nonstop rambling... Trying not to think. Trying to remain focused on the here and now. Its hard. I feel distant from everything, including myself. Not only distant but getting further and further away. for everything. Tim.. work.. school.. goals.. life.. sanity.. its just a stupid feeling.. but its overwhelming right now.. and randomly throughout the day. I get shortness of breath and dizzy and anxious and I don't know why.. I can't form proper sentences.. i sound retarded in a normal conversation.. i never really think before i talk.. that's my problem but for the life of me i can't break the habit. I am who i am. i say what i think and feel and that wont change over night. i hear myself say the wrong thing.. stick my foot in my mouth, say something hurtful without meaning it, or just jumble my words and i just ignore it.. let it pass and have others figure it out instead of try to correct it. I'm too lazy lately.. to care how my words are taken. I'm too lazy to be "gotten". I always want so hard for people to "get me" but lately.. I could really care less. that's not true. I can't explain it tho. its like i want it so bad but it never happens that i have accepted it. idk.. or like when you are sooo tired and you stay up super late and the longer you stay up the harder it is to fall asleep.. restlessness. restlessness.. helplessness. I am lost. And no one would know it. I hide it pretty well i think.. how would anyone know anyways? unless they read this. I've never felt like this. I wear my heart on my sleeves.. that's me. lately although they are still out there.. they are slowly fading away. I dunno how to deal with it. its new.. is it bad? maybe being so vulnerable all the time is bad. maybe its a good thing to put a guard up once in a while. maybe its something i should have done a long time ago. Nothing i say makes sense in words. only in my head. even as i type this.. i feel crazy.. and a little emo. Its weird how I feel like i have more friends lately.. well more people to talk to.. but at the same time.. i feel more alone than ever. Its no ones fault but my own. I am so depressed that its all i know anymore. I'm so numb. Tim is wonderful. as always. but I don't know how to be what he wants or needs. and i hate myself for it. it makes it worse. I want to try new things. i want to share things with him. but i wont. I'm too scared to try anything anymore. I'm too scared to move. I'm too scared to go to sleep. to think. to be surrounded by nothing but silence and thoughts... my biggest fear. even the simple sound of typing is soothing. its something at least. a distraction. I'm confused. I feel a little worthless right now. useless. helpless. careless. stupid. unmotivated. unfocused. and a lot more.. and I can't fix it. I don't even know if I want to. that's what pisses me off the most. Why am I so fucked up? what caused this? What in me holds me down? Or feels like i deserve nothing else? I really don't know.. and there's nothing I can do about it.. I've tried. I am going to try something different. if i can't connect to myself.. i can at least try the next best thing.. I'm up anyways. Its been my experience that trying new things like this always seems to backfire.. but. Maybe it'll be different. I need it to be different right now. well.. here's goes everything... this could temporarily make me feel a lot better or a whole lot worse...