad. |
Sorry about the tough times, but you seem like your being pretty strong through it.